fly away like the butterfly

Reflection

2010-11-20T12:46:00.004+08:00

I'm sitting down in my room, watching out of the window overseeing the beautiful lake in this windy city, sipping my favorite cappuccino with a hint of hazelnut. Been thinking a lot in the last few weeks. About my values, my strengths. My options, too.

She said, "if you find yourself angry over an action, stop for a minute and explore what made you angry. Usually, the action doesn't align with your values." This must be true. I feel of being hypocritical, some actions I took felt insincere or forced. Surely, didn't make me sleep well sometimes.

Have I become inauthentic? How far gone am I? ... off my values. My conscience seems to scream at me every now and then. I know I have high guilt-proneness in my DNA.

Some may say I need to toughen up. Yes, I'm a softy. But those are my values. I respect people, and I am a relator. If they feel pain, I can feel it too. It's not easy for me. I did not taste success all my life. I had my failures. It's these failures that made me what and where I am today.

A close girlfriend said to me, "You are there for a purpose." To make a difference. She is right. I just need to go back a step, may be a few steps to really look what I had become, and where I should truly go.

So, my sweat, my tears, my thoughts, my actions are worthy. Not just for me, my spouse, my kids, my family. But also, those around me and their families. We are all linked, somehow or the other. My failure would be their failures. I owe it to all of us.

Ya Allah, Ih dinassiratal mustaqim. Amin.

We are still a long way....

2010-07-23T08:49:00.004+08:00

Wow it's been almost a year since I last entered this blog. Work has been very hectic. I've tried to become a transformational manager, but I guess I'm still tied up being transactional. 24 hours seem to be not enough to complete my tasks. I'm learning to prioritize, but that's the difficult part.

Over the last 5 months or so, lots of things have happened. I got new bigger projects approved earlier of the year, yet to implement. It's embarrassing. It doesn't feel good meeting stakeholders and telling them - oh! it should start soon. Cause you know, it will take some more time. And yes, it's beyond your control. Projects, HUGE projects, we have too many dependencies. How I wish we could streamline the processes. We will continue talk, but hardly we walk the talk. NO, really - it's not that we don't walk the talk, it's just we are Crawling the talk.

I've also made some judgment calls, which may make a few heads turned. Lenient? No, I believe it was justified. For capacity building. For our locals. I'll take accountability if that becomes a precedent. But, I know it won't.

I've also made unpopular calls. I thought necessary. At the end of the day, it's my signature on those dotted lines. The buck will stop at me. I don't want to see my kids embarrassed over silly mistakes that may cause my name to be on the news. Nauzubillah. It was curative action.

The same way, that responsible person was moved. And other dead woods too. It's not an easy decision. But, what's worth keeping dead woods or people who will never support you. Just because you don't belong to their 'community'. They are just excess baggage. No brainer. Get them out. No need to play politics on these people. I know this particular person has been playing his politics outside. Definitely, I am learning from this guy. Irresponsible, lack of sights and full of sh*&. His handover list is yet to be given to me, but hey! I can recall every single tasks he owes me. I wonder how he manage to sleep at night, knowing there are so many assignments he's not accomplished. Nada rasa dusa kah tuu. Di bayar gaji tapi inda membuat keraja atu? Ahh, nevermind.

I've been travelling. Journeys that opened my eyes. I see passion, dedication, commitment, professionalism, excitement, energies and synergies. I also see spite, disgracefulness, envy and disparity. Incredible travels for me.

I've sat with among the smartest people on earth - like the SEALS. Amazed by their brains, physique and energy. Made me small, physically and mentally. But that challenged me to sharpen up and step up. In deed, I got recognition. By them, and others; most importantly by one GURU, and by one of Fortune's successful CEOs. I feel elated, but I shouldn't be complacent. I've still a lot to learn - in fact, too many to learn that to be at par with them, is still a very long way. I feel.

I'm still walking, trying to jog at some point, print at some others. But my road, this path I'm going is still far. Seems endless, and I know I'll come across those crossroads, but I hope I will exercise good judgments.

P.S. All work and no play, makes jane a dull woman. So, I've been playing too. Climb a beautiful mountain, and raft over rough river. Been fun. I need to take more physical challenging games. What's next, what can I do? Still thinking.

Feel our Heritage and be touched by it

2010-02-14T09:15:00.005+08:00

Had the opportunity to be in a secluded heritage of ours for a couple of days. For work. But we played hard too. Enjoyed the serene scenery. Beautiful. Peaceful. Acoustic sounds of nature was mesmerizing. River was refreshing. Rapids were fun. Waterfalls were awesome.

The guys got reptile visitors. Females, I guess. One 3-metre in length. I didn't see them. Digital photos were enough for me.

Squirrels, gekko, salamanders, frogs. Ah, countless fauna. You can experience fishes suckling your feet, like in a fish spa, too.

The bugs, ants, mosquitoes, wasps ... enough to amaze me with their size. Never seen an ant so huge. The drumming sound they made in the early morning, captivating.

No, I didn't take much picture. They stay vivid in my memory. Yes, I truly recommend to go see our beautiful tropical rainforest. We stayed in a protected area. For researchers. But please take the opportunity to go to Ulu-Ulu Resort. Or the Brunei Outward Bound, for the more adventurous. You won't regret it.

Feel and be touched by our amazing Nature. MasyaAllah. Allah is Great.

2009 Review

2009-12-23T20:50:00.003+08:00

Year end is coming. Exciting? Must be. Plenty to look forward to in 2010.

Review of the year:
January: some psycho sent e-mails. Eye-opening. Fact or lie. Truth beholds.
February: birth of a beautiful son. What a difference!
March: Smooth and breazy. Wish this never ends.
April: Crash boom bang. Work on it, work on it.
May: Back again. Ouch.
June: VIP. Review strategy.
July: Interesting Perth. Good break.
August: House Re-vamp. The beginning.
Sept: Another year, another anniversary. It gets better.
October: Phase 2: house renovation ends with a great splash :)
November: Major project approval. That took so long.
December: Another 1/2 marathon completed. Need a different challenge.

Lesson learnt:
Stay focus.

Rule:
Endurance is the name of the game.
Patience is virtue.

Motto of the year:
Never give up. Never surrender. Never Quit.

Winners never quit, and Quitters never win.

Are we a racist nation?

2009-08-21T17:05:00.004+08:00

Travelled to Singapore very recently. Hubby and I.

On our way in to the departure hall, one Indian guy got stopped by the security guy. He pointed out to the Asian guy his hand luggage was over 7kg. Poor guy had to go back I guess to his friends to sort it out before being refused entry again.

Ironically, hubby and I weren't stop. Nor were other local fellows, Chinese or Malays. Yup, just that Indian guy. I am not making assumptions, but I felt it was purely racial discrimination.

That's not the only time I encountered such discrimination. I was queueing to be seen by an immigration officer at Berakas. There were a few foreign workers sitting waiting for their turns as well. One local lady staff went out and called out a name (filipino name) pointed at her and called her to come in by fore-finger gesture. Very rude in deed.

I'm patriotic, but I think there is a fine line on how to treat others. We are malays and moslems, too. Melayu-Islam sepatutnya penuh bersopan dan menghormati orang lain. It's sad when we have no respect for other races. Malay supremacy ??? We know that's BS.

Supporting local artists

2009-08-21T16:49:00.003+08:00

Shopping around, heard one of many favourite songs on air. Went over to the AV section counter and asked what's playing. Showed me the album 'Tiga' by our local artists. Must admit I never knew this song was local, thought Indonesian song all this while.

I told the lady I want to take it, and she replied, "mahal ni $12, original saja nada yang copy."

It's shocking I got warned by the cashier like that. I would have thought they would try sell original copies to make more money. Plus it's the right thing to do. Or is it us consumers who are only interested in buying pirated cds for cheaper prices.

Well, I do think $12 is quite reasonable for originals. Plus, they are locals and who would support them if not us. Maybe Maria's album of $20 is a bit steep. For a local artist. But then again, she's doing well, and there's quite a number of songs in there. Nope, I only bought tiga. Maria's not bad but I prefer different genre of music than her.

Hope these artists can survive in Brunei with the way retailers sell their albums in the shop. Maybe it's just that shop, I shouldn't generalize.

selamat berpuasa

2009-08-21T16:48:00.000+08:00

thought i wish eveyrone selamat berpuasa, and jika ada kesalahan dan kesilapan secara senghaja atau tidak, dapat lah ia dimaafkan.

Projects delayed

2009-07-24T08:23:00.004+08:00

I criticise a lot, but I get criticised NON-STOP. It's the nature of my ASSIGNMENT. Practically things 'stop' without our service. So yes, the blames are pointed onto me from ALL directions.

Yesterday I got the bomb. I am accountable for ALL delays for ALL projects by my team. I take that accountability. But I must admit, these are stressing me up. I felt HELL yesterday. It's not FUN being question. But I can't point fingers onto my team even if there has been NO teamwork, SLOW effort by them. Cause I am their leader. Their failure is MY failure.

But I did investigate. It all came down to one person. He is a good guy, just extremely slow. I've discovered he can't multi-task. Neither is he resourceful. But in our line of business, these are ESSENTIAL assets. He just don't have them.

How do I get through him. He doesn't seem to recognise he's delaying his team mates. Neither seem bothered about that. I requested new timeline and proposal for a particular 'delay' project yesterday, he came up with new excuses. I don't understand why some people lack responsibility. Maybe it's true 'alah bisa tegal biasa.' But what am I gonna do about him? If I was Donalp Trump, I'd say "You're FIRED." But I'm not. Neither should I, he's got a family.

***sigh***

Tomorrow there'll be more questions, and next wednesday I'll be hearing more too. I'm holding my breath thinking of these.

Beyond our comfort zone

2009-06-07T20:50:00.004+08:00

Frustration? Ah.. nope, CHALLENGING, would be the right word. Oddly, I'm still looking at everything positively. Am I kidding myself? Nope. I have to trust my judgement. And the Big Boss's, when he chose me. I know I can, and they can. WE can. Irrespective of what everyone else thinks.

Okay, you can't change old dogs new tricks. And habits are difficult to break. But we gotta give people chances, don't we? We need to give people the benefits of the doubt.

This roller coaster ride is not ending soon. Endurance is a major necessity here. But if it stops, it's not going to be fun anymore. I took on the job, knowing it'll be tough. I'm not even an expert in the area. So what? If anyone is out to get me, stab my back or try get rid of me, when I've not given my 100+% yet, sorry... I'm not ready to leave yet.

Just give me a bit more time. It's only half the year that's gone. What have I delivered? Good question. But hey, even ministers have 5 years to prove they can change. I'm here given a year contract. I'm pressured, I feel the pressure; but I'm cool. NOT really. Hahaha. But safe to say, I'm not the only one feeling the heat. Every one is. We know the price of not delivering. So, we are all kicking our a$$es trying to get things going and done. So, we are definitely pushing our comfort zone.

It's been damn crazy, hectic, but I'm also having fun. Well... till the fat lady sings.

Bored...

2009-03-24T17:31:00.002+08:00

Well, when you are used to being out and about, it's kinda get to you when stuck at home. I know, it's time to relax and rest. I'm doing just that. Well, kind of. Baby's routine change. Unpredicatable. It's funny, but can be tiring. I'm trying to adjust.

He's sleeping at the moment. I know I should check on my work e-mails. I'm not in the mood. So, here I am blogging, and Youtubing Enrique. Uhuh. He's hot. As ever. He can sing 'hero' to me any time. Well, he's second to my Vin Diesel. Someone I'm looking forward to drool on this next few weeks. I may be confined, but hell no, I'm definitely watching Fast and Furious when it comes out.

So, us girls; do we think about other guys when we are married already? I don't know about others, but to me a DEFINITE NO, I'd say. Yeh, Enrique and Vin Diesel are just fantasies. Not that kind of fantasies (WELL, Ciara is so lucky in the video. Olala).

Other men or boys aside my husband don't tick me anymore. I don't think they ever will. Anymore. Come on, I had my time. I got married late, and yes, I enjoyed my single life. Do I miss single life? ...

I miss my friends, friends I had during my single life. They are not here. I miss going out having fun with them, and especially dancing salsa. I used to do a lot of salsa during my single life. No, that doesn't mean I miss my single life.

I'm thankful I've beautiful kids who need me right now. Thank God.

Okay, I'm off - just killing my boredom.

Re-Freshed

2009-03-15T17:09:00.006+08:00

Ah... isn't it wonderful. Baby's out. Yup, been just over 2 weeks now. Thank God. Baby's adorable (don't we all say that!). I'm feeling alright. I feel pretty healthy, thanks to the traditional postnatal treatment, which of course is costing me a bomb! It's like 1/4th my salary. Ah, they don't need education to dig deep into our pockets, just pure experience and great word of mouths. Are us women becoming victims of 'beauty and well-being'? Maybe. Well, the things we women do in the hope that our husband will notice the differences. Well, I don't know if husbands ever notice. I pray to God so. Anyway, my husband has been a great guy. ...I always wonder how men feel when observing us in labour. Any thoughts?

While I'm talking about labour, I must say I'm grateful to the midewife who attended me, as well as the nurses at Ward 18; First Stage and Labour Room. The Doctors were great too. My experiences at RIPAS with all 3 babies have been good. I don't have anything to complain, but admiration of the service. Well, except for the food. Supposedly catered by RBC??? Oh! Another thing. I didn't get my own room this time. Even after several requests, and early bookings. I don't know what happened this time. With my first baby, I got one of the Bungas. Then they were refurbished when I had my second baby. I thought I'd be able to get in this time. Not in luck. The odd thing was when I requested for it, the nurse kept emphasising the deposit is high, and the rate per night. We wouldn't have asked if we weren't prepared for it. I think what they didn't quite understand is why we should be spending so much to stay just for a few nights. Well, what they don't know is when you just gave birth, you want some company. It feels being cared for (with hubby being there next to you); it feels comfortable when you are in pain to go to your own toilet; and it feels easy when someone is there with you especailly if you have to leave your baby alone when you need to go to the toilet. Okay, it is a little of a luxury, but why not. After huffing and puffing; and with pain in your **se (literally speaking), you just want to be somewhere 'close' to home environment. ***Sigh*** Well, I'm planning to have a long break. So, my rant is on behalf of others having similar desire to mine.

Anyhow... what have I been doing since my leave? I mean aside from baby-bonding. The odd checks on my work e-mails. Uhuh. Can't rid me of work. Though, I must say I feel a little bad when I 'interfered', as if I don't trust my deputy and the team. To be honest, I just don't know if I'm meant to be away from work anyway. With the amount of projects before the fiscal year ends, and high expectations from everyone, it feels important to stay up-to-date with what's going around. I've also been feeling a bit guilty. I had one project which I didn't quite complete, and had to leave it to the team. They are still doing it. It should have been submitted sometime ago. I'm not blaming them, I feel responsible cause it was my project. I was entrusted with it. I feel bad that it got delayed. I feel bad whenever I asked my team how it's going. Cause I should be the person responsible and then expecting them to complete for me seems unfair and irresponsible. Well, I shouldn't and I should be putting my trust on my team to handle it without me 'instructing ' them on all angles of the project. They would know how. They should. In fact they are more experience than me in this area. I just came into this field recently. Plus, we're supposed to create leaders within them. Gosh, am I justifying my guilt?

Basically, I'm enjoying motherhood right now, bonding with my baby. But I must say it's not easy trying to juggle my time with my other kids, the husband and work e-mails. Breastfeeding is as usual a demanding task. 3 babies and that's how I felt all this while. Particularly in the first 2 weeks, where the baby is adjusting; and so was I. It has been incredible though with this baby. I felt a lot better and breastmilk is flowing well. Maybe because I got a boy, something that I've been looking forward to. Yup, we had girls all the way. This tiny boy also loves feeding, and perhaps his constant need for feeding helps the flow. He's also a kewl dude. He sleeps a lot too. I'm pretty relaxed, I can say. Alhamdulillah.

The only thing boring is staying indoors, at home. While everyone else is enjoying their other chores, like shopping and eating out. Talk about eating out, I'm going to miss that. I have put on a lot. Well, I put on a lot with my previous pregnancy, and I didn't quite lost it when I got pregnant again. Well, actually I lost a lot during my previous pregnancy, but put on postnatal. Then as I was losing, I got pregnant. I didn't put much on till the last few weeks. I was crazy over sugary food. I caved in, just couldn't handle it. So now, I'm very overweight. I checked this morning, I got 2 stones and a half to kill in the next 6 months. It will be tough. But I hope I can lose it. I've been inspired after watching "The biggest loser." Almost daily. But I can't diet yet, nor can I start my workouts till 5th week. Even when I start my exercise regime, I shouldn't be dieting. Well, if anything the idea is to get back my fitness level.

I have a NEW GOAL from now onwards. I want this break to ReFRESH me; so I will feel GREAT. Ultimately, I want to be HAPPY. Yes, my goal is to be HAPPY. I can go back to why I started this blog. To be positive, to fly high like the butterfly :)

(image source: www.bradfitzpatrick.com)

New Year New Beginning...

2009-01-16T17:15:00.003+08:00

NOT...

I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just being real. That's me.

Let's say, the new year has been very very very challenging. The 'attack' comes from all side, and I'm trying to stay as cool, calm and collected as I can.

It's nerve-wrecking. Nope, not just the pressure to be my best, and to deliver; but not knowing where I'm heading.

Ah.. directions. Some are guided, and I believe very much it's hand-able (is there such a word?). But there's one particular direction that I'm still unsure of. It's on a different cycle. It's even worst. It is driving me nutts, pushing me almost to extreme insanity - but I'm still breathing, and seriously calm(-looking). I guess I have to. This gutt inside of me says hold on. How long for more, I'm uncertain. I'm just afraid that when I can't any longer, the erruption is enormous. As bad as that of Pompei.

Then again, a wheel rolls. I'm staying grounded, I don't know what will ever happen. Like I said, these smiles can be fake many times. And too much jitters, no one can see. I'm forever scared.

Does it matter? Do they care? I really don't know. I know I want to know.

Aaah. new year, but no ending? I pray it will. Very soon. Cause I don't want to keep hoping. God says be patient, stay patient. I can keep on praying, but if I'm not trying and as passive as now, did it mean I have tried my best?

God, pls give me guidance, for I need it now more than ever. But I'm thankful for the rezeki God's given.

Soulsearching

2008-12-24T07:24:00.002+08:00

It's almost end of the year. So, I'm wishing all the best wishes to everyone:

Have a joyful Christmas to those celebrating.

A prosperous and harmonious new Hijrah 1430 to Muslims all over.

A brilliant New Year 2010 to everyone.

I'd like to thank those who had supported me all this while.

But for a temporary time, I will be gone from blogging. I need time to re-charge my life, my thoughts, my views, my vision. Call it re-strategizing and re-engineering my resolutions.

I will be back... sometime in the new year. Refreshed.

Take good care everyone, take comfort with all the good things we have in life :)

FirstAid a requirement

2008-11-11T06:47:00.005+08:00

I had to take my child for a GP review last Thursday at the local clinic. I couldn't escape from work until half three. I reached the clinic just before 4pm. To my surprise there were still quite a number of people waiting. The many people waiting was an unusual case. At that late time.

No one was attending the reception. A notice said they were closed. "Great", I thought. But a staff saw me and after explaining to her why I was late, she gave in out of sympathy. Bless her.

Lucky for me, dad was waiting to see his doctor too. It was him who mentioned that there was an emergency in one of the treatment rooms, and all doctors were attending to it. His appointment had to be abruptly stopped temporary for his doctor to take the emergency call. So, the waiting didn't bother me.

Dad got called back in, and cheeky of him, took my daughter along to get reviewed. I must admit I felt guilty, but it saved my time; I let him be. I am only human.

While waiting for my driver to pick us up (I was unwell and safety comes first - I had to be driven), I had the chance to talk to the clerks and nurses. They told me of the emergency. Sadly, despite everyone's efforts, a young child lost his life after choking on rambutan.

My condolence goes to the family. I'm writing here NOT to add salt to their wound, but as a parent myself I feel for them. I don't know where it went wrong, but the child was alone with their domestic helper. Parents were working.

This could happen to any of us. Most of us are working parents and having to leave our child in the hands of our helpers at home. Forget our helpers, even many of us parents do not know how to handle emergency situations.

Just earlier this year, I was requesting a colleague to put me on the list if they were to hold a workshop on FirstAid. I've not been called yet. I've also had at the back of my mind to send my home helpers for First Aid courses, if they were available. This recent incident call for urgent attention.

I'm blogging to request the Ministry of Health to establish First Aid trainings for the public, and for domestic helpers and drivers. They could charge us a fee. The employers will pay for their employees.

Perhaps also, the Labour Department could impose some kind of policy to ensuring domestic helpers have the most basic training of first aid, and Health and Safety (including handling fire, exiting premises, etc). The latter should be done in coroperation with the Fire Brigade.

If these are established, please make sure that registration are easily accessible (possibly on-line) and the public are aware of the trainings.

It's not easy...

2008-11-02T16:21:00.010+08:00

But who says it won't be difficult? I must have lived in fantasy world when I first thought things will all be plain sailing. No storms, no rough tides...

Haha... I must have been kidding myself. Nevermind. We all learnt from what crosses our life path. This is why I kept coming back to my theme song (You Gotta be - Desree) when I was an undergraduate. God knows where I kept my CD singles. I've a big collection of them then. I got to look for them. Stashed somewhere. At least Youtube's around to play this all time favourite of mine. Dedicated to you all, feeling the way I feel. We just have to be strong and tough.

Well, it's been a month since I last posted. I didn't even post anything worth reading in the last few months. I'm just not thinking... I'm unsure whether it's plain boredom or just out of ideas. The first is more likely. There are many to talk about, but to pen them or rather key them in here is something that requires time. I just don't have that recently. Bogged down with jobs. Even I can't finish my tasks at work, let alone trying to play around here.

Yup, I'm pretty much behind schedule with my usual project. Plenty of things to be done. I've hands to help, but this is really busy time of the year, everyone is trying to finish their own projects. Asking for help, ofcourse doesn't mean I'm incapable, just that it makes me feel guilty. Cause some people can't say no to you, when they are not sincere to help. So, I let myself handle those tasks alone. I'll get them done soon, I hope. They need to be, anyway.

I was PO-ed with a colleague the other day (been sometime, just before raya actually). Sometime early august she was avoiding me whenever i asked her when we should begin 'our' project. After a while, she diplomatically said she's passed me to do some administrative tasks only - and that should be sometime next year. That was not part of the plan. So basically, she has 'politely' taken me off THE project team. I was annoyed, but somewhat accepted that. It wasn't the end of the world.

But then suddenly just before raya when pressed by 'her' client, she came smiling and oh!so friendly. Asking me to produce a proposal for the project URGENTLY. Too bad for her - I've not bothered at all doing the proposal till now. As far as I'm concern, I am not in her 'team'.

I bumped into her yesterday, and she looked PO-ed with me. Do I care? No. Well, what can I say... Life's a bitch. If you can't beat them, join them.

(God forgives me...)

Maaf Zahir Batin

2008-09-30T15:05:00.003+08:00

Wishing everyone a wonderful Eidul Fitri 1429. May Allah Bless Us All.

Best wishes,
Winx

Selling Apples

2008-09-17T10:26:00.004+08:00

19 apple macbooks sold between $100-$400 ain't that much but tells us of a desperate criminal. Equivalent to a profit between $1900-$7600. Too little, to waste court's time, police and investigation time, school's administration time, and his time of 19 months in jail. Ofcourse, these had to be done. Crime needs to be stopped. I can sense emotions and anger in his victims, $400 max is a lot to each of them having their purchase confiscated (and perhaps returned to the School after a while). It's not just the time crime costed, but efforts, emotions and funds involved. Obviously, that equated to more than the $7,600 profit he 'made.'

Didn't think he'd get caught. Penetrated a crime in a school known to have some disciplinary issues with students. Who would have taught a teacher would do it, students would have been the culprits. But like they say "sepandai-pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua." I wonder what he's thinking now. I wonder how he rationalized and justified his behaviour.

Lost his teachership and trust. Lost his job at such a young age. Does he have a family - a wife and kids? Wonder how they cope with the embarassment. He is supposed to be a model. He is a teacher. But he detriment the image of the profession.

Is this another case of easy money? What on earth is happening to our morality. Are we becoming a materialistic and money-oriented society? What's wrong with us? Why do we succumb to all these pressures? Is life that hard that being deviant is the chosen action? I'm sitting down thinking how we could correct our unethical minds ...

Another level

2008-09-04T09:41:00.003+08:00

Now, we have a Bruneian caught in Chile for drug smuggling. That's taken us to another level.

It's no longer okay for us to think that the number of drug-users and drug-traficker are relatively small in comparison to the population (based on stats from NCB). We have to take urgent precaution. We ALL have to take actions, not just NCB.

It's 15 packets of coke. 5.73kg - that's more than the biggest bag of Breeze (or washing powder) available in the supermarket. That's not a tiny amount to play with. That's enough to penetrate more than a whole secondary school to go bonkers. Scary. Sickening. Silly.

Thank God he's caught. It's a shame. It's even a shame if he is anak melayu (stats indicate there are more malays involve in drug-usage, I'm not sure with drug-traficking).

I do wonder the profile of this kid. Is he employed? Is he (highly) educated? What is his background. How did he all started? I'm sure NCB is working on this.

I wish to congratulate those concern for managing to catch this guy. I wonder what's his punishment. He sure is making history, but not in a good way.

let's all say no to drug -usage, and traficking!

Moving on

2008-09-02T11:35:00.004+08:00

I contemplated on what I written in the last post. Have I just jeopardised my chances of promotions? Perhaps. Would I even be considered for my 'appeal'? Not very likely.

So I thought... should I remove it? My mind says if I was to save my career, I should.

Well, I want to save my career. My livelihood depends on it. But if I remove my post, I'd be one of those who shrink under pressure. I don't want to be one of them. The truth must be out. If we were ever to move on and develop. The way I see it, we should be able to accept crititism. I stand by it, no matter how much it hurts. It's what make us stronger.

Some would argue, don't just talk about the issues and problems, we got to solve them. Contribute with solutions, then they'd be progressive, positive and constructive.

So here I am with a solution to my problem. I would be writing it to them, who ever is concern and authoritative. I know where the problem lies, but penalising, discouraging and stopping me (with no hard facts, and black and white) from finishing what I need to get done would not solve anything. Would also be a waste of everyone's resources, time and effort in the long run. I'm no longer asking for answers to the why not. I am appealing to them to give me what I need. Not without condition. If I come out successful with the project on the proposed timeline, don't penalise me. Otherwise, I'm willing to pay back every cents spent on my proposal.

It's risky and drastic. Give us (not just me) that chance, and we'll put our very best. There is no reason why we should fail to deliver. History taught us well. We may sound selfish, but the success and product of our projects will permeate nationwide. It would be of everyone's good, and not just us - ourselves. Let's have an open mind.

It takes GUTTS to fight on

2008-08-31T09:12:00.009+08:00

The last few weeks have been interesting. I got to open my eyes. I found out and figured the fakes and the genuines. Like branded leather bags, the fakes lose their softness after a while. Ofcourse some, are totally stiff from the start. You just have to learn to distinct between the fakes, replica, inaunthentics with genuine and real ones. They are usually not difficult if you learn to master the detection process. So yes, I got to know who my true and good friends are, and who revolves around me to make my (career) life hell. It's okay. Rezeki di tangan Tuhan, and God knows the truth.

To be honest, when it comes to career now, it's a laugh. The performance appraisal is out, and I'm yet to fill them in. My plans for development, ... let me see... It's sickening really. Do they even bother to read? Or there are just too many of us. That's not a good excuse. Indeed, it's a competitive world, to be listened to or to be even reviewed. I'm all for competition, but let's be healthy. And why compete, when we can ally. Unfortunately, synergy is not essential in backstabing organization.

Sometimes, you put your best. Oh yes, I think I've contributed a lot in the last one year (forget the last few years), but do they care? I do wonder. It's frustrating to see that some people (with titles) who just knows how to delegate and not even 'turun padang' get promoted or seen as fascinating and high calibred. And some of them, are 'si-tau' yet if you asked them deep, they don't know sh*t. Whilst, some of us, who put our hearts into it, even do the dirty jobs, never question how much money we've put in to make some tasks successful (as if we can ever get budgets for these), be creative, and so forth, don't get the support you asked for. Some of us don't get promoted. We don't even understand on what grounds some people got theirs. On a case by case basis? Do they even understand the meaning of that? Then they asked you not to give up. They are simply talking bulls. Either playing dumb or really stu**d. Not forgetting - myopic in thoughts and perspectives. Sad that people with responsibilities donot put their BEST-est to develop us to the fullest. Unfortunately some of us don't know how to lick *ss, well, it's not our principle; and some of us are too honest, but honesty doesn't pay.

I'm angry. Yes. For me and for others in similar situations. Ah, so much for Tunas Bangsa. But there's a new boss in town. Hope is there. Amin. As what I've seen him, he's mad (in a good way), enthusiastic, tough, solution-oriented, network-minded, and I believe strategical. Not to say the former wasn't. It takes gutts to steer, drive and produce changes. I think he has that. I'm giving my utmost support. I'm ready to embrace changes. No matter how drastic it will be. If it's all for genuine intentions.

Another P... positive

2008-08-06T07:41:00.006+08:00

Well, I had planned to run the 21k this sunday. Only that I won't be. I'd just be sitting down, and absorbing the atmosphere, waiting for the soul-mate to finish his run in 2 hours. I wanted to do the 5, but I learnt there were less than 20 when I wanted to register, and they sounded young and brutal. As much it would have been a fun run, I didn't want to finish too far behind from the rest. I need to have a steady heart rate, if I join. It's not a good idea anyway. I'll feel pressured not to run faster. I might over heat, so nevermind, there'll be a next time. A bit frustrating that I missed the last Brunei marathon, and this one now. It's okay.

Yes, I've lost weight from going back to running and weight training - 6 kilos to be exact. I needed another 5k to go back to pre-marital size. It's been difficult, but was determined.

I am still determined, but I've been reminded not to go on a diet at the moment. In fact, my running has stopped. My exercising faltered slightly. I still dance every so often, and do a bit of weights. I have the tendency to go rigorous, causing my heart to beat faster (than it should). I must not go a maximum of 70% mhr. But most times, it did. This tires me easily. In fact, I get exhausted so easily these days, from doing nothing.

Anyway, am little frustrated that I've not reached my target weight yet. It'll not be until end of the first quarter next year I'd re-start my weight-loss programme. This wasn't planned. Not at all. I was not ready, not another 3 years. But like I said God works in mysterious way. He took away one good thing, and replace with something more beautiful, InsyaAllah.

Hah... Bali has done its effects.

Alhamdulillah :)

P on the highway

2008-07-25T06:44:00.008+08:00

No kidding. He must had had a gallon in there by the angle and amount of flow.

You might find this sickening, but I got to mention it. It's a rarity we get people doing their business right on the side of the highway and CLEARLY visible IN Brunei. I mean this was just less than a kilo from Jerudong Park. By the look of his face, he wasn't drunk. Yup, we stared at each other and no, 'it' didn't stop. He looked more RELIEVED, a little confused, and possibly bemused that I stared at his face, and erm... lucky not his weapon. He did look like an ex, but NO, it wasn't him, and I'm sure the ex would never have done that. Yeh, put him on an identity parade, no doubt I can pinpoint this guy. I mean he was just a few metres away. He parked his car on the side, and did his thing right beside it. Ok, good thing he put his car signal on, ofcourse not on emergency.

(Picture opposite is not the actual photo, I didn't have a camera on me. source: http://farm1.static.flickr.com)

Like I said, he didn't look intoxicated. He must have been desperate that he just couldn't control it, and had to let go there and then. But as a man he could have gone into the bushes. There weren't any really. Okay, the very least he could have covered himself with his car door. I wouldn't have noticed it from afar, even if I was wondering what kind of sprinkler was coming from the car.

Maybe he had driven from Belait. I'm not justifying his action. Think about it. There's no service station (with loos) you can get to on this 100km ride from that district. Well, except that Telisai Filling Station, they've an okay restroom you could use. I frequent this cubicle, ever so often on my way down to or up from Belait. That's only if you knew it exist. It happened by chance, in my case, sometime ago.

When I'm desperate and had passed Telisai, I do wonder if that Royal Brunei Police Highway Patrol Post has got a portable loo I could use. Never stopped to ask. Maybe that's it, put public toilets at the same spot; maybe those coin-operated and self-cleaned ones like they have in Europe. I mean if we placed them nearby the Police post, who'd dare to vandalise it. No, it's not the duty of the Police Officers stationed there to man the toilet; that's not their job of course. We just need their presence. Not just to stop potential vandalism, but any peeping Tom we girls afraid of. Just a thought.

(pic source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/...)

Have I P.O-ed a lot of people?

2008-07-14T15:25:00.004+08:00

Ah, that's a great question I guess never will be answered. I must have, I believed. Do I care? Yes, I do. Must I apologize? I'm thinking - should I apologize for what I believe in? For what should have been my right?

I was talking to SOMEbody this morning. Well, he's only a messenger. He delivered what needed to be delivered to me. Not a GREAT news. I should have been told much earlier. But how would they convey it nicely to me? I guess they've to wait till I 'hantar' diri. I didn't quite finished and I was interrupted. I knew what it meant.

I didn't shed a tear, even if I wanted to. I was utterly dismayed, disappointed. But, I wasn't really taken aback by the news. I mean this heart, this brain has received too many bullets and missiles over the last few months. In fact, since late last year. What's another bomb, right?

Yes, I've toughened up a little bit. No, I'm not angry. It's not anybody's fault but me. I'm not going to point fingers at others. Cause it was one mistake I made 5 years back. No, that wasn't a mistake at all. It was a miscalculation. Now thought about it again, the miscalculation was not 5 years back. It was way back December 1998. All because I didn't like disappointing a particular person. So, the blame is on me. For ALWAYS putting others over me. I never like to say NO even if it meant it'll cause me terribly. Be it family, friends, acquaintance, work.

But could it also be karma? I hurt too many people in the process. One, two, three, yeh! more than one. They must have been praying for me to live guiltily forever. I do hope they'd find in their heart to forgive me.

Then again, GOD works wonder! Does things in mysterious ways. It's incredible and amazing actually. I'm not going into details on this. But Alhamdullilah, I saw the setback of last November. Thank God, it happened. Otherwise, ... Now, this - today. I guess, I have to preservere. There must be something totally beautiful beyond this. Amin.

This was Plan B. Plan A failed. Plan A, Plan B now out of the way. I don't have Plan C. Too confident Plan B would worked. It was supposed to work. I was given the green lights. Yes, a little misled. But it's okay. Now, back to drawing board for Plan C. Gotta kill me to make me quit trying. Cause I'm too young to quit.

But maybe a getaway again, before I pen my plan C. Where to? Any suggestions?

(image source: www.pitt.edu)

Hidden talents

2008-07-01T08:16:00.012+08:00

Once upon a time, I remember I was back in England and we were suggesting on restoring the Dermaga - such a historic building. I can visualize what happened in there, then. I remembered vividly getting a ferry to Labuan from there. Hectic. Scary. Nice. Anyway, I heard they are re-opening this place again. I'm unsure into what, but rumor has it that it'll be an Art Gallery. Interesting. But I'm not too sure about it, depends on what kinds of arts they are talking about. Still photos, oil paintings, sculptures... I don't know. It is good to showcase local and foreign talents. We've aplenty.

I believe, there's more we can do to make BSB centre alive again. Yayasan Complex - that Royal Icon, has a lot to offer to complement the new Cultural Village (I'm very looking forward to this village) and the Dermaga. The river-side - great things can be done; I know and I've seen some beautiful plans done by one lady. Hope somewhat, they'll materialize. Yes, we have to move forward. Yet we re-live the past. Differently, maybe. History and heritage have to be remembered somehow. Anyway, these aren't what I really want to talk about in this entry.

Alai Jimat - the mascot
I was at TAP's 15th Anniversary Celebration at Rizqun yesterday. I was fuzzled at first as I flipped through their programme book (see opposite picture). At a glance, I saw what I thought looked like a ' green tong-gas' (gas cylinder) in their programme book. What on earth is the tong gas doing in TAP's programme. Didn't click at all initially. Duhh. Hey, I'm pretty sure if some of you had seen BLNG's or was it BSM's safety leaflet way back in the 80s or early 90s, you'd sense some familiarity and similarity. I have a poor eyesight, must admit to that. I guess my eyes were playing tricks on me, and I automatically went into pictorial association mode, and filled in the gap. Actually, it's TAP's mascot - Alai Jimat (the bamboo tabung), part of TAP's financial planning campaign for school kids. I had a giggle with a colleague discovering my honest mistake. I did get a sense of the mascot after. Yeh, it makes sense.

But what really caught my attention, and other's I believe, was the musical act performed by SMS School students (formerly PDS). Incredible and entertaining. Talented young kids. I didn't get the chance to take a video of it, must have been on the News last night. Yup, not all of them are Bruneians, but the few Bruneians in there are just good. The props are amazing. I'm proud that a school is able to that.

This is what I really want to say. We have to open up a centre that can help nurture these young talents at a national level. Not just the very young, the young adults, or adults who are really into performance arts, stage arts, theatrics (contemporary, traditional, classical - what ever sorts); they should have a place where their talents could be harnessed and developed. Not some place where they just learn and train (I know we do have that at Min. of Culture, Youth and Sports building in Berakas), but really this would be their 'home.' Somewhere they can perform to the public every now and then. Perhaps, on weekends. The public then can come and be entertained. The performers get their talents appreciated, and get paid as well. The public can co-financed through entry fees. Private firms can sponsor. We don't need to wait for special occasions to see them showcasing their talents. We have the weekends or even weeknights if possible. At least I have extra places to bring my kids in the weekend. At least tourists have some place at nights to info/entertain. With the right talents and managers, these would be possible. If a school could do that, a ministry (CYS) can too. TUNAS BANGSA.

Injustice to Brunei ladies

2008-06-27T16:55:00.004+08:00

A 'Brunei woman' doll sold at The Mall

Creativity is one thing, and I absolutely love the idea of selling dolls of Brunei women for souvenirs. But then, let's give justice to the average us, Bruneian lasses. We don't really look like that, right? Let tourists be reminded of a little beauty lah. Blonde hair some more, haha. I was blonde once, but to represent us like this is a little skewed. I can appreciate the songket, but don't over do it. We do have some dress sense. Be fair lah sikit, we don't want people to go home and think of us as one of The Muppets.

Just remember, you want to sell Brunei, do a little marketing. Beauty sells. Even if it exaggerates slightly, why not? At least we can stick to being the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasure as in unexpected beauty. Plus, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe on average, we do have a lot of pretty women.

Struggling to respond

2008-06-17T07:09:00.010+08:00

We've been down for over a week now. We asked some of our clients who didn't give us their e-mails to contact us electronically. As they were, the system broke down. I've tried e-mailing myself in the hope it'll bounce back. Nope, nothing. Meaning our clients wouldn't know if we never get their e-mails. So much for TPOR. Time for plan B. Problem with plan B, too slow. Hopefully, whenever they manage to solve this, we can retrieve the e-mails sent. Responding to these accumulating e-mails will be another issue (hopefully not in their hundreds, like hubby receives daily!). Better late then never, right? May not please the customers.

(pic source: www.ondisruption.com)

Road rage, and my anger

2008-06-16T07:39:00.011+08:00

It's school holidays. Great! No traffic jams. Parents leave later to work. I can never get holidays when the kids are. My deputy booked the holiday earlier, and I don't have anybody to 'jaga our kadai'. I do get to go to work late. Sorry Boss! Confession, confession, confession: I do feel really bad and guilty about it. But there's only so many hours in a day. I try make up with lots of thinking at home. No, I just don't stop thinking, one of those Type A people. Hah.

It's funny when we talk about thinking. Sometimes you get really angry. We can't help emotions sometimes. I must admit I've not been truly positive about a lot of things. We have to have reality check sometimes, right? When things don't go right or the way we want it to be, we do have our moments. But we learn from those negativities. We should.

I went to Miri just last weekend. To finish off my leave. It was an impromptu thing. The last time I went there was March 2006, for work. My, they have a flyover already in the middle of the city. Just over one year and things are developing. Ticked my nerves. Why can't we do the same? We've expanded our road in Gadong, but still a cross-road, with traffic lights. What's wrong with a little advancement. Our car population is increasing, why can't we anticipate for something way ahead, and stop traffic jam before it even begins? I just don't get it. I'm not a planner, not an engineer, but I think it can be done. Not easy, yes. But it can be done. I remember doing a group project in US-time on Brunei road transport system (and yes we got to go to Bangkok for that!), it was amazing that between the 50s and late 80s, we were doing a lot of improvement on our road network. I'm not saying after that we haven't. We have, we've seen them, but just not too visible enough for many of us to signify, "we're where we should be". I don't know, really. Maybe I'm wrong. I know there are lots of upgrading on rural roads, and border road systems. But the main ones, like the highways are still frustrating. Or in between highways and by-passes. What's more frustrating are those highways with U-turns.

Why do we have U-turns on highways? Why can't we have alternatives like overbridges, underbridges, accommodation bridges, underpasses or whatever road-planners and engineers call it. These are costly, and go beyond budget? What about the cost of people's lives (and the cost to their families and friends and whatsoever cost can be linked to e.g productivity cost of that person should they stay alive longer, or stay uninjured), aren't these costs counted in when calculating for the 'safest and efficient road.' Then we say these people who lost their lives are of their own fault. They don't adhere to road rules and regulations. Well, how many percent of all traffic accidents are purely the fault of the road users, and not aggravated by the conditions of our road? Even road rage can be attributed from frustration being on the road, and not entirely a character thing.

but lucky we don't have these MAGIC roundabouts

Then you got those weird roundabouts with extra side-exits (slip-lanes?). How the he*l do we use them? I don't bl**dy understand these ones, e.g. the ones in Beribi - right infront of Sumbangsih Mulia. Cause I never come across them before. I've been on multiple roundabouts (UK), but with the same principle as the sole roundabout (with 3, 4 or 5 exits). I've never driven in the States, if ours follow the same system. They said the roundabouts in the States are so confusing. Little wonder.

I mean which lane should you be in when you want to go straight or the third exit. Seems like everyone is using outer lane to go to the 2nd exit. This sound logical as we have the extra side exit to get onto the first exit. But how do you evade from being rammed by other road users from the 2nd and 3rd exits wanting to go to your 1st and 2nd exits? I don't get it. Plus many are still using the outer lane not just to go to the 2nd, but also the 3rd exit. Now whichever method you use, you're bound for surprises coming from your left. You truly need to slow down, even attempt to brake, which may cause the car behind you kissing your car's b*tt. Now who's bl**dy fault is that? The user for ignorance or the road-planner for creating too fancy a roundabout with no clear directions. And what is so incredibly funny is when you get to see driving instructors teaching newbies these roundabouts the wrong way.

Can planners now create a signage of which lane we should take to avoid us getting highly emotional on the road. I mean it's fine if it's just a honk, but when you get the fore-finger gesture and you see the other driver swearing at you, it doesn't feel nice at all. Especially when you think you are right. But, you think again, they might be right, too. Importantly, to avoid us from not just being emotional, but spending our hard-earned salary (either cash/credit) at the workshop. You're lucky if you are not at fault. Who acknowledges its their fault anyway, when you can't figure who's right and who's wrong!

Irrespective of the slip-lanes, I use the normal principle of the roundabout: outer lane for the nearest and second exit, and inner lane for second (inner), third (inner) and u-turn (or back to my exiting road). I made sure I indicate well (i.e. not too early, i.e. just before the exit I want to take). But again, I'm following the British highway code. I could be incredibly wrong, while thinking I'm right all these time. So, my requests:

road-planner (MOD), please put up some label 250 metres before the roundabout for the correct lanes to take and directions. Labeling them on the road isn't good enough (e.g. the mega-roundabout infront of Jame). Either have it way in advance or above the road.
Land Transport Department with Printing Department, perhaps can produce and publish a book/phamplet on Brunei highway code, so we can read it at our own time. Sell it a considerable cost (I can't recall how much it cost me, the British highway code; very minimal GBP2 the most)

I don't know how much these costs to the government, but I think it'll be worth it. We are all trying to save here. Save money and lives. But lives are our priority, right?

BALI-bur

2008-06-04T12:33:00.013+08:00

Now this is another quick log.

Me surfing on tiny waves and
so UNcool wearing a helmet! Damn!

Bali was great last week. I learnt to surf. Manage to stand up (ofcourse with a beginner surfboard). I've the photos to prove them (dare I put them in here? Maybe not. Not with my face identified, just in facebook perhaps). Didn't matter, it was fun, and I got addicted to learning to surf. I have every intention to purchase a surf board and to go back to Bali for another surfing holiday. I will. I wish we've the waves for this. I could get a hang of this game.

Kuta Beach

Kuta was happening - we stayed for 5 nights there. Didn't dare go clubbing, haha. The bombsite was enough to dampen the spirit to boogie all night. But, we did see Cokelat at Hard Rock. Awesome. But Digital Band got me appreciating TRASH metal for once. The bass and lead, the drum roll were incredible. I was ready to purchase their CDs, but ofcourse at 60,000 RPH for a CD at the retail got me thinking of home, and pirate CD copies at Kadai Komunis. Should I buy or should I not? Ethics aside, at almost $10 it is a bit steep. I'm one of those who try get things for free if possible. Typical Bruneians? Not really. Regardless the nationality, we all seek for the cheapest deal. I've friends from England who'd take every opportunity to buy pirate CDs/VCDs/DVDs when they are in Asia. Who would not. Why should we feel guilty? For they make millions of dollars/pounds already. Maybe not the newcomers, but who knows about these newcomers anyway? Who watch them? We usually buy those with established names, and they are the one with the millions. So no harm done, really. Ofcourse, we make the pirate operators happy. Well, I'm happy, too. So what difference does it make. Well, plenty of difference, actually. If we think about it. I'm not going to talk about that now. I don't intend to make this log a guilt-making session. Cause I am on leave. I am FREE. I should try be free in all aspect, including guilt-FREE.

Tepi Sawah Villa and Spa

Anyway. We stayed in Ubud, the first 3 nights. Lovely place. Tranquil. Perfect for a romantic getaway. Haha. If you take that opportunity any way. Not to say we didn't ;) Stayed at Tepi Sawah Villa and Spa. Our room (Batuan Villa - cheapest of all) has a beautiful view of the sawah padi. Highly recommended, except its breakfast was pretty monotonous. The same thing almost everyday. But whatever it is, the place is awesome.

Gunung Batur

On our way back to Kuta, spent a whole day out touring. Enjoyed a morning Barung Dance by Batu Bulan villagers. Late lunch on Kintamani by Batur Volcano (lunch wasn't great, but view was amazing). Visited an 11th Century Hindu temple - Goa Gajah and Bali's holy spring - the Tirta Empul. (Damn, can't put a lot of pics here due to identifiable features. Sorry!)

Sunset at Jimbaran

They say don't leave a romantic getaway without a sunset dinner at Jimbaran. Beautiful seafood and tropical juices they claimed (a whole load of crap! If I want proper seafood, I'd still say Dragon Seafood Restaurant on Jln Baram in Miri just 15 minutes away from Marriot is the best. Unless you are in Bangkok). We did head to Jimbaran on our final night. The sunset is awesome. But they don't set on the horizon (neither the sunset at Kuta). I'd say Jerudong sunset is as beautiful or even better (so stay at The Empire Hotel main building if you are looking for a gorgeous sundown).

Bali was great, and I'd go there again. For the various 'S' holiday: Sun, Sea, Sand, Surf, and whatever S you like to include in there. RBA doesn't fly there anymore, so Air Asia is our next bet. Oops. I got to go. I've to run to our beautiful resort, the one with the gorgeous view of Punyit Isle. I hope it'll be fun. I'm not committed to talk, cause I'm on leave. It's enough to observe. Listening is what I do best, these days.

Dedicated to the man I love

2008-05-16T08:26:00.008+08:00

Dear Baby,
It was 5 years ago when you came into my life. It's this weekend that we first talked to each other. It's next month you came to see me, proposed to me, and a month later, we got engaged. 2 months after we got married. We have had a gorgeous life together so far. Beautiful over 4 years marriage memories, cute kids, nice house, supportive families. I couldn't ask for anything else. I shouldn't. And, I would want to keep it that way forever and ever.

I dedicated to you this song when I was thousands of miles away from you then. It inspired you to create your proposal avatar; "Just a little project I worked on last evening whilst listening to Shakira's "Moscas En La Casa" .. Mis dias sin ti (Flies In the House .. Days without you)." Although, Mariah Carey's and Busta Rhymes "I know what you want" had been our theme song, and we did go to her concert during our honeymoon, and yes, we had our second child named after her (not our first, hahaha), it has always been Shakira's mis dias sin ti that reflects my heart when I am away from you. I believe the same with you.

Now that we've known each other for 5 years, these songs remain close to my heart. I look forward to forever-ness. Amin. One thing for sure, 'mis dias sin ti' is difficult, and I can't imagine being without you. I don't want to be without you. I want to spend the rest of your life with me and our kids. Just us.

Baby,
If I ever showed disinterest, I never meant to.
If I looked swayed, that's not true.
For in my heart, there's only you.
I sincerely and honestly love you. Only you.

Your wifey,
winx

P.S. Thank you for the beautiful winx.

Finally, the translation that you wanted all this while.

My days without you are so dark,
so long, so gray,
my days without you are so absurd,
so bitter, so tough,
my days without you,
My days without you don't have nights,
if someone appears,
it's useless to sleep,
my days without you are an excess,
the hours don't have a beginning, or end

so short of air,
so filled with nothing,
useless junk,
trash on the floor,
flies in the house

my days without you are like a sky,
without silvery moons,
nor traces of the sun,
my days without you are only an echo,
that always repeats,
the same song

so short of air,
so filled with nothing,
useless junk,
trash on the floor,
flies in the house

stumble on the rocks,
still i keep waiting that you'll return to me,
still i keep looking in the faces of the old,
bits of a child,
hunting reasons that make me believe,
that still i meet with life,
biting my fingernails,
drowning in my tears,
missing you so much,

my days without,
oh how they hurt, my days without you

Ya Allah
Kau peliharakanlah dan teguhkanlah ikatan kasih sayang kami berdua
Jangan kau putuskan rezeki kami;
(cinta kami, anak-anak kami, kesihatan kami, dan harta-benda kami)
Kau murahkan lagi rezeki-rezeki ini kepada kami;
Berikan kami masa selamanya untuk menyayangi sesama kami;
berikan kami kesempatan untuk memelihara, menyayangi, membesarkan anak-anak kami bersama,
agar mereka menjadi anak-anak soleh, beriman, dan berjaya;
kuatkan keimanan kami dengan cubaan-cubaan mu;
bukakan hati kami kepada jalan yang lurus;
tutupkan hati kami kepada yang buruk, yang boleh menghancurkan kasih-sayang dan rezeki-rezeki kami.
Ya Allah,
hanya Engkau tempat ku meminta
Engkau Maha Tinggi, Maha Kaya, Maha Kuasa.
Wa Sal Allahu Ala Sayidina Muhammaddin, Wa Ala Alihi, Wa Sahbihi Wa Sallam
Walhamdulillah hir-rabil Al-Amin

On a positive note

2008-05-09T17:44:00.006+08:00

I must have exaggerated. I was having a difficult time in the last month, but, I have to say a lot of my time was involved with quite a few projects, hence the inability to update my blog, or read other people's blogs. Professionally, I have to say Alhamdulillah, berezeki.

The usual project I handled is now in its middle stage. Things had fall in the right places, and I'm grateful to my team. Particularly my secretary. He has been resourceful - young and energetic. Haven't said no to me yet, or perhaps too afraid to say no. Haha. He is like my PA; constantly reminding me of meetings and things I should be doing, more like my talking management diary. He'd even text me in the morning to remind me I should be in the office at a certain time. He's good. I'd highly recommend him. He works hard. I know the other members bully him, cause he thinks he can handle all. He tries hard to show them he can. I appreciate that. I'd like to see him delegate the tasks I assign to the other members himself, rather than me. But he's not have the gutts yet. I think he'll get it in a few years. He just need confidence and assertiveness.

Another member; she's pretty, cute, sweet and manja. She's fun as well. Actually, she's our secret weapon. We know she has the charm; no one has turn her down yet. No one. She's getting married in August. I wish her well. He must be the luckiest man on earth.

Then there's the other go-getter. She's smart, I like her brain, I like her confidence, I like her know-it-all attitude. She's got some ego, and I think she will do well in her career. She listens, that's important, even if she has a strong view over a topic.

There's also the handsome boy. We all like his carefree attitude. He's smart. He's fun. The girls are playful with him. I like to see that. Nothing kinky.

Another young member, she's the gym-goer. Like every lunch time, she is thinking of working out. She is planning to marry too. So I guess, trying to look extra good on the wedding day. I wish her well.

My deputy, he's a busy man. I think he feels a little left out. He was always my wing man, but now my new secretary is doing his job too well. I feel guilty at times, when I forgot to cc him e-mails or update him on the latest. As if he doesn't exist. But I do, every now and then. But he's my backbone, no matter what. He's there when I needed an extra brain to think.

My other deputy, he must really feel left out, or he is happier where he is. My other two members are too engaged with their personal matters, and I tolerate that. I have to understand that some people may not be available when things are rough for them on that front. Cause, I know how difficult it is to focus when personal circumstances get in the way.

I'm happy with my team. This team.

My other projects involve me working with various other people. One particular project is just done. I'm not really sure if it's totally complete, at least my part was done. That was not easy. Lack of planning. But we had our exit strategies. Haha. The few of us who weren't happy with how it was handled. I think many weren't happy. But what to do, it has to be done. It could have been done better. Only if there weren't any personal agenda. Let's stop there.

Another project is at its very initial stage. I'm a professional, I work with anybody. Not to say I'm not cautious with people's agenda. I like transparency, I like honesty. I don't like back-stabbing. I don't like to be used as an instrument. So, yes, it has stayed at the very initial stage. I've laid down my conditions, to move forward. If she ignores all these, tough. I will not be in the project team, even if I know I'm a necessity. And yes, it involves remuneration. It's a mega project, I may be at lost. I want this project. But, rezeki halal is ultimate.

I've just been invited to another project. I am very keen on this one. But it will be tough. The meeting is to be held next week I believe. It's not a big team, but I'm to work with a partner. A partner that's tough to work with. She's good with communication skill, but I know this assignment is not her expertise. And, she has a reputation for slow delivery. She must have her reasons. Team effort, that will be a big question. It'll be a 'me' project somehow. I guess I have to be ready for that. I'm just taking this positively. I really want to work on this project, for professional development.

There is another project I've been invited. Meetings went well. It is nice number team. I'm in only for a few hours. Early June. Very interesting. I like this project. Easy. I've not made my preparation yet. Next week, I've to focus on this. It'll be good and fun.

My final on-going project. Has taken me down and up to Belait. It's the toughest of all. Outcomes can only be measured afterwards. It takes a lot of time and effort. Driving to Belait is tiring, but remuneration is GREAT, if I can stay deliverable. My only concern is... haha.. the driving to and fro. Our road network is appalling, especially from Telisai Satelite Station onto Seria by-pass. I can understand how commuters feel now. Lucky I don't need to be in during the rush hours. If I do, my stress level could go up I guess. I'm also embarrassed for us. At my age, I'm driving on the same tiny road that my dad drove us to KB when we were little. It's not in it's best condition anyway, so little wonder we hear every other day there are accidents. Imagine how many working hour is lost because of our roads. Come on road engineers, planners and MoD, please do something about this. I'm sure that there's a way to expand our road network, and make commuting/driving to Belait a safe, easy and less-stress one.

Life goes on

2008-05-08T19:03:00.002+08:00

It's been almost a month since I last enter. I didn't even read this blog, or other blogs. A lot happened. A lot lot lot. Made me think. Twice, thrice, endlessly. It's totally personal. About me, my feelings, my actions or in-actions. Pursue or not pursue. Move on or stay in the past. Fuzzy is the word to describe my brain... then. Until I learnt a few days ago on the word 'NOW.' I must admit, it's not easy capitalizing on this powerful THREE letter word. At the same time, I have had relapses in between the last 48 hours, but I'm putting faith onto NOW.

Along the way, I'm meeting others - a lot lot of others, perhaps in my situation, perhaps worst, perhaps not. Various words and theories are put forth to describe all these. Temptation as one, faith as another, trust add ons, bother-less also on the list... emotional was even subscribed. Interesting. Questions of why, why not, when, what if, where, and ... are thrown around. Strategies planned. Withdraw or charged. Take charge or surrender.

Only God knows how strong I will be.

P.S. To those I have (unintentionally) hurt (before)... I am so sorry. I never meant to. Sometimes, things happened. Forgive me once again. If only I knew all the answers, it'll make it easier. But I am only human. Let's move on. Cause life goes on, and I am still breathing.

Slacking

2008-04-10T16:13:00.003+08:00

Am at work, and I know I shouldn't be online now. Not yet. Another 14 minutes would be okay. Maybe. But I never blog from work. They could be checking on what I'm doing. They'd find out who I am. But they've figured anyway. So does it really matter.

I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. There are lots of information I've been absorbing. I tend to analyse things too deep, too far. I can't deal with them in simplistic manner. Maybe my character. Maybe my profession. It spills off into my personality and character. But this particular subject, perhaps, requires me to just take it simplistically. As simple as I could. But it's not easy. Even in its a simplest form. To me the logic in simplicity is just not there, or rather not right.

I just went on googles (with my music CD on in the background). I played around for a bit. Searching for an old username of mine. Ahhh.. still there. Oddly, I've not used it for a long time now, but I saw it popping up somewhere else after I 'resigned' that username. I resigned it then as it was abused. Could have damaged my relationship with my new hubby then. Perhaps, that was the intention. I've forgiven - who ever he/she was. Nevermind.

So I clicked on some of the old entrees I did then. I thought they were funny. Tickles my brain, made me emotional. I smiled, and maybe some tears in my eyes, just now. Good and sad memories. Times when people can hurt you, or can make you happy. Ideas accepted and rejected. The power of words. Through the internet.

It makes me wonder. How can we be so emotionally attached through words. Words are merely made up of letters. But use unwisely they can be miscontrued, manipulated and amplified. They can be false, they can be falsified. Yet, they can turn real. If reality is good, that's fine. But when it's the otehr way round. Can just burn you out.

Ah. I don't know why I'm rambling on these things. I need to get out from this office. And Head home. I'm not being productive this afternoon. Too much information, too difficult to focus on. Time off. maybe I need another getaway. Getaway without work.

**Headache**

Okay. I'm out.

Slowing down...

2008-04-08T06:58:00.005+08:00

I know the last time I was here was last month, to be exact just over 2 weeks. I'm not as active as before. There's too much on my plate. There's too much to think about. Work, home and exercise are not easy to manage. I'm trying. I don't know if I'm trying too much, or still too little. How do I measure my endeavours? It seems that with all the effort I'm doing - I can't see much conversion from them. It's like going to an exhibition hall in Brunei and you'll only get people to taste your samples, but not quite purchasing them. Even if there are, they are not in the quantity you are targeting for.

I've just been back from a 3 day conference and workshop in Singapore. Brilliant. Who would have thought that I'd be sitting down listening to one of the guys from YouTube, Pinstorm, and a couple of other big names (if I start putting them down, then I'll reveal my identity). I realized that we are so far behind, and a lot of catching up to do if we were ever to achieve our vision - yes, I'm talking about the organization I worked for. Now that we have competitions, I am unsure if our strategies we have in placed can sustain our position. There's a couple of things we've not capitalized on, and we should start harnessing them. I know I can start the ball rolling, and I have a good team behind me who could help with that effort.

But there is mix enthusiasm in my team. You can't blame them if some are not up for it. What's their reward? None translatable to monetary or performance bonuses. While I get a little remuneration, they don't. So, it's not been easy being their leader. While I'm passionate about the job, they have mix feelings; and true! Why should they work their a^&e off when they only get a thank you from me. I really appreciate their work. I do get frustrated when things don't get done. This job consumes our energy. Perhaps, while trying to improve, I've put extra work for them. It's all good, but is it worthy for my subs? I don't want it to be seen as a me-thing. I've always bring them in with decision-makings. Not that I can't do it alone, but I believe I'm here to mentor them. I want them to see what lies beyond, I want them to feel it, I want them to give it all. I just pray to God that they take these as professional development, rather than the feeling of 'finishing her (my) job."

Then there's another part of my life, which I feel so very uncertain. I'm trying to be very positive about it. I am trying and will put my ALL to have it, keep it, and sustain it. I'll do anything for this. I gave up my life if I could or if I should. But I am only human, and God is all knowing. He is putting me to the test, and maybe it's the hardest of all. At times, I feel impatient. A lot lot lot of times, it's painful. It's like a PILL, you took it, it feels so good - GREAT, HEAVEN; but it can kill you if you lose it. It's that TITLE that I've wanted to keep for life. Now, every seconds and in between is a waiting game. I don't know what to expect. It's like a bungee ride. The suspence is killing me. Will I get it? I've done what I think needs to be done. But I don't know if it's enough, may be it's not and never enough. I feel anxious and nervous with every beat of my heart. My brain gets fuzzy most times, and I can feel my heart beating harder every now and then. This TITLE can give you that permanent head damage. It's so near but still far away. I just want it for life. GOD, please Oh God! Give me the strength to keep on trying.

**Sigh**

With all these... I don't know if I can keep up blogging. I've slowed down so much on this front. I think I'll slow down further. Two weeks is good for me for now. Yes, maybe between 2-3 weeks. I love keeping friends up to date. Well, this is an update. I need time to recuperate.

That thing we can't live without...

2008-03-22T08:36:00.007+08:00

Now... I've been thinking in the last few months. We've spent so much on drinking water, drinking bottled water to be exact. In a week, it cost us $13.00. Yes, we drink a lot of water. My baby consumes almost 600ml a day, my other daughters are the same. I consume more. Hubby too. Well, put together everybody in the house consumes a lot. It's far expensive compared to the estimated 50 cubic metre monthly usage at $5.50 (based on our water bill) for sanitation. That is $624 a year minimum of bottled water compared to $66 of tap water.

I spoke to hubby, we've to cut down on this. Not just it's uneconomical, but:
1. No evidence it's healthier than tap water. We're drinking reverse osmosis water with no nutritional value in any sense.
2. It's contained in plastic bottles. That's unfriendly to the environment. The bottles are non-biodegradable. Re-cycling can be costly. Re-using can be toxic for kids. It'd be better to avoid consuming them.
3. It's delivered to supermarkets or mini-marts via dieselled-run lorries/vehicles. Every green endeavors of ours seems futile. Worst if they're produced overseas, shipped or flown aggravates the eco-system.

But, my effort to cut down is not really working. All because we're unsure if it's really the right move. At times we get "muddy water," especially after heavy downpours. At other times we get "milky water." But yes, most times our tap water looks alright. We do have cheap filtration in the kitchen, but we're not that interested to buy those expensive system, we've been highly recommended. We hate sale-pitches, they don't work for us.

I've tried checking on-line if our water is REALLY safe for consumption. I'm concerned for my baby and my young kids. At safewateronline, they rated our water at 4 droplets (highest rating is 5 droplets, Singapore is rated at that level), meaning " Main cities have generally safe water supplies, which are monitored and regularly tested by an independent board, but level of service of rural and small towns systems could be substandard. Prevalence of waterborne diseases is low." But they did indicate "The Water Services Department carries out daily monitoring of water quality produced at the treatment works as well as conducts routine monitoring of water quality at its storage reservoirs and at strategic locations of the distribution system. Both chemical tests and bacteriological tests are conducted to ensure the water supply is within permissible levels. In addition, separate tests are carried out by the Health Department." Sounds assuring, but the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests travelers to bring iodine tablets or portable water purifier to Brunei.

Nothing mentioned in the Ministry of Development's website. We hear them saying it's okay. But can they print that in black and white. I'm still alive. Having drank tap water during my childhood. We didn't even boil the tap water then. But to compare our childhood with our kids' these days is a bit short. We live at a time where the environment (the rivers and lakes) were much much cleaner. Now we got all sorts of things dumped into our water sources.

A friend who's an economist advocated bottled waters (he'd be the one trying to be economical), all because he heard our water is not fit for consumption. I don't know where he got that from. He's also mentioned even after boiling, our water isn't totally safe. Since today's kettle automatically stops as it reaches boiling point. So yes, I'm concern. And, I'm unsure of my next move. To be economical, to be healthy, to be eco-friendly, or to be extremely cautious and safe. Questions I need to answer, and need deep thinking. Or maybe we've fallen into marketers traps. Along with bottle water manufacturers, they are just good at creating wants, which didn't exist.

So, on World Water Day - today, I'm requesting for confirmation by the Department of Water Services in the Public Works Department under the Min. of Development if our water is fit for consumption - especially for babies and young kids. The confirmation will SAVE us a lot. Save our money and our environment.

Saigon

2008-03-21T11:38:00.009+08:00

We got in late on Tuesday night. Hubby e-mailed and called corporate hotels on their list prior to leaving, all fully booked accordingly. We thought, we'd just try our luck. Got a cab, and she took us to a hotel, at US$40 (B$56) a night. We weren't fussy, just wanted somewhere to sleep for the night. Plus, the cabbie was out to cheat us, so we better just okayed the hotel rather than being driven around town looking for the perfect room. We didn't exactly know where we were, but it was near the central market (Ben Tanh). The hotel was livable, but we felt it was still a rip off. So, we browse around the market for hotels the next day, and found a better one at US$2 cheaper. Most of the corporate hotels are by Saigon River, and if you're looking for something posh, they'd be good for you. I think hubby got a surprise; he always took me to luxury hotels, and never thought that I'm okay with 2 stars ones. He doesn't really know me yet. We've only been married for 4 years, and I don't blame him. He didn't know I've stayed in US$10 rooms while in Chonju, Korea once. But I must say, the earlier hotel got better breakfast buffet. I don't take heavy breakfast, so it didn't really matter. But hubby loves bubur with talur masin, and I had to stop him after eating so much of the salted eggs. Cholestrol, I reminded him. Anyway, we were told that we'd be charged 10% tax on top of the rate. When we checked out, they didn't include it. We kept quiet. How unethical can we be, but would you tell them if you were us?

We started the next day going to Ben Tanh Market (see left picture). Got some good deals. All because we were the first customers. They are pretty superstitious. Tip: Go very early in the morning, and bargain like hell. If you're the first they can't let you go without a purchase. Bad luck. Don't worry, you will never go broke. Well, hubby and I didn't really go bonkers at the market, it's nothing compared to Chatuchak (Bangkok). Just got things for the house at really low low low prices. We had a taste of the Department Store in the afternoon (Diamond Plaza), and tried a few local cuisine. Nice. If you like vegetarian and seafood (picture on right). Didn't buy anything at the Plaza, except our kids clothes which were as cheap as in Singapore. Sports attires in Saigon is quite dear, dearer than in Brunei. That's not something you'd like to bring home.

The good thing in Saigon, everywhere is close by. All walking distance. Saves you on transportation. But even if you were to take a cab, it'll cost you the most US$2 to get around. But we didn't bother. It's more interesting to walk around. Of course, its polluted, but at least you are not the one who contributes to that. Went sightseeing after the shopping. Well, we didn't really shop, so our backpacks weren't totally filled up, making it easier to go around. First stop the Presidential Palace, a few hundred metres from the Plaza. Then a few blocks away to the left of the palace was the War Remnant Museum. The Palace didn't look much from the outside, but exploring it inside is worthwhile. Go underground, there are bunkers used during the war as operating rooms. I got goosebumps seeing photos of the war. Nice view of central Saigon from second floor of Presidential Palace (see left picture)

The Presidential Palace - worth an exploration, especially its underground. Pictures gave me goosebumps.

We got 30 minutes left before it closes when we arrived at the War Remnant Museum. Showcasing not just arm artilleries left by the Americans, but the SCARS from the war. Also, hundreds of photos of and from the War and its remnants. My heart sank further and further, and we went speechless as we view more and more pictures. Can't totally describe the emotion we felt. Sad, disheartened, fear, sorrow, wretched, dismayed, anger... all not good. When we finished, we sat down by the entrance stairs to console our feelings. We didn't understand why a lot of people sat down quietly when we first got there. Then we knew. It was too much to absorb. Overwhelming.

Next day, we went for a half day trip to Cu Chi Tunnel. A site you should never miss, if in Saigon they say. Tunnels of the Vietcongs, sprawling for hundreds of metres underground. Amazing structures, and I admire their war skills andstrategies. You wonder less how they won the war, observing their technology , intelligence, and spirit. (Right picture: various booby traps). I was amazed. Somewhat, the experience made you more patriotic.

One entrance to tunnel. So tiny, I didn't attempt to go down. I know I'd get stuck.

Highlights of the trip for us: trying the AK47 (see picture), and the finale - going underground. You have to try the tunnel. The one opened to tourists. It's wider than the other tunnels. If you can't cope with it, there are exists at every 30m. Hubby and I made it till the end. But it was one of the scariest experience of my life. I have tried a few extreme sports, and contemplated caving (spelunking) once upon a time. But considering I am claustrophobic, I ditched the idea (as it may involved crawling and squeezing in tight tunnels). But being in Cu Chi Tunnel, we didn't want to loose the opportunity. At it's entrance, I was a bit daunted. The smell of musty clay, darkness ahead, and thoughts of suffocation, I was tempted to forgo it. But there were plenty of people behind us, it would have been embarrassing to back out. I made sure we were among the first, I didn't want to get stuck behind a lot of people. Too afraid that I wouldn't be able to breath underground. We were behind 8 people, and infront of over 30 people. As we enter, tunnel was wide enough for us to walk. Nope, we ran it - of course bending slightly (see picture on the right hs). I ran not trying to show off but it was SCARY. I didn't want to be left behind, it was TOO DARK. I couldn't see infront. I thought I lost people in front of me, and kept yelling to them of where to go. There were smaller tunnels on the sides, I didn't want to get lost. NO WAY. I heard shouts from the front telling where to go, but weren't sure where they were coming from. Especially when there were tunnels on the side, they seem to come from the smaller tunnels. "Straight.. straight.." I heard them, and I followed on. At some points, I wondered why the guys in front of me kept changing. Their faces were different. I didn't bother. I just wanted to move on and get out of the place. There were exits, but I didn't want to give up yet. But as we went further, the tunnel gets smaller. After certain points, you either have to climb up, or go further down. We started from running (bended) to squatting to finally crawling. When we got out, hubby was far behind, there were two tourists in front of me with the guide. That came as a surprise. I asked them, "where are we?" They said, "I think we made it all the way." We smiled. And felt a lot of relieve. Then I heard, "B, where are you? where are you?" In my fear, I left my husband way behind. So much for the "we're in this together" bit. I shouted into the tunnel, "just go straight.. straight...". "Where, where?" I can hear fear in his voice (and perhaps, sadness, that his wife left him). "Straight, straight." I was a little worried, cause there was a smaller tunnel not far off, but was relieved to see his head bopping out of the tunnel. Few minutes later, there were a few other people. Then it stopped. Outside there were others walking towards us. Those who had given up. In fact out of almost 40 of us, only less than 10 of us made it to the end. It was definitely a scary experience: not knowing where you are going, in the darkness, sometimes alone. I salute the Vietcongs for their bravery. I will never forget Cu Chi Tunnel. Not only it left me admiring the Vietcongs, but got me reflecting and soul-searching. I won't leave my husband again even if I am that afraid.

Squatting point. Light in front indicating an exit point. If you can't take it, go out now.

.... (more later)...

I'm Grateful

2008-03-18T18:40:00.007+08:00

Time flies too fast when you are having a good time. Saigon was great, and I'd highly recommend it. It was a short break for me. I was afraid that I'd lose the momentum with work prior to leaving. Wasn't really that excited to go, at the last minute. Had so much on my desk. Boss didn't want to sign my leave initially, but he gave in. I had had 2 projects with deadline last Tuesday. Handed them over, and that evening I left for Ho Chi Minh feeling a little relieved. Reported back for duty yesterday, I was surprised I had the enthusiasm to work again. I guess seeing the various documents on my desk turned me on. Got a few tasks done. This week is challenging; holiday on thursday, outside meetings tomorrow and saturday, and all day out of the office today meant I could only work on a few things. Trying to get a lot work done I called for a meeting on thursday, only to get e-mails reminding me that it's a holiday. It's funny that I forgotten that, I guessed I had my holiday and was all charged up for the week.

Today was nice, meeting people again, outside of my work environment. It was an interesting seminar, more like a refresher's course for me. I missed most of the afternoon session. In an effort to kill two birds with one stone. I know I won't get the chance to organize further meetings with these people, so I took that opportunity. It's usually difficult to get people to answer phones (they are usually in meetings or otherwise overseas), so why not - if you are in the same building. I had to sort that business of ours soon. This saved time and effort.

Yesterday, I had the chance to say hello to a colleague of mine. I learnt the news prior to leaving last week. He's diagnosed with cancer. It came a bit of a shock to him, let alone us. I didn't expect it that bad, but I've witnessed him over the months losing the weight. He came to my office once telling me he felt sick. But, I was indifferent. I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or trying to evade work. I feel really bad now. I don't know how to apologize to him. I don't know if I should. I'm trying to help where I possibly can, maybe that's my way of apologizing. Yet, it's not subduing my guilt feelings.

He's had his first chemo at RIPAS last week, and thought it was excellent. I agree. We've got great medical facilities, we've got great medical and support teams. Sometimes it's amazing that we forgot how the government spends so much on each of us (as oppose to the yearly budgets) to ensure our health is in great condition. From birth till the end, I suppose. I call this the Medical Life Cylce (MLC), more like the Product Life Cyle (PLC). As we mature, our medical cost gets higher. Even when you're at a decline stage, you need to pump in more funds to get you going further.

Yes, the government has spent maybe tens of thousands (or more?) on me - myself, over my life so far on medical alone. I was born at the old rumah sakit (name?) in Bandar, well, not really. I was born in our neighbour's car. But it's there at that old rumah sakit I got my first jab I think, and tasted government funds. Then over my life, moved from that old place to RIPAS. I had had operations with general anesthetics 3 times now: for growths in various places. One when I was 17, then the other 2 in my 30s. Gosh, I sound so ancient. All benign, I'm grateful to God. I lost an eye due to retinal detachment, the other eye was laser-treated for its retinal tear. Discovered when I was 24. Hence I got bad headaches most times. I'm not supposed to read books or look at computer screens more than 8 hours a day. This aggravates the migraine. I usually forgot that. I'm not supposed to carry heavy objects, afraid that'll affect the tear. Specialists at the labour ward worried my insistence of having natural labours. Both times, I came out fine. Yes, I had 2 au naturalle labours, and spent a few nights prior to and after giving birth at the wards. I had specialist treatments for other things at various stage of my life. Indeed, I've spent a lot of government money to get sorted.

I'm thankful to God, I'm in Brunei. I'm thankful to the government for free medical. I don't know how I'd repay that generosity. I know for a fact I'll give my best on my job. Every sen I earn comes with that mission to ensure those going through me will have a better life. Perhaps, a lot lot lot better life than me. It satisfies me to see that. They have to put their effort too. I can only assist so much.

P.S. I would like to thank everyone at the Ministry of Health then and now, RIPAS and the old Rumah Sakit for taking care of me, all this while. God bless you all. You guys don't know how much you've saved my life since I was born. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.

Holiday...

2008-03-14T20:49:00.004+08:00

Am away on holiday...

It's been great so far. Same same but different. A bit of cultural shock when crossing the busy streets. I've blend in now.

Been visiting. Most times the atmosphere got us emotional. Sometime dumbfounded. Various feelings. They've been enjoyable.

But i miss my kids. Dearly. I need the break, though. From home and work.

Will talk more about this trip when i get home.

Dear neighbour...

2008-03-03T17:48:00.006+08:00

We have a problem when you decide to 'be-unun.' I understand that keeps the mosquitoes away, well... they enter our house instead. The smoke from your unun smells dreadful, and it gives us headaches. Maybe my baby too. She can't speak yet, but she does cry. We really like you as our neighbour, but how we wish you can tone it down, or find alternative means to shoo away those mosquitoes. I hope you'll understand.

Regards,
your neighbour

P.S. Not a threat, but for your kind thought.

Under the Emergency Order 1998 (Penal Code Amendment), Section 278 open burning is punishable with fines up to B$2,000, if causing pollution to the atmosphere.

Minor Offence Act (1972, c 77): under section 6, setting fire to any material to the annoyance to the public is an offence.

(source: http://www.env.gov.bn/link/domestic/case%20studies/national%20haze%20action%20plan%20of%20brunei%20darussalam.htm)

****

I wonder how we be honest and tell our neighbour without causing any ill feelings. I'm asking for help from the Department of Environment, Parks and Recreation along with Radio Television Brunei to remind the public how a nuisance be-unun can be to neighbours and the environment. Tell them too (again), it's punishable by law. If there's evidence of health effect, by all mean bring the Health Department along in the promo team. Please please pretty please.

The things when you're down...

2008-03-03T17:25:00.006+08:00

I've been down, for almost 2 weeks. So were the kids and the hubby. With the daughters' temperatures unstable, there is no opportunity to rest in the nights. Yes, for the last 2 weeks.

Hubby asked how do I do it; being awake every other hour, and still get to work. I really don't know. Do we women have a choice, really? If he had his way, he'd like me to just get the kids to be looked after by the maid in the evening, so I'll have a rest. I'd feel really guilty, if I do. I don't go back for lunch (hardly do), then come home at 5, sometimes later, and expect me to just leave my kids to the maid again in the evening? I can't do that. Well, I tried once. But at 2am, I gave up and took the baby back. I guess it's those things we do as mothers. I'm thankful that my partner appreciates that. I pray to God, that he'd continue to appreciate me, and all the things that go with this marriage.

Oh, okay.... am not just down, but soppy. Defence is too weak. Ain't it funny.

Connecting them

2008-02-15T11:39:00.004+08:00

Maybe I have different views to Local Freakonomic at times, but I read her blog constantly with interest. My respect goes to her enthusiasm.

I am also an addict to chittychat. I cannot not link her. Hope to meet you at Tasek one nice day.

Used and abused

2008-02-14T09:19:00.006+08:00

I had a conversation with my dear friend yesterday lunch. I bcc-ed her an e-mail cc-ed to me, and mentioned the text message I gotten from a boss of another unit in the last few days, which I thought was weird. (Unethical me?)

No, I don't have problems in helping colleagues, if it meant doing good for the organization. But I don't like the style. This person has been doing this for an umpteenth times to me. Many times for ideas on last minute tasks. Never formally, always via text or knocking my door. After a while, I learnt to say no with lots of excuses. Then it stopped.

Out of the blue, recently, there was a business offer suggested by this person. My initial reaction: must be some kind of bait. Then again I thought, why not give this person the benefits of the doubt. Maybe this person is sincere. But I should have trusted my instinct, cause history repeats itself.

What's funny is the way this person approach me with this urgent project. First an e-mail, but not meant for me. I only got a cc. No request for my help at all. Then hours later a phone text message, meaning an unofficial request. I don't understand why not simply write that official e-mail asking for my assistance as well.

I really don't know if I am being used and abused. I'm trying to see people's positive side. But will that mean I am in denial? I hate making judgments, but I can't help it either. My close friends keep telling me to be careful. I am trying. Or am I too soft, too weak?

I can't help reflect. The old man's recent entry (Feb 10th) got me thinking harder. Is it about the recognition that I wont get by helping this colleague of mine making me skeptical of this person's intent. Do I fear this person will get all the credit for the ideas I put forth. I do question my sincerity. If I helped this person, I should be helping the organization; so, why should it matter if I was asked formally, or if I were to work behind the scene? Or am I only human; fighting my way to get to the top of the hierarchy, and become ugly along the way. Time for integrity check.

let's talk about QUALITY education

2008-02-02T10:23:00.001+08:00

I always frequent Local Freakonomics for her views. She has good and interesting ideas, but at times I tend to disagree with her opinion. We are all different, and I accept that. This entry which I had written quite sometime ago is not meant to diss her opinion, but a deepening of her idea. And I quote,

"... And I have also seen many of those who are earning decent monthly incomes, ... cannot even pay their children’s school fees! WHY? Simply because they value their NOWS.

My aunt, who is a headmistress ...told me that there were HUNDREDS of parents who could not pay the school fees. ...

But, think of the consequences. It is not only the child who will be affected by such selfish act. The whole nation will do too! Now, I’m not going to put forward the argument that if you think you can’t afford to pay the private school’s fee, then the children should be sent to the government schools (while education is still free!), because as a parent myself, I know that I want the BEST for my children. But, please I implore, PAY their fees! And I'm also NOT patronising the quality of government's schools. I am after all, a product of one. (Hmm.. perhaps another blog entry for this topic)." Local Freakonomics, Jan 19th

FOA, I'm sorry for her aunt who has a tough time getting parents to pay their kids education in time (or to pay at all?). Yet, I am not totally concerned about the 'inability to pay'. There is no statistical evidence to indicate this being a phenomenal problem. I stand to be corrected. Significant or not, I agree that it'd be patronizing to tell parents not to send their kids to what they perceived as the 'BEST' (early childhood) education. It would not be right anyway, even if it's the best of intention.

I'm one of those parents who send their kids to private education provider. My eldest to a school on Jangsak, known for its students' academic achievements. Honestly, I am unsure if it's the school, or the students, really. I am happy to say, over the last 6-7 years of her schooling, she has kept at the top cohort of her class. Receiving awards, which I hope she will keep getting. It will make life a lot easier, we insisted to her. But her citizenship has been in question, for last year's nomination. So, even nominated at a school level, she was not considered at the national level. She did the year before, though. I don't know how that happened, they must have overlooked it. But, I'm glad she received it that year. It inspired her to work harder. We are still trying our best to get her citizenship sorted. We have been since the last 2 years. We hope it'll be finalized soon. I know the Youth and Welfare Department, and the National Registration and Immigration Department are assisting us on this matter, and they have been very helpful. The process is now stuck at the Syariah High Court, I don't know for how long. We thought it was sorted, the last time we went to court, over 2 months ago. Unfortunately, we were wrong. It's pretty taxing with all the bureaucracy. We are tired, but we can't stop. She is our child. Ah, policy, we just have to understand and accept it(?).

Then, my 3 year old, she is in a Montessori system in Telanai. A cheaper and a closer alternative, to an international school I favour in Berakas. We think it is perfect for her for now. My only concern is that this system let the child develops at her own pace. It's good, but I am not sure if that means she wouldn't be competitive. I don't want her to fall behind. But accordingly, the system somehow works on this aspect through mixing kids of various age group so the younger children learn from the elder group in their class. Then again, I remember Dato Timothy Ong mentioning how Finnish kids only started schooling at 7, and still that nation is one of the top economies in the world. I bought into that idea. So, we're not going to push my child, we'll let her develop first. We'll wait and see. We have some years before 'pressuring' her to excel. Haha.

I digress. We were talking about how we tend to send our kids to private education. Some 'sacrifices' so their kids will get the BEST education. I think all right minded parents would do so. Perhaps, some of these right-minds ceased to function when they stop paying for their education and purchasing 'luxuries' instead. But, I refuse to make judgment. I don't know for certain whether the reason for their kids expulsion were because they prioritize their cars or luxuries over their kids education. It may be logical to say so, but we are living in a complex world. Could the car be more important to them as a form of transportation, after all they know their kids education have an alternative - i.e. by going to public schools. I'm not defending those who aren't paying. I just don't want to be judgmental on this. And no, Alhamdulillah, we've never been in such situations so far.

Of course, we should question parents' ethicality if they use educational allowance to pay for their car instead. But the educational allowance of B$120 per child is claimable only if the child is 6 years old and above, I think. Or is it 5? My assumption comes from the new Compulsory Education Order, which mentions a child needs to be in school from age 6. Bear in mind, many kids go to school as early as 2 and half, meaning parents have to fork out from their own finance. They need NOT send their kids to school, but many have no choice as 1. both parents work, and 2. many grandparents are now not willing to mind their grandkids anymore (many grandparents are much much older these days); 3. some parents thinking it would be cheaper to send their child than to get a nanny or amah; 4. the amahs have younger kids/babies to take care of, and parents felt much at ease to send their other kids to schools (which is in my case).

Anyway, I'm not going into a debate on what parents should and shouldn't do. Or argue for them. Certainly, they need to pay if they've sent their kids to school, after all a debt is a debt. But my concern is not on their inability to pay, but a more pressing matter than that. That is our perception of government-provided education.

Like LF, I myself was educated in public schools, Sekolah rendah, Prep School, then to College. Afterwards, I pursued my tertiary educations, all in the UK. I am thankful to the government for the education I received, the great teachers who taught me, the allowances I received, and all. It's perplexing to not appreciate this public education that took me to where I am today, and to pass onto my kids. Many of us and yes, there are really many of us, who had had public education and are 'successful', are all - well almost, sending our kids to private education, and what is perceived as BEST education.

So, why do we all think that BEST education is not government-provided education? Why are we the products of public education ourselves, have no or little confidence over it? After all, we know for a fact 1. we are all okay, and 2. there is huge government investment in education. In the previous NDP, an amount of B$507m was invested, and over B$800m is to be spent on developing education in the current NDP (source: Brunei Darussalam Long-Term Development Plan). In fact spending on education is among the highest allocated between sectors. Considering the colossal spending on focusing this particular human development and a considerable amount to be spent on buildings, classrooms and labs, as well as training systems (though I didn't manage to see any breakdown on specificities, including specific fractions on primary education), I do believe the government is pushing to improve on better education system in the country. If that means quality education, then perhaps so.

As far as I am concern, quality in education is hard to define. I suppose it all comes down to expectations. We as parents have all different expectations. In fact, my expectations even differ between my children. We are sending one to a mainstream private school, and another to a Montessori system. For me then, quality is not just about syllabus, pedagogy, but also availability of choices to suit the personality and prospect of my child, i.e. it's environment. No, I can't expect the government to provide for ALL, but then again, it would be interesting. My observation is that at the end of the day, the government is keen to have 'educated' citizens, able to perform at a particular standard. Beyond that standard, it's a plus, but not paramount. There is nothing wrong with that. But that's really the issue. Quality to us is about 'beyond the expected value of performance' or 'exceeding expectations'.

If we think about it, that's what private educators are selling. A syllabus a little richer than public education. A training style a little different than that of public education. Trainers who seem to differ than those in public schools. Maybe, these are not really needed. Yet, to the public, getting the extras are perceived as better value aka quality. Perhaps why, in 2006, 25,234 went to private preschool and primaries, compared to 33,564 students who went to public schools of the same level. Equivalent to a 40:60 ratio. Almost equal but not quite.

Anyway, I don't know if any portion of that government spending on education includes spending for private education (exclude the allowance), that 40:60 ratio is alarming. Assuming the figures are the same today, it indicates the citizens obvious LACK of TRUST on government-provided education. That's a huge amount of money invested to creating 'quality education' but never perceived so by the public. That 40% and not less that went to private, and perhaps another extra from the 60% that didn't have a choice but stick to public education, are expecting for a lot lot better education. Or did we all jump into the bandwagon, believing the grass is greener on the other side? We all heard terrible stories of public education. They could just be hyped up.

But consider this, that 40% also means extra monies spending on private childhood education for parents rather than saving for future (private) tertiary education. Bear in mind, the amount reimbursed is only B$120 per child, but each child in private education had to be paid a little more than that, depending on which school they go to and which level.

The ministry really needs to sell to us that government schools are of the same quality or more. Unless if the intention is to develop more private schools and provide teaching employment to our teaching graduates (with better salaries?) and any knock on effects on the economy (school supplies, bookshops, textiles and tailoring, and I don't know what else cause I'm no economist). But the latter would beat the purpose of providing education for all. Because it will then become education for the able few. Any sociologist (like my dear friend - who gave me beautiful chilli oil yesterday - thanks babe!) would shout a no! if education were privatized. Education should be a privilege or a right to everyone. I second that.

No, I'm not blaming the government for the choice people make (to attend private or public schools). But, those figures tell it all. It's a shame if we let it be. I'm asking the ministry to convince me (to send my kids to public school). It's a helping process to rebuild the image of our education. If the 40% are sticking to their opinion, at least do it for those 60%. Make them prouder.

The ministry needs to talk to parents to understand what they define quality education as, and their expectations. Survey those mainstream private schoolers' parents on why they send their kids there, and what their perception of public education are. The ministry needs to provide us with accessible statistics (on-line?) on achievements of those from public education system (at primary levels) and compared that with private schools. It'll help us to truly decide where we should send our kids to. The question is, is it true that private schoolers performed better than public schoolers? Cause we are swayed towards sending kids to better performing schools. What if they do perform better? Well, emulate and work harder to exceed. It's not easy. There are confounding factors beyond the control of the ministry, e.g. students' intellect.

One thing I learnt is that my nieces who are in public schools are performing as well as my eldest. Their only weakness compared to my eldest is in the English language. My eldest speaks better, and fluent. My nieces are also shy to speak the language. I don't see any differences in knowledge appreciation with other subjects. So, if there was I believe it's mainly due to individual intellect and ability. So to say, private schools are better, I am still unsure. I must admit that my eldest syllabus are a little more advance than those of my nieces. Maybe she's a little more inquisitive, but then again she's been watching Playhouse Disney and the like all her life, and I won't credit the school for that. I do believe my daughter is smart and sharp, thus I'm not totally convince it's her school. Cause what I know, there are parents having problems with their kids performance. I've spoken to her classmates' parent who contemplates on sending their other kids to other schools. So I figure, if parents are thinking of looking for other private schools, the opportunity of public schools to rise again is there.

Then again, why am I not sending my 3 y.o to public school? 1. She is too young to go to public school, and she is at a disadvantage if she joins public pre-school due to her being born in the later months of the year. 2. I prefer my child to be able to speak English fluently. I need her to get that basic. 3. I'm unsure if the primary school in my area has the right environment for my child, and as good as where my nieces are attending. I'd like some convincing in terms of accessible stats on the school's performance, and other profiles of the school. I'd rather not go to the school, and perhaps 'insult' the headmaster along the way by asking him that.

In other words, I could be persuaded. I believe many will be too. If our expectations are considered and taken, and if our expectations are delivered. I know the ministry cannot pleased everyone, but it's worth a try. That 40% and another extra hidden, and a fraction of that B$800plus million (for primary education), are worthy of trying to persuade us parents to send our kids to public education. I know for a fact we have good education. Because, I turned out okay. Many of my friends too. Mine began 31 years ago. So, 31 years on - there must have been some incredible development. Just make us believe it once again.

Simultaneously, hopefully we wont have to expel students from private schools, and we'll relieve principals from that quandary. Instead, maybe the principals will have to work extra hard and invest more in trying to get back the students they'll lose. We will be back to saving for our kids tertiary education, we wont have parents with debts. We wont have worried parents that their kids are behind their private-educated peers, cause they are simply the same. We wont have to differentiate between schools, because everywhere it's BEST education. How ideal is that. Until we get another cycle, where one dominates the other. Square one, then it would be. Until that time, it's time for the ministry to tell us that we have been wrong. That we shouldn't worry about our kids future, cause the education they provide is of quality.

MIA...

2008-02-02T09:43:00.001+08:00

Gosh... it's been almost 2 weeks since I last blog, I think. Like I said in my previous entry, I have been utterly busy. I just couldn't stop to type anything in here. In fact, I'm squeezing my time now to try and put something in. I'm attempting to finish deadlines, and almost all are urgent that needed to be done by this weekend.

Those meetings I've been going to in the previous week have been amazing.

Met new faces, well, not exactly. They are people, known people, that I've always wanted to sit down with. Opportunity arisen, I took them. The ice has been broken, the only thing now is to focus on chiseling the rapport. Simply put, it's good business sense.

I didn't exactly plan to meeting old friends too, but it happened. Local and foreign. People I associated with during my first degree years. Not a reunion at all. It just happened. I guess the right time and the right place. Amazing that they have not change, physically. Mentally, they are a lot more mature, a lot more confident, and have been quite successful. I suppose, we have been. It all comes down to how you define success.

I may have been Missing In Action here, but it has been a fruitful 2 weeks. I look forward to more MIB in the next weeks ...months to be exact. I'll try and manage my time, so I can have some time for blogging again.

MIB...

2008-01-24T07:34:00.001+08:00

Uhuh, Meeting Inda Beranti. A week passed, and busy has been and is my middle name. This entry is a definite short one, cause.. no I haven't showered and yes, 2 meetings set for this morning, and 1 in the afternoon.

Ooh. Got to go ... will definitely come back later to complete my entry.

And so we want to be REAL

2008-01-16T08:59:00.000+08:00

We are fakes all this while. Our livelihoods have all been subsidized. Rice, electricity, water, medical, education and fuel. The fake rich, are we really?

Let me see. This house: 3 young kids, 1 amah, and us two. Oh no, this amah is leaving next month; in her place, another helper and a driver coming in.

Three cars; one is mine - a good-brand; 2 of his - 1 high-branded and 1 - generic. Oh, I forgot, we just bought another 1 two days ago, got the number we like (NOT tendered at all), out tomorrow maybe. Not a luxury brand, it's Korean. Safe and spacious for our growing family.

Then we've just told our pool constructor to re-do the plan, "splash pool for the kids, on top of the lap pool." Then the landscaping and the bla bla bla.

Furnitures in the house: one or two da vincis, scan teak woods, pine woods, lorenzos, etc.

Electrical goods: large screen TVs, (non-alcoholic) wine chiller, kitchen items all Kenwoods. PS2, WII, yah, we've got them.

Now you think I'm showing off? Bl**dy 'ell. I'm not. You are missing my point.

You think we're trying to copycat the lives of those hollywoodians? Gosh, you don't know nothing. Crap analysis, you did.

Let me put this to you. At least one. Some of us are into 'VALUE', but you mistaken it for 'LUXURY.' But if it's luxury, why not? Why can't we enjoy them? We've work hard all our lives and a little luxury is alright.

And you say, we should be tight with money. For what? We're not bringing them into our graves. Ahh, for our kids? Come on lah! I thought you are the one who says our kids are spoilt, we should change the new generations' mindset. They should not be spoon fed. ya di yadi yaa.

Yes, we have kept some for the kids' education. We're keeping some for when we become empty-nesters. But that's it. To pass it to their next generation, I'm sorry, the kids have to do that themselves. We both agree. If we had work hard to give them some luxuries today, and perhaps spoilt them along the way. They got to get it in their heads that to keep up living this way, they need to work hard, may be harder than us. We are giving them the education now they require to achieve that in the future. Our parents gave us education only. So, tough.

Sounds selfish? I think a little less selfish and hypocritical than some of you supporting the idea of abrupt petrol price hike. Take away the luxury you get; in-service training schemes, government paid domestic helpers, whatever extra allowances you got, and claiming every little cents when you can claim, I'm sorry you are the FAKE one. You are the true myopic.

Wake up. You think we Bruneians live in LUXURY. Go get a pair of binoculars. Drive along the road, and open your eyes wide. Tell me what you see. So, please lah. Get REAL.

Got to get my facts right

2008-01-14T17:30:00.000+08:00

1. Tasek lama is not under the control of Forestry Department. The Department of Environment takes care of Tasek.

2. Our speed last night was not 70km/hr. It was 85km/hr.

We hit and run...

2008-01-14T08:26:00.000+08:00

I feel less of a human being last night. I don't know how to lessen my guilt.

Perhaps, I could make a difference. Only if I had followed my heart and not just my logics. I'm embarrassed to talk about it, but I think I should shame myself as a punishment. I deserve it. Or we deserve it.

We went to Supasave Gadong last night to buy groceries, we very hardly do. Not in the evenings. Not there. It's too way out from our Casa de la Armonia. I don't know why we decided to go there. May be it was meant to be. Or may be it was a test.

Heading back via Jangsak, it was all smooth but a pretty busy road at that time. Hubby was driving, and kept to a speed of 70km/hr. A little fast, but not an unusual speed on that road. We kept to the right lane. We were talking at the same time, I don't remember what now. Perhaps discussing on the possible petrol price hike, or just our stagnant economy in general.

Out of a sudden, we saw a cat crossing. We couldn't halt, there was a car behind us. We couldn't swerve to the side, there was a car on the left. Hubby maneuvered to evade the cat. Cat panicked ran straight into the car. ...

We went on, we didn't stop. We didn't attempt to. We panicked. We didn't know what to do. My 3 y.o who saw what happened asked if the cat's dead. We assumed it was. Hubby told her, "that's what happen if you cross a busy road. So, don't ever."

I was speechless. I just hugged my child. But I couldn't help wonder if we should do a u-turn to check on the cat. Is it truly dead? Can we save it? Can we take it to a vet? But would it make a difference?

Yes, it would have. May be not to the cat. May be the cat would die eventually. It was a hard knock. But had we turn back, had we decide to attempt to save the dying cat, we would have given our 3 y.o a great lesson about moral, about compassion, about kindness, about being HUMAN. But we did not.

We were'nt only inhumane but we failed to be good parents last night. We should have shown good example, but we didn't. I can't justify our behaviour.

Dear Cat, I'm truly sorry for us.
Dear Owner, I'm truly sorry for us.
Dear Daughters, I'm truly sorry for us.
Dear Dad and Mum, I'm truly sorry for us.
Dear Friends, I'm truly sorry for us.
Dear People, I'm truly sorry for us.
Dear Prophet, I'm truly sorry for us.

Dear God, I'm truly sorry for us;
Please forgive us, have mercy on us.

"QaddarAllahu wamaa shaa a fa'al"
(Allah has ordained it, and whatever He wills, He does)

And I retract....

2008-01-13T11:07:00.000+08:00

I went back to Tasek this morning. Mainly to give my body another challenge. The last hill, they say, is steeper than the 9th hill of Shahbandar. Also to figure what happened last week, I needed to know why and how I got lost.

This time I didn't go alone.

I was astonished to see the flight of stairs going downhill on the right, which took us back to the starting point of the trail. I didn't see it last week. The trail is visible with ropes down on both sides. A small bench 2 metres before the 'turning point' acts as the indicator. The bench is a resting point for those having taken the opposite direction. It is a steep climb, down or up.

I must have subconsciously panicked last week when I lost my 'marker.' In trying to catch up with him, I ran the trail as fast as I could. I have this fear of forest; and when I didn't see anyone in sight, I must have focused my vision on the track and not elsewhere. Between running and 'tunnel visioning', I missed that turning point.

I know the direction now. But having gone through the trail this morning, I wouldn't attempt it alone. It's a beautiful route: rock formations, serene forest and when you reach the bottom it feels like you're walking inside a cocoon but that made out of bamboo. Beautiful scenery. Though, the 'valley' is deep; not advisable for women to go on their own. Unless you are extremely fit, and you surely can outrun a wild boar.

The last uphill did challenge my unfit heart. The work out turned anaerobic, and I had to stop a couple of times. But I thoroughly enjoyed it. I must thank the forestry department, the park authorities, in making this place accessible to us the public. STILL, I would suggest them to put coloured and visible labels for directions.

Selamat Tahun Baru Hijrah 1429

2008-01-11T12:25:00.000+08:00

Wishing everyone a happy Maal Hijrah.

In 359 days we'll be celebrating another hijrah. It'd twice in 2008. But there'd be 4 new years in 2008, including the Chinese new year. I don't know of other news years.

Enjoy celebrating them.

THE beehive

2008-01-11T11:42:00.000+08:00

I'm linking a very good old friend of mine. Never knew that the Emma blog people talk about is the Emma I know well. I can be that oblivious. I just happened to read hers this morning. It's been a great while since we really sat down together; to have coffee, to party or to just have absolute fun. I can see she still does, at least that GBN 2007. Ofcourse, she's now having more fun with her mimi*.

Aah, the good old days. Emma, I miss you woman!

You take care, love.

* what a coincidence, we call our 6 m.o mimi too.

Lost in the early 2008

2008-01-11T07:14:00.000+08:00

Almost 2 weeks, and a day in, of the two new years. Many things happened, nice and weird.

A glorious day for my running shoes after 16 months break

I started running, well, jogging again just before 2008. Initially 1 km, then 2, and now almost 3km. I started climbing again. First hill of Shahbandar, and down. Then, after reading chitty-chatty and the old man's blog, we thought to give Tasek Lama a try. Tasek Lama sounded gentler than Shahbandar to me.

We've been to Tasek on sundays this last three weeks. Hubby has gone uphill for the third time. In the last 2 sundays, I didn't get the chance. The daughter was always with me. This time she over-slept. So I took the opportunity to work extra hard.

Being fitter hubby legged it first, but waited at the top. "Just follow the track, it's a loop and you'll get back here in no time." Not a problem. It looked an easy path, I saw clearings on the opposite hills. The forest didn't look as dense as Shahbandar, wouldn't be scary to go alone I thought.

3 guys behind me, but I let them through after a while. I knew they were much fitter. I overheard one of them has just recently started his bid to lose weight. Ah, just like me. He was my marker. If he's not that fit, he'd not be far out in front. I didn't see anyone behind, so I needed to stay close to him. Not too close, or he'd think I was after him. Uphill we went and he reached the top. I was 10 metres behind. I stopped for a few second to take a breather. I moved on. "Now, where's that guy?" I asked myself. He was no where in sight. Must have been further in front. I ran it, keeping to the track. A little faster, still no one around. Hmm. I must have underestimated his fitness. Nevermind. I'll just keep on moving. I bumped into a family from the opposite direction. I felt a little relieve believing I would be close by to the starting point. Yet perhaps 5 minutes later, I was still nowhere close to that tree with the ladder. So close yet so far away, I began to wonder.

I walked further, but only to realize I was really 'lost'. At one clearing point I saw at the distant the beautiful SOAS mosque was far on my right rather than infront. I started to worry if I had gone off too far out into Subok. But I stayed on the track. If there's a track it'll bring me back to civilisation - helding onto the advice from Man vs Wild. I kept my bearing, I know Bandar Seri Begawan was on my left, should the track finishes. The track took me to a sub-station; I was afraid that will be it. I went around hoping there'd be a road in front. Lucky me, I found human sitting down and resting after a work out.

"Where am I? I came in from Tasek, I'm not in Kota Batu, am I?", I asked with the hope that I would be at least not far off Subok considering the short time I took. "No, you're not. You are in Sheraton. You can go back in and get back to Tasek, or go down hill and Sheraton is on your left hand side." I was so very relieved, I wasn't far after all. Still I needed to contact my husband who could have panicked and called for a search party. That would be embarrassing.

Ran downhill, asking the few people I saw if they had a handphone. None of them had. I went into Terrace Hotel, and saw a local lady infront of the lobby. Told her of my problem and asked to text my hubby for me. She looked weary and must have thought I was out to steal her handphone. Bless her. But she did text. Thank you once again, miss. Then off I ran-and-walked back to Tasek. I must have not been gone for long - no commotion, no search party.

Alhamdulillah.

We've been hearing how people could get lost trail-tracking in the woods. But it never occurred to me that I'd be one of them. We almost got lost in Shahbandar once, despite having been there for the umpteenth times. I guess I didn't learn from that experience. I dared myself with Tasek; the first hill was challenging but the clear path makes it less spooky than the first hill in Shahbandar, which was quieter and sandwiched between a ridge and dense forest. Shahbandar forever looks creepy to me.

I will still go there this sunday. Yes, Tasek. Only when I get fitter, I'd head back to my favourite 9 Shahbandar hills.

I just hope the Forestry Department will put up better signs up there (Shahbandar, Tasek, Berakas, etc) so we all, new and frequent, would know our paths and directions. It's forest, we CAN get confused. On a normal day, it may be easier to find our way out. But the weather is unpredictable these days. If you are lost, and it suddenly rains (heavily), God knows where you'd end up.

I also think that we should have emergency phones to contact the parks' office the least or to an emergency number. Anything can happen. You can get lost; you can sprain your ankle; you can get bitten by bees. Anything. Even Ryan Shay, elite runner, succumbed on a trial marathon run. Anything can just happen.

So, let's be prepared for ANY thing.

The end is just the beginning

2007-12-31T07:52:00.000+08:00

It wouldn't be right to end the new year without any post from me. And it wouldn't be great to simply say 'Goodbye 2007, and Welcome 2008'. It would be boring to publish my reminisce of 2007, cause everyone would just be doing that. It's not me to follow trends. But then I did blog, didn't I? Err...

*blank*

*flutter into friends blogs* (What! I've been tagged!)

*thinking again*

Now, it'll be a busy week this new year. It had been, last week. We are preparing for a big event next week. I'd love to post our flyer in here, but if I did, I'd give away my identity. I know some people may have guessed me already. Keep that to yourselves.

Last thursday, I had a last minute task of writing answer scripts for a TV appearance of a colleague. But they started questioning her other than those cued after a while. I received an e-mail from her, apologizing and saying she didn't do well. I told her it's alright, it's not easy being on camera live. I remember being interviewed live for another similar event 4 years back. To kill time, the TV host started questioning on things I didn't know much about. Lucky, I can be a great bluffer.

Now, my bluff wouldn't help next week. I'd be on 'live' in the morning, the last person. No chance to bluff. It would be interesting to try to. Dare and be ready to hear whispers saying "no substance" in the background and then on. I can't have that. When it comes to my work, everything is a 'break or make.' No compromise.

In my line of work, it looks pretty easy. But actually, it's mean. Yes, it's a mean world. You want to be accepted, you need to belong, otherwise you are a NO body. Many times, there are abuses and cheatings; other times those urging for ethics, are themselves questionable. Plenty of back stabbings. Rumour has it that I'd be a bi*ch one day, and there'd be nasty competitions between myself and two others. There is a sense of truth in the competition bit, but not the nastiness as they've expected. I have respect for the other two; they've earned whatever achievements or awards they've received. I know they respect me too. For somebody who's yet to get to their level, they've attested to seeing me as their rivals. That sounds incredible to me.

I still have a little while to go where they are. This time I'm not going to haste it. Circumstances have slowed it down, but not meaning I can't wind up my effort. My 'divorce' with my work partner recently was unexpected and un-amicable. We parted on bitterness on both sides, bitterness from distrust and backstab. Communication was futile. But, it's not the end of the project. Cause somebody else has proposed to re-marry.

Highlight of the year: Risking it all resulting with MEND-able disappointment.
Learning point of the year: To take PRIDE of every actions I've made. Cause I tried my BEST.

Happy New Year 2008 to everyone. Have a good one.

Unwrapping day

2007-12-26T07:37:00.001+08:00

Dear Great friends: Sarah, liz, Elena, Yvonne, Natalia, Therese, Ben, Henry and Simon,

I hope yesterday was a great X-mas to you all; wish I was there to enjoy the roast (I miss your vegetarian dishes too, Yvonne). Have a great day today unwrapping those gifts. Happy Boxing Day.

Missing you all.

xxx000xxx

You gotta be bad, bold, wiser, hard, tough, stronger, cool, calm and stay together

2007-12-26T07:15:00.000+08:00

It's been a busy week; reflecting, following up, option hunting, and braving the days. After much thoughts of what happened on thursday, it came out to be the best 'incident'. There are too many plus(es) far outweighing the minus from the so-called setback. God knows best, I know I'll get there somehow, and maybe not sooner than I anticipated. I know I did my Best. Maybe not the BESTest; I'll just have to push harder, and keep on moving. Cause:

"...don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
the world keeps on spinning
you can't stop it, if you try to
this time it's danger staring you in the face..."
(Desree's: You gotta be)

After all LIFE IS OH! SO BEAUTIFUL!

Bring it on!

2007-12-21T07:02:00.000+08:00

I received an e-mail yesterday, dated the day before. It was something I wasn't prepared to read and the news is not something I wanted to hear. I have always been very confident, but deep in me there's always the fear that this could happened. It did.

You get punched on the face, what happened, and what do you do?

You fall back a step... or a lot of steps... or worst, you fall down. Then, with all the agony, you get up, you stand tall, and you hit back with whatever energy left in you.

Never take it lying down. Never give up, never surrender.

This is a SETBACK, it's not a FA*LURE. Bring it on.

A quick note

2007-12-20T09:15:00.000+08:00

Dieting is not in the diary today. Off to mum & dad's this morning for Raya; then to the in-laws in the afternoon. Food galore! Nasi minyak, ayam massala, pulut panggang... name it. Teh tarik, yummy!

Eid has always been the good excuse to binge-eating. And socialising. Work is put off for the day, another great excuse to procrastinating. Ah, beautiful day.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL ADHA!

May God bless our rezeki and achievements on this joyful day.

They bloody SUCK!

2007-12-18T17:45:00.000+08:00

The Agents. No, not secret agents. But yes, these agents I'm talking about do work in clandestine. They have a 'license to kill' you with their demands.

If I was not leaving soon and had my parents weren't busy, I would not need the service of domestic helpers anymore. I wouldn't want to support the breaching on human rights, the exorbitant, incumbent and non-sense fee asked by The agents. I hate the thought that I am a part of the equation. So does my other half. It looks like we don't have any choice at the moment. So, in the last few weeks we have been shopping for bio-data from a few agents recommended.

On average this is their fee and their requirement:

B$800 for a couple
The helpers would need to pay back B$1000 to B$1200 per person when they arrived, meaning their salary to be deducted between 5 to 6 months

The B$800 fee entail:

recruitment and selection service
Immigration processing: Visa, employment pass and smart card
Labour Department processing: Resgistering them under your license, contract agreement
Return transportation (Indon-Brunei): via land
Health check up upon arrival: blood and x-ray
3 months guarantee: process and returning of employees and replacement
End of contract process: transfer, extension or return

The B$1000-12000 fee payable by workers include:

recruitment and placement service
issuance of Indonesian passport
visa processing at Brunei Embassy in Jakarta
Health check up prior to travel in Jakarta (approved by Brunei Embassy)
Transportation to Brunei
Full boarding and insurance at holding centres in Jakarta and training
Other miscellaneous (taxes, etc)

The service list sounded a lot, but really its over-rated. The fee is overpriced. I know cause it caused me no more than B$650 all-in-all last time by doing it by ourselves. My parents did it for us while they were on holiday in Jakarta the last time, 3 years back. That B$650 include flight fare coming to Brunei! Even taking inflation into account, the total amount of B$2000 in the pockets of the foreign agents and Brunei agents are way overboard.

You see, the recruitment and selection processes don't really exist. There are an abundant number of people registering to get jobs in (legal and illegal) employment agencies in Indonesia. Young and old, name it you got it. Then, we have the Immigration and Labour department under one roof here in Brunei, where things can be done simultaneously. Then that return transport via land really doesn't cost much. It's double charging anyway considering the migrant workers are charged on transportation too. Thus, even after considering time, effort, queueing and petrol, we are OVERCHARGED.

The poor migrant workers are totally EXPLOITED pre-departure. The fees are excessive, it's bloodsucking! It cost about B$50 to issue an Indonesian passport and should take less than a week. But these agents are asking for B$150 the least. Not just profiting, but that includes bribing the Immigration officials to speed up the process. Otherwise, the issuing takes longer than 7 days. Visa and health check up in Jakarta can be done in a couple of days and cost between B$100-150 if I am not mistaken. The travel via land to Brunei which has been paid by the employer is incorporated again. Full boarding in Jakarta and en-transit is way overcharged. The agency would keep the workers for longer at the holding centres and the poor workers would have to pay these extras. They claimed to train these workers, but that's questionable. I don't know what other miscellaneous fees they've to pay, but we know the workers would have to pay for any interest from borrowing either with the agents or from other people.

Having said the above, we are still parting our B$800 to the agent here. Having said that, we still let the agents take the workers 5-6 months salary. It feels hypocritical, while we know that we have the POWER to stop this exploitation. If we don't give our money, we might stop the misuse.

It's a catch 22 situation. We are sending our 3 year old to school next year, but it's the baby we are worried about. I don't have a solution except to hold off my intention to go. We've discussed this, he said I should go. it's only a year. A little selfish I feel but it's for our future.

So where is my stance on the exploitation on 'human trafficking.' I'm being two-faced, but let's STOP this. I am calling for Brunei authorities to regulate the handling of recruitment and employment agencies in Brunei. A law is required not just to put a control on the fees and to guide their services; but to monitor the handling of labourers pre-departure and on transit, which shall be accountable to the agents here. I know the agencies overseas are in control prior to reaching Brunei, but without the monetary incentives from Brunei agencies and demand from us, these bloodsuckers can't operate. If we are stringent on our agencies, they will expect the same with their overseas counterparts. We have to ensure that our agencies here are dealing with LEGAL agencies overseas too. Legal agencies in Indonesia I believe are being monitored by their authorities. Perhaps, the workers will be treated more humanely by them. So, if we put pressure on our agents, and the agents will pressurized their counterparts. That will somehow push the Indonesian Authorities to work harder to enforce protection of their migrating workers. After all, these migrant workers contribute to the huge fraction of invisible earnings.

Now why bother? Cause every of that BRUNEI $$$ should be used for humane cause. We BRUNEIANS should NOT become the prey of these illegal human traffickers. BRUNEI should also be FREE of upset, depressed and dysfunctional oversea workers. And any after effects of violations and abuse of migrating workers. Most of all, we are a caring society.

Outpouring love under one roof

2007-12-17T11:12:00.000+08:00

It was beautiful. The scene was magical. Forever to be cherished. There was SO much love and emotion under that roof. Outpouring and contagious. No words can express that moment. Families in their own circles embracing one another; parents and children uttering loves, expectations and promises. Teardrops of absolution and repentance - teardrops of fathers, of mothers and of children. All in the hope of a new beginning. New lives for each and one of those children, as well as their families.

Even if you were an observer, you won't escape the emotion. There was too much energy (of love) under that roof. Incredible and amazing. Echoes of "La llaha illalah, Muhammadar rasulullah" were heard in the background, inducing forgiveness and affection.

That moment marked the end of the Summer Camp: Motivasi Jati Diri, organized by OGDC and AKRAB. We were told that one quit the night before. In the end, there were 243 'survivors' including my eldest daughter from that camp. Over 100 families assembled under the BIG TOP for that closing, and were witnesses to that LOVE session.

I am extremely proud she survived the camp.

(image source: http://www.bsp.com.bn/ogdc/)

When we sent her there on friday morning, we were worried that she wouldn't be able to handle the programme. Starting her days at the camp at 4:30 am is unusual for her. Unusual for a girl coming 9, I believe. Sharing a plate among sisters has been almost impossible at home. Eating 'just basic food' sounded alarming too. We were scared she would not survived it.

But that was the idea. To get her to understand the extreme; conditions she had NEVER experienced before.

Yes, everything was basic. Nothing fancy this camp, and nothing like previous camps organized by OGDC. They don't call it the survival camp, but it has that in essence. Campers before this enjoy buffet food. This time, no buffet. You share your plate of plain rice and one piece of everything else just enough for everyone on a large plate with three or four other campers. No top ups, no desert.

(image source: http://iskandarworld.blogspot.com/)

You stay in a huge tent; sleeping on the ground and close to each other. HOT is what you should feel over the 3 days and 2 nights. Complaint, you should not; cause everything is a test - The test to Robustness.

The mission was on character building, that is to creating excellent Bruneians with great morality. The emphasis was on LOVE; love towards God, love towards The Prophet, love towards Parents, love towards Ummah and love towards Excellence, while reinforcing they are the BEST! BEST! BEST!

With the five jum'ah salat obligatory to all campers preceded with a series of religious (motivational) talks during the camp, some may chose to call it the Da'wah camp. So, it is not the conventional camps.

One day out of the camp, I am impressed on my eldest change of behaviour. A lot lot more loving to her younger sisters, is listening, and there has been NO whining. There was no left over on her plate this lunch. She wasn't hungry. She has learned to appreciate every grain of rice put on the table for her. So far so good.

We didnot send her to that camp because she was a problem child. All teens go through a rebellious stage, and shout for independence every moment of time. We sent her:

So she would become a better person than she was before: A better daughter, a better sister, a better student, a better Bruneian - not just better, but the BEST...BEST...BEST!
So she would be ready for the unpredictable future
So she would learn how to become a great leader, and a follower
So, she knows why love, how to love, when to love, what to love, and where not to love.

It was a tiring weekend, having to go back and forth to Seria. But all worth it. Because of LOVE.

Note. She would like to join the camp again she says. Inda jara kali ah. How great is that! Best... best... best!

P.S. I'm searching for pics momenting the LOVE session on Brunei blogosphere. If you happen to have one, share please. Gracias.

It's not right but it's okay

2007-12-12T11:12:00.000+08:00

That's what the boss said yesterday. "It's unethical but she's smart enough not to register", when in fact she had to. The way I see it, she has breached her contract. And, by saying that, he's condoning it. OK, there is a loophole somewhere in the contract; but by that statement, the boss is undermining the project; a project under his own umbrella. How ridiculous is that?

You see, we've got this client. One of many. This particular project of ours involves all clients to sign a contract prior to joining. Once signed, you can't withdraw and you'll have to take the repercussions. I didn't draft the contract, it was passed on to me from previous bosses. This time I'm the boss. I made the assumption that the contract included statement that upon signing the contract there's 'no escape'. My mistake having overlooked the contract. The point now is the contract is signed in full agreement by the client that he or she will go through the project, and will stay until completion, and to produce what needed to be produced by him or her. Failure to do so would mean that action would be taken on him/her.

Now this unethical client of ours decided to be elusive. She can't be contacted and refused to return our calls. What else, she's got the TB Syndrome. Typical Bruneian Syndrome: lack of dedication, fu*ked-up attitude, bother-less, ... (negative descriptors goes on to infinity).

Then, my boss simply wants to let go. How daft is that? There's no money involved, but it's not about that. We are talking about the amount of work and time put into by my team to get this going. We are also talking about our alliances in this project. One client does wrong, we get the bad name. Anything we produce would be deemed as not marketable.

The organization has been seen to be one. A producer of sub-standard products. Regardless of the (quality) control mechanism we've put in, we cannot insure our products as first class. The major ingredient of our products is our client. You get one f*cked-up client, the whole production line is affected. Imagine if you've got plenty of foul clients.

I've countless times been involved in defending our reputation, giving and searching all sorts of excuses. Sometimes, you just got tired of doing that. Especially, when you know your boss couldn't care less. But doing that is unfair to the other bosses and everyone else who's put every decent seconds of their time on building the image of the organization.

I don't have the power to boot my boss off his office, but I can always do this... (Try if you wish to de-stress).

Old friends abound

2007-12-11T08:21:00.000+08:00

The blogosphere is an amazing world. You never know what you'll discover next.

I was just clicking in random in blog nation, reading thoughts, rantings, musings, ramblings of Brunei bloggers. Some interesting, some funny, some cute, some scary, some beautiful, some envious, some 'sassspen', and so much more.

But, I wasn't prepared for ... Ah! let's say ... blogosphere makes the world such a tiny place. Anyway, I thought I give the site a read. So, annoying. God! And that reminded me why ...

I guess I'd have to add to my some-s list above: some annoying.

Nonetheless, great efforts by everyone. And I'm impressed with the abundant talent, creativity, dedication, and oh! don't forget EMOTIONS. In honor of my new favourites, I will be linking a few of them (as usual without permission):

Anakbrunei.org: among the pioneers of #Brunei IRC-ers. Old friends, you can't get rid of them easily in this wired-world. Hats off to his success. (P.S. Reeda, thanks for reminding me how fat I've become)
Ramblings of a pre-claimed bimbo: for the empowering thought of a 19 yo. Definitely better than wonderbra. She's funny.
withaku.com: with him I found beautiful pictures. Wow.
womaninawetsuit: adventurous woman that I truly envy. Sexy.
YPI: Parking idots caught in action. How deserving!

P.S GFs, I miss you

2007-12-10T11:43:00.001+08:00

Dear Yatie, Sarah, Elena and Liz,

It's been ages we've not seen each other. I miss you all, a whole lot. I wish you all were here, so we could dance this day away. Great friends are hard to come by. I'll forever cherish us, our friendships.

Take care for now. I love you all.

xxx000xxx

I'm no supermom

2007-12-10T10:16:00.000+08:00

I'm trying my best to move my thoughts positively. I've had the delay effects from yesterday. It's not easy, never easy, but I've managed so far. I had a few teardrops this morning as I took my weet-bix and hot chocolate. Am I angry? I shouldn't be. Am I sad? I don't need to be. Am I frustrated? why should I be? I've tried my best...

It's not easy being a mother. It's not easy being a step mother. It's not easy being a step mother to an adopted daughter. It's not easy being a step mother to an adopted daughter and coming into her life when she is four and had another mother before then.

Maybe she had a beautiful life before you, may be she had the best mum before you, may be you came in too soon in her life and she doesn't want you. There're so many maybes. There're so many thoughts in you. Maybe I could never replace the mothers before me, but I'm trying my best to be the mother she has now. I may not be the kissy-huggy mama to her, but I do care. A whole lot.

But why do people say "she was ... (like this and that), when..."? why tell me? Why tell me off? why try make it like I care less?

Where were you all... when I congratulate her when she tops her class, when I kiss her forehead when I leave for work, when I prioritize her over my work, when I hug her in trying to make her feel secure, when we laugh together about boys?

Why only see ... when I tell her off when she needs disciplining, when she looks 'incomplete', when she looks unhappy?

May be you all mean well, may be I'm overly sensitive. I am after all human. But with all the maybes, I am certain about one thing. I've tried my best... and I will keep on trying.

Global Warming and Kampung Ayer kitani

2007-12-06T14:02:00.000+08:00

(image source: http://www.worldproutassembly.org/images/TokoroYukiyoshi.jpg)

The BBC talked about the effects of global warming on the Himalayas yesterday. Ah gorgeous Himalayas! I have always dreamt of climbing up The summit. I know I am way too skint to try attempting the adventure. I don't think I've got all the skills as a mountain climber, but I can train for it. That's a dream to keep on fantasizing.

But that's not really the point I want to put across. It's NATURE really, and how we should appreciate what it has given us. The natural beauty that becalm us; the resources that bequest our survival and livelihood; the spirits it procreate. Boundless gifts to us human by God the Almighty. Alhamdulillah.

And yet, here we are - making no or little attempt to save the environment. Do we really care about it? I believe the question should be rephrased: DO WE REALLY CARE ABOUT US? Cause we are (at least part of) the environment. Just because God will one (judgement) day put us on a barren dessert, we don't need to prepare earth for that.

Global warming, that climate change ... I don't need to write an essay on what it is and what causes it. Google it, and you'll get a million links. The consequences are endless too. But one struck me - RISING WATER LEVELS.

I've not passed by Bandar for a while, but the other day on the way home from an uncle living along Kota Batu, we decided to drive through town. Kampung Ayer, the view is still impressive to me. There's so much history to it: the heritage - the industry, the technology - so much more and how it had evolved. It's such an authentic site.

(image source: www.kampung-boy.com)

No, I've never lived there. I know my ancestors did, in the last 700 years or so, from the day it stands. But, I don't know for how long it'll stay. The country is talking about conserving the site; there's development of a cultural village even. Those are good news, somehow.

But what's more pressing than that? When we passed by the other day, I saw the river almost touching some of the houses (and pantaran) floors. Unusual high tides, I thought. They said it's been like that in recent times. The cause, I never asked.

Watching the BBC yesterday prompt me to believing it's the effect of global warming. Yes, that climate change has resulted in the rising of water level in Brunei River too. My theory anyway. If other countries around the world are experiencing such high water levels and high tides, we are bound to experiencing the same thing. After all, we live in such a tiny world. The weather's warmer, the ice is melting and the water is rising. Across the oceans, seas and rivers. Including Brunei River.

Conservation and the cultural village will certainly take us back in time. Yet, that increasing water level cannot guarantee Kampung Ayer stays forever. I'm here to make pledges to reduce my contribution to global warming. So our heritage stays, and not just beautiful pictures in our kids' history books. Time to take action:

Lights off, the air-cons too.
Do things manually, as much as we can. Broom-it, not vacuum-it; hand-wash it, not machine-wash it. Save electrical energy, burn the calories. That's a 2-in-1 formula. So, manual would be the new game of the house.
Reduce our rubbish, and we reduce the burning and land-fill in Sungai Akar.

Get recycling bins, and teach the kids and helper on recycling stuffs. That's new culture to instill.

Pampers? Cut down usage, or option 2: terry nappies. Should I? That's a very difficult one.

Use fewer toilet rolls, and encourage as many girlfriends to go for Halawa waxing. That's definitely cutting toilet tissues usage. Hubbies will be happier too. Another 2-in-1 formula.

Print papers - cut down too, that'll reduce further deforestation. So, next year's planner? From the mobile phone then, the **k**a *series. (I'm not trying to endorse capitalism, and my phone's brand).

Going out?

Plan route to reduce carbon emission from car.
Park as far as possible from destiny (if walk-able). Meaning less carbon emission, and saves fuel.

Or stay home, work at and from home, as much as I can. If I'm the big boss, I'll encourage E-work and less of the m-work. (p.s. Boss, are you with me?)

Not forgetting: linking greenpeace.org in 'Winx ally'.

I know I'll think of more. Meanwhile, I hope you do so too.

Not just for Kampung Ayer, but for the love of earth, us and our future.

Missing the opportunity

2007-12-04T13:58:00.000+08:00

"Students' objective at this point in their lives is one and only one. Success in their studies," said the monarch. (The Brunei Times, Today)

Kind of miss the opportunity to be with the rest of the gang (students) at Intercont London this year. I should have been there by now, but I'm still stuck here. The deal was to make as much as correction as I could before I re-embarked with my transfer. It's not an easy deal, not for me. The corrections, the idea of going and leaving my babies, the to be set-up family venture, the school fees and the financing ... so much to consider. I have qualms in going, I've reweighed the options. But putting the d and the r in front of my name has been my dream.

It's hard. I envy people like Rogue Economist (the local freakonomics) who seems capable of writing her thesis in a breeze. She's got two toddlers with her and the hubby, yet she's focussed in her research. I wonder how. Incredible the way I see it. I think they are strong people. A colleague of mine was in a similar situation. Look where she's now. She's just got a promotion. I know I am at par with her, in terms of intellect and contributions. Only difference is, she's got the title. Yet, I'm still not pushing myself harder. As if gratified with what I've acquired so far. I mean, my career and its development.

I don't know my excuse. This thesis is not coming along as I want it to be. The data is still good, but I can't leave it for longer. It's an original idea, but I've seen an almost similar theory in the journal this year. The same authors are interested in my work, they want me to group with them; I am interested in getting established, but I have to stay focus with my current goal. I said, let me finish my corrections, let me graduate and we'll cross-culturate.

Sigh! My fault. But, I'm redha. I don't regret how my life has come along. It's been a great 4 years since. The greatest, of course with the ups-and-downs. I just have to learn to be strong, focussed, disciplined and to have faith.

It's not a time to fantasize. No, no longer. The kids are growing, and they'd want a role model. I should be that person. I am that person.

He went into rehab, then they say go...go..go!

2007-12-03T22:01:00.000+08:00

Dato (Dr) Haji Mustapha Ma in the conference told the media that the indicative factor of relapse in drug abusers or repeat abusers points to -insufficient follow-up in after-care after the person had received rehabilitation.

He also noted that the society is still adhering to a stigma of the person who had undergone rehabilitation, still branding them as drug addicts. This does not help that person to go back to society. Dato (Dr) Haji Mustapha said society, unfortunately, adheres to "once a drug addict, always a drug addict". (Borneo Bulletin, today).

I just got news that somebody I know is to be sacked in the next few days or so. Sad. He's just been into rehab; they, as in his employer, sent him there. I think for almost 8 weeks. Just barely a month out of rehab, he's got the axe. He thought they'd pardoned him; caught twice prior rehab. Finished rehab feeling good and refreshed. I guess re-born. The wife and him contemplated on going Umrah early next year, bertaubat. He went back to work, got a raise in his salary, and the allowance they've delayed over a year or so. The delay has got nothing to do with his misdemeanor. That was administrative.

Today, suddenly this. I guess, he just needs to be strong. His wife, too. I have sympathy for her. But she has got a strong family; a supporting family. They don't stamp 'criminal' on his forehead. They are more forgiving than his employer, a lot lot more. This would be a great challenge to them. That 'through thick and thin' is now more crucial than ever.

Heard it's his work environment is the cause of this. Colleagues abusing and trafficking drugs. Not for the faint-hearted. The sacking perhaps is a blessing in disguise. God knows more than the mortal eyes. Should he stay on, it wouldn't be best for him, maybe. I just hope he'll find a new job. At this low time, he needs confidence in life, and support from those close to him. May be it was his fault in the first place, maybe he was too weak to shield himself from temptations, but now is not the time to put pressure on him. He needs love and understanding. Then perhaps, his eyes would open wide. That there's life beyond addiction. That there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I also hope what said today by BASMIDA is heard by his employer. Cause if society as a WHOLE are able to pardon offenders, we'll fight drugs at a different phase. It's about giving chances. This incidence has open my mind too. I'm calling out to everyone to put this in perspective:

NO to desolation, NO to guilt-feelings, No to shaming, No to depression

YES to forgiving, YES to acceptance, Yes to re-integration, Yes to encouragement

ALL equate to a huge NO to DRUG RECIDIVISM

(Image Source: juvente.klab.lv)

Reflections

2007-12-03T10:22:00.000+08:00

It's December 3rd today; the new year is just round the corner and I'm getting ultra worried. I feel I'm not getting anywhere.

* My thesis correction - I am way overdue. I'm still stuck with my scales purification section. It's moving, but progress is very slow. I don't understand either. It's just the last two scales, and the simplest of all. Single items, they should be easy. Not. I've justifications for, and I've validated their applications, but the words are not flowing. Am I trying too hard to complete just one sentence, one paragraph, one section, one chapter? Or am I such a perfectionist that I keep reconstructing my sentences. My supervisor is. Perhaps, I am just too scared of more criticism from him. But critique is good. My work is good and original, I know. I just have to keep moving. At a speedy pace now.

Goal of the day: Finish correcting chapter 4 and 3.

* My weight - I am still overweight. I get complacent sometimes thinking it'll be easier to shed the kilos when I'm away. I always did. But I can't wait till I'm gone, it'll be embarrassing. They've never seen me big, let alone huge. I got to shape up to a comfortable look. Not just for myself and my confidence, but my health. I'm a young mother, and I want to see my grandkids one day. That's a long way to go. To stay healthy is one way to achieve that.

Goal of the week: 210 minutes of exercise minimum and 10,500kcal of f&b maximum

* My effort - is still very weak. My will is strong, but I lack discipline. I procrastinate many times. Thinking they're small, they're short and they'd be quickly done. But no, everything takes time, if it's to be perfect. It's not just about finishing, quality matters. But quantity helps; "sikit sikit lama-lama jadi bukit" as they prescribed at the 4th National Business Conference. So, I have to push beyond my limit, I gotta act. I got to change my attitude. I don't want to be part of the 'typical Bruneian.' I am not and I won't.

Goal of the month: to accomplish, to feel guiltless and to fly high happily into 2008

Boney boney (Interlude)

2007-11-22T07:28:00.000+08:00

At last the bone is gone.

I had this tiny fish bone stuck in my throat since yesterday lunch. I went to Sumbangsih Mulia for a quick cheap meal with my kids. I always go there. You won't get diet food, but depending on your interpretation, I believe they are healthy meals.

My option was this ikan masak kunyit, 2 small pieces of hati buyah, a small portion of nasi putih, and sambal pedas (ayam penyit). I didn't take rice in the evening to cut down on my complex carb, just vegies. Just didn't want to take on the guilt trip. Remember, I'm trying to lose my FAT. It's enough that we had BT talking about RIPAS confirming on fat Bruneians, then you have the old man in his blog rubbing salt to my wound.

Anyway. Almost to my last spoon I suddenly felt a piercing on the back of my throat. Just behind the uvula and the soft palate. My fault, I took for granted that the fish was tiny, and its bone wont affect me that much if it ever got stuck. When it did, I didn't really panic.

First attempt to take it out: ate a tiny ball of rice. Didn't even budge. I made a couple more balls of rice. I had to asked for extra which was kind of embarrassing. I bet people were thinking, "God, she really eat, doesn't she? Typical Bruneian women." Nope, that didn't work either.

Second attempt: drank lots and lots of water. Slowly. Nope. No movement. But everytime I spoke, I felt the urge to vomit.

I thought it's getting there. So better leave it for a bit. I rang mum, she was at home and wanted to see the baby. So, I flocked my herd into the car, told them we are meeting their granny. On the way we passed by Hua Ho Mall. I had a thought, and since I had a few stuff to get, I decided to stop by.

Third attempt: Took one strepsil. Sucking it really slow. Finished. Nothing happened.

Got to mum's. Mum said, try sipping water from the cover of the rice-cooker (remember that children song: "minum air di tudung periuk, petua ubat ketulangan..."

Fourth attempt: Took the suggestion. Sipped slowly with full concentration and hope. Damn.

I decided to just not bother. It'll go down somehow. But, the bone kept thrusting on my throat, it felt slightly painful as night goes by. Nevermind, it'll go tomorrow. I woke up this morning, my God, it still was there. Told the hubby again and he thought he'd try another trick, his dad's.

Fifth attempt: The hubby placed a small clean nail into a glass full of water. Left it for a couple of minutes, and got me drinking it after. I did.

I believe it's gone now. Thank God. But lesson learnt well, never underestimate anything tiny.

Trust and loyalty Part I

2007-11-21T08:56:00.000+08:00

Well, it was supposed to be a relaxing day for hubby and I on sunday. We wanted to escape from everything else, including the kids. So, we opted to take the kids to my parents. Leave them there for a bit, while we head to kadai komunis to get a DVD and watch it at our own place with our own space.

I'm pretty lucky that my parents are just minutes away from us. It's coincidental really. When I got to know my husband, he was living close-by with his adopted daughter. He was a divorcee.

Now talk about trust, I would have not agreed to meet him, have my parents not known where he lived. Like many modern relationships today, I must admit I met my husband in an on-line forum. His English was good, that was the catch. That was one of the requirements. Plus, he sounded smart. I also sensed his high EQ. Foremost, he sounded like somebody you could really trust in.

No, we weren't actually 'going out,' really. There weren't that opportunity. I was thousands of miles away from him, trying to finish my study. It was weird and funny. After several exchanges of private on-line messages and e-mails, we notched it up with text phone messages. We talked more of his past. His trust was betrayed once. He was a dedicated single father, and I was somewhat attracted to that. I think.

I was in a bizarre, and a volatile relationship. Trust was hard in my relationships. It's so weird when you are out with a gorgeous guy where girls would drool over him yet he is very insecure. When you should be the one. Trust me, beauty is not everything.

When the on-line man appeared, I somewhat felt that this was HIM. I was never going to let him pass by me. I told my men it was very over. My man devastated - almost suicidal. Scary. Somehow, after almost 4 years, I finally have the courage to not care of the emotional blackmails and antics. This on-line mystery man has liberated me. He was The one.

Then one odd day I received a text message: "will you marry me?" I replied "this is not real, right?" He replied back, "let's say if it was". I suffocated. I never met this man, I didn't know how he really looked like. He didn't even know me. Weirdo. He must be crazy. But it was romantic, I thought it was. I texted back, "OK." But it was not the okay okay, I was just answering to a hypothetical proposal.

Then another 3pm one day, I got a buzz at my flat. It was Interflora. The flower guy smiled and said '"This guy must really loves you, he got you a dozen of white roses and a teddy.' Kewl, it felt like pretty woman. By then I have already received a beautiful proposal card. This bouquet was another proposal. This time I was gob-smacked. It kicked in. He was for real.

I rang a galfren in London . She said, 'Man, I'd marry him if I were you.' The whole thought of marrying suffocated me. I never believed in marriage. Plus, this was a little too fast. We just 'knew' each other. Well, not really; we didn't know one another.

He texted again and said he'd fly over to see me, so I could make my decision. Eerie. Insane. Eccentric. But I let him come. Was I gullible? He could have been a sex-maniac or a rapist. Yet, I trusted this perfect stranger.

He assured me and gave me his home address. Even asked me to talk to his mum. I passed. But I gave his address to my parents so they could confirm his place. Before leaving, he promised to meet my parents first. He did. I took it as seeking permission to see me if he was that sincere. They met. He looked alright, they said. They got excited, well, the whole family was.

The day came and I braved myself to see him at the Airport. Costa cafe was our first rendezvous. He was late, almost an hour late. His plane had arrived much earlier so I thought he stood me up. As I got up to leave, I saw this tall man, long-haired, in grey shirt and black trousers, with a bouquet on one hand and his luggage on another smiling at me, and apologized for the delay. Then asked, "Would you like me to stay or should I head back to London?" I smiled. He looked safe.

He was safe. He is safe. He secures me now. Well, after one meeting, we got engaged. After the second meeting, we got married. All within 4 months. Hasty decision, it was not. I found incredible love. Love that grows and grows. Had I not trust my intuition, had I not trusted him, and had I not trust my faith, I wouldn't be this happy today.

This may be a flight of fancy to others. But hubby if you are reading this, thank you for fluttering into my life. I trust and love you.

Prelude

2007-11-20T11:45:00.000+08:00

I'm in a rush. Thus, this prelude suffice for now.

I wonder out aloud if I need permission to link other blogs onto mine. Cause I did not. I hope they (the owners) don't mind the links in winx in. I've included them as I constantly fly into their blogs to have good reads. They are not just accessories :

Bruneiresources.blogspot.com - a lot of facts on Brunei, my beloved nation. He's a contributor to Brunei Times now. I know who he is, I mean I just happen to know one of his siblings. Smart. I guess it runs in the family.
triathlonbrunei.blogspot.com - I know the owner well. He is the same owner of another blog. His inputs always intrigue me, particularly his travels. Just that the blog's inactive now, I know he's up to creating another. I'll wait for more of his writings. He inspires me to lose the weight and to push beyond my limits.
bahapakitani.blogspot.com - it's good to know things are happening at home. It's there I found out the charity event (smarter & CFBT charity run, walk or cycle) this coming sunday. I'd be there.
maurina.wordpress.com @Turquoise and Roses - Simple. I guess she represents our youth. But simplicity is effective. That's her strategy. I think she has done a good job as a blogger. With unreserved tactics. Her recent topic on female circumcision and male don't grunt must have multiplied the number of her visitors. Certainly, you'd be googable if you include words like cl*to**s and sentences including big, fat, long and hard. She sure deserve to be among the top bloggers in Brunei.
abruneilifer.blogspot.com - This blog is addictive. You gotta have a dose of it each day. Ofcourse, it's not everyday he writes in his blog. Like Brunei resources he has good analytic views on many Brunei and global issues. I enjoy smart blogs. You also get a dosage of his personal life, and what Brunei old men really can be.
star-o-meter.blogspot.com - it's fascinating that people talk (bit*h? haha) about frenemies on-line. Well, that's what blogs about, right? Honest accounts of your everydays. I'd stick to reading this blog, it's free-spirited and enlightening. See how close star-gazing can be.

Enough said. If you happen to be the owners, I hope you take compliment on my linking and constant winxing of your blogs. It's a fly on the wall for me of your views on life. Thank you.

I know the bloglist will continue to grow, as I enjoy winx-ing on many others. But, I crave for more intellectually-challenging blogs. That reminds me of my favourite forum bruclass.com, of which every now and then I continue to read. My contribution in there? I don't fancy cerebral matches these days. Reading is more pleasurable.

Heavy Winx

2007-11-13T11:17:00.000+08:00

"CARS are to be BANNED from hundreds of roads in a desperate bid to tackle Britain's obesity crisis." (The Sun)

Wow, harsh or what? No, I'd certainly love the idea.

Well, I've got a confession. I've reached the 70 mark. Ofcourse, with some extras. I really don't know how to kill these kilos; I've never been this obese in my life. The last time I gave birth, it was easy to lose the fat. Added with determination to run the Brunei marathon, it was plain simple. This time around and yes, it has been 4 months, the kilos kept multiplying. I just don't have the motivation. The treadmill is not turning, nor is the cross-trainer. The MTV is not on yet upstairs, that's my excuse.

Well, I have to now. I know. I should walk later on. I can't run yet, my pelvic muscles are still weak. Very weak. That's not the point.

How do I go back to my size 10, when I am now 14. I know all the tricks, but I can't seem to get the strategies in gear. I'm done with trying old clothes, I know I can't fit into them; but the will is not fired up. I don't know why.

In fact yesterday, it was non-stop grazing actions. Lunch buffet at Millennium, high tea at home and calorie-loaded dinner. Well, we had visitors, so my parents and I were entertaining. Overfed.

Nevermind. I'll have to put in a 30 minutes walk around the block later on. I will try.

Fly smiling

2007-11-10T09:39:00.000+08:00

It's a good day today.

Well, everyday is good, it's us who turn it the opposite, the result of our negativities. I'll keep that in perspective.

Woke up thanking God for what I have. A great husband, smart daughters, incredible family, well-equiped house, safe cars, good food, thirst-quenching drinks, excellent education, fulfilling job, friendly neighbours, peaceful Brunei... the list goes on. It's not bad at all. I'm thankful, Alhamdullilah.

I'm flying with these thoughts, with a great smile on me face.

"Ya Allah, ampunkanlah hamba mu yang lemah ini,yang mungkin kurang mensyukuri nikmat yang Kau berikan. Namun, jangan kau putuskan pemberian mu; murahkanlah rezeki kami, berikanlah kekayaan kepada kami: kekayaan iman, kekayaan ilmu dan kekayaan harta, bagi kesenangan kami dunia akhirat. Tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang lurus, dan bukakan kami kepada ketakwaan kepada Mu. Salawat dan salam keatas rasul kamu, Nabi Muhammad saw".

why the butterfly?

2007-11-08T11:37:00.000+08:00

Butterflies, they are beautiful.

A symbol of freedom,
the freedom of thoughts.

A symbol of colours,
the colours of life.

A symbol of spirits,
the spirits of determinations.