Slowing down...

I know the last time I was here was last month, to be exact just over 2 weeks. I'm not as active as before. There's too much on my plate. There's too much to think about. Work, home and exercise are not easy to manage. I'm trying. I don't know if I'm trying too much, or still too little. How do I measure my endeavours? It seems that with all the effort I'm doing - I can't see much conversion from them. It's like going to an exhibition hall in Brunei and you'll only get people to taste your samples, but not quite purchasing them. Even if there are, they are not in the quantity you are targeting for.

I've just been back from a 3 day conference and workshop in Singapore. Brilliant. Who would have thought that I'd be sitting down listening to one of the guys from YouTube, Pinstorm, and a couple of other big names (if I start putting them down, then I'll reveal my identity). I realized that we are so far behind, and a lot of catching up to do if we were ever to achieve our vision - yes, I'm talking about the organization I worked for. Now that we have competitions, I am unsure if our strategies we have in placed can sustain our position. There's a couple of things we've not capitalized on, and we should start harnessing them. I know I can start the ball rolling, and I have a good team behind me who could help with that effort.

But there is mix enthusiasm in my team. You can't blame them if some are not up for it. What's their reward? None translatable to monetary or performance bonuses. While I get a little remuneration, they don't. So, it's not been easy being their leader. While I'm passionate about the job, they have mix feelings; and true! Why should they work their a^&e off when they only get a thank you from me. I really appreciate their work. I do get frustrated when things don't get done. This job consumes our energy. Perhaps, while trying to improve, I've put extra work for them. It's all good, but is it worthy for my subs? I don't want it to be seen as a me-thing. I've always bring them in with decision-makings. Not that I can't do it alone, but I believe I'm here to mentor them. I want them to see what lies beyond, I want them to feel it, I want them to give it all. I just pray to God that they take these as professional development, rather than the feeling of 'finishing her (my) job."

Then there's another part of my life, which I feel so very uncertain. I'm trying to be very positive about it. I am trying and will put my ALL to have it, keep it, and sustain it. I'll do anything for this. I gave up my life if I could or if I should. But I am only human, and God is all knowing. He is putting me to the test, and maybe it's the hardest of all. At times, I feel impatient. A lot lot lot of times, it's painful. It's like a PILL, you took it, it feels so good - GREAT, HEAVEN; but it can kill you if you lose it. It's that TITLE that I've wanted to keep for life. Now, every seconds and in between is a waiting game. I don't know what to expect. It's like a bungee ride. The suspence is killing me. Will I get it? I've done what I think needs to be done. But I don't know if it's enough, may be it's not and never enough. I feel anxious and nervous with every beat of my heart. My brain gets fuzzy most times, and I can feel my heart beating harder every now and then. This TITLE can give you that permanent head damage. It's so near but still far away. I just want it for life. GOD, please Oh God! Give me the strength to keep on trying.

**Sigh**

With all these... I don't know if I can keep up blogging. I've slowed down so much on this front. I think I'll slow down further. Two weeks is good for me for now. Yes, maybe between 2-3 weeks. I love keeping friends up to date. Well, this is an update. I need time to recuperate.