Dedicated to the man I love

Dear Baby,
It was 5 years ago when you came into my life. It's this weekend that we first talked to each other. It's next month you came to see me, proposed to me, and a month later, we got engaged. 2 months after we got married. We have had a gorgeous life together so far. Beautiful over 4 years marriage memories, cute kids, nice house, supportive families. I couldn't ask for anything else. I shouldn't. And, I would want to keep it that way forever and ever.

I dedicated to you this song when I was thousands of miles away from you then. It inspired you to create your proposal avatar; "Just a little project I worked on last evening whilst listening to Shakira's "Moscas En La Casa" .. Mis dias sin ti (Flies In the House .. Days without you)." Although, Mariah Carey's and Busta Rhymes "I know what you want" had been our theme song, and we did go to her concert during our honeymoon, and yes, we had our second child named after her (not our first, hahaha), it has always been Shakira's mis dias sin ti that reflects my heart when I am away from you. I believe the same with you.

Now that we've known each other for 5 years, these songs remain close to my heart. I look forward to forever-ness. Amin. One thing for sure, 'mis dias sin ti' is difficult, and I can't imagine being without you. I don't want to be without you. I want to spend the rest of your life with me and our kids. Just us.

Baby,
If I ever showed disinterest, I never meant to.
If I looked swayed, that's not true.
For in my heart, there's only you.
I sincerely and honestly love you. Only you.



Your wifey,
winx

P.S. Thank you for the beautiful winx.







Finally, the translation that you wanted all this while.


My days without you are so dark,
so long, so gray,
my days without you are so absurd,
so bitter, so tough,
my days without you,
My days without you don't have nights,
if someone appears,
it's useless to sleep,
my days without you are an excess,
the hours don't have a beginning, or end

so short of air,
so filled with nothing,
useless junk,
trash on the floor,
flies in the house

my days without you are like a sky,
without silvery moons,
nor traces of the sun,
my days without you are only an echo,
that always repeats,
the same song

so short of air,
so filled with nothing,
useless junk,
trash on the floor,
flies in the house

stumble on the rocks,
still i keep waiting that you'll return to me,
still i keep looking in the faces of the old,
bits of a child,
hunting reasons that make me believe,
that still i meet with life,
biting my fingernails,
drowning in my tears,
missing you so much,

my days without,
oh how they hurt, my days without you

Ya Allah
Kau peliharakanlah dan teguhkanlah ikatan kasih sayang kami berdua
Jangan kau putuskan rezeki kami;
(cinta kami, anak-anak kami, kesihatan kami, dan harta-benda kami)
Kau murahkan lagi rezeki-rezeki ini kepada kami;
Berikan kami masa selamanya untuk menyayangi sesama kami;
berikan kami kesempatan untuk memelihara, menyayangi, membesarkan anak-anak kami bersama,
agar mereka menjadi anak-anak soleh, beriman, dan berjaya;
kuatkan keimanan kami dengan cubaan-cubaan mu;
bukakan hati kami kepada jalan yang lurus;
tutupkan hati kami kepada yang buruk, yang boleh menghancurkan kasih-sayang dan rezeki-rezeki kami.
Ya Allah,
hanya Engkau tempat ku meminta
Engkau Maha Tinggi, Maha Kaya, Maha Kuasa.
Wa Sal Allahu Ala Sayidina Muhammaddin, Wa Ala Alihi, Wa Sahbihi Wa Sallam
Walhamdulillah hir-rabil Al-Amin

On a positive note

I must have exaggerated. I was having a difficult time in the last month, but, I have to say a lot of my time was involved with quite a few projects, hence the inability to update my blog, or read other people's blogs. Professionally, I have to say Alhamdulillah, berezeki.

The usual project I handled is now in its middle stage. Things had fall in the right places, and I'm grateful to my team. Particularly my secretary. He has been resourceful - young and energetic. Haven't said no to me yet, or perhaps too afraid to say no. Haha. He is like my PA; constantly reminding me of meetings and things I should be doing, more like my talking management diary. He'd even text me in the morning to remind me I should be in the office at a certain time. He's good. I'd highly recommend him. He works hard. I know the other members bully him, cause he thinks he can handle all. He tries hard to show them he can. I appreciate that. I'd like to see him delegate the tasks I assign to the other members himself, rather than me. But he's not have the gutts yet. I think he'll get it in a few years. He just need confidence and assertiveness.

Another member; she's pretty, cute, sweet and manja. She's fun as well. Actually, she's our secret weapon. We know she has the charm; no one has turn her down yet. No one. She's getting married in August. I wish her well. He must be the luckiest man on earth.

Then there's the other go-getter. She's smart, I like her brain, I like her confidence, I like her know-it-all attitude. She's got some ego, and I think she will do well in her career. She listens, that's important, even if she has a strong view over a topic.

There's also the handsome boy. We all like his carefree attitude. He's smart. He's fun. The girls are playful with him. I like to see that. Nothing kinky.

Another young member, she's the gym-goer. Like every lunch time, she is thinking of working out. She is planning to marry too. So I guess, trying to look extra good on the wedding day. I wish her well.

My deputy, he's a busy man. I think he feels a little left out. He was always my wing man, but now my new secretary is doing his job too well. I feel guilty at times, when I forgot to cc him e-mails or update him on the latest. As if he doesn't exist. But I do, every now and then. But he's my backbone, no matter what. He's there when I needed an extra brain to think.

My other deputy, he must really feel left out, or he is happier where he is. My other two members are too engaged with their personal matters, and I tolerate that. I have to understand that some people may not be available when things are rough for them on that front. Cause, I know how difficult it is to focus when personal circumstances get in the way.

I'm happy with my team. This team.

My other projects involve me working with various other people. One particular project is just done. I'm not really sure if it's totally complete, at least my part was done. That was not easy. Lack of planning. But we had our exit strategies. Haha. The few of us who weren't happy with how it was handled. I think many weren't happy. But what to do, it has to be done. It could have been done better. Only if there weren't any personal agenda. Let's stop there.

Another project is at its very initial stage. I'm a professional, I work with anybody. Not to say I'm not cautious with people's agenda. I like transparency, I like honesty. I don't like back-stabbing. I don't like to be used as an instrument. So, yes, it has stayed at the very initial stage. I've laid down my conditions, to move forward. If she ignores all these, tough. I will not be in the project team, even if I know I'm a necessity. And yes, it involves remuneration. It's a mega project, I may be at lost. I want this project. But, rezeki halal is ultimate.

I've just been invited to another project. I am very keen on this one. But it will be tough. The meeting is to be held next week I believe. It's not a big team, but I'm to work with a partner. A partner that's tough to work with. She's good with communication skill, but I know this assignment is not her expertise. And, she has a reputation for slow delivery. She must have her reasons. Team effort, that will be a big question. It'll be a 'me' project somehow. I guess I have to be ready for that. I'm just taking this positively. I really want to work on this project, for professional development.

There is another project I've been invited. Meetings went well. It is nice number team. I'm in only for a few hours. Early June. Very interesting. I like this project. Easy. I've not made my preparation yet. Next week, I've to focus on this. It'll be good and fun.

My final on-going project. Has taken me down and up to Belait. It's the toughest of all. Outcomes can only be measured afterwards. It takes a lot of time and effort. Driving to Belait is tiring, but remuneration is GREAT, if I can stay deliverable. My only concern is... haha.. the driving to and fro. Our road network is appalling, especially from Telisai Satelite Station onto Seria by-pass. I can understand how commuters feel now. Lucky I don't need to be in during the rush hours. If I do, my stress level could go up I guess. I'm also embarrassed for us. At my age, I'm driving on the same tiny road that my dad drove us to KB when we were little. It's not in it's best condition anyway, so little wonder we hear every other day there are accidents. Imagine how many working hour is lost because of our roads. Come on road engineers, planners and MoD, please do something about this. I'm sure that there's a way to expand our road network, and make commuting/driving to Belait a safe, easy and less-stress one.

Life goes on

It's been almost a month since I last enter. I didn't even read this blog, or other blogs. A lot happened. A lot lot lot. Made me think. Twice, thrice, endlessly. It's totally personal. About me, my feelings, my actions or in-actions. Pursue or not pursue. Move on or stay in the past. Fuzzy is the word to describe my brain... then. Until I learnt a few days ago on the word 'NOW.' I must admit, it's not easy capitalizing on this powerful THREE letter word. At the same time, I have had relapses in between the last 48 hours, but I'm putting faith onto NOW.

Along the way, I'm meeting others - a lot lot of others, perhaps in my situation, perhaps worst, perhaps not. Various words and theories are put forth to describe all these. Temptation as one, faith as another, trust add ons, bother-less also on the list... emotional was even subscribed. Interesting. Questions of why, why not, when, what if, where, and ... are thrown around. Strategies planned. Withdraw or charged. Take charge or surrender.

Only God knows how strong I will be.

P.S. To those I have (unintentionally) hurt (before)... I am so sorry. I never meant to. Sometimes, things happened. Forgive me once again. If only I knew all the answers, it'll make it easier. But I am only human. Let's move on. Cause life goes on, and I am still breathing.

Slacking

Am at work, and I know I shouldn't be online now. Not yet. Another 14 minutes would be okay. Maybe. But I never blog from work. They could be checking on what I'm doing. They'd find out who I am. But they've figured anyway. So does it really matter.

I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. There are lots of information I've been absorbing. I tend to analyse things too deep, too far. I can't deal with them in simplistic manner. Maybe my character. Maybe my profession. It spills off into my personality and character. But this particular subject, perhaps, requires me to just take it simplistically. As simple as I could. But it's not easy. Even in its a simplest form. To me the logic in simplicity is just not there, or rather not right.

I just went on googles (with my music CD on in the background). I played around for a bit. Searching for an old username of mine. Ahhh.. still there. Oddly, I've not used it for a long time now, but I saw it popping up somewhere else after I 'resigned' that username. I resigned it then as it was abused. Could have damaged my relationship with my new hubby then. Perhaps, that was the intention. I've forgiven - who ever he/she was. Nevermind.

So I clicked on some of the old entrees I did then. I thought they were funny. Tickles my brain, made me emotional. I smiled, and maybe some tears in my eyes, just now. Good and sad memories. Times when people can hurt you, or can make you happy. Ideas accepted and rejected. The power of words. Through the internet.

It makes me wonder. How can we be so emotionally attached through words. Words are merely made up of letters. But use unwisely they can be miscontrued, manipulated and amplified. They can be false, they can be falsified. Yet, they can turn real. If reality is good, that's fine. But when it's the otehr way round. Can just burn you out.

Ah. I don't know why I'm rambling on these things. I need to get out from this office. And Head home. I'm not being productive this afternoon. Too much information, too difficult to focus on. Time off. maybe I need another getaway. Getaway without work.

**Headache**

Okay. I'm out.

Slowing down...

I know the last time I was here was last month, to be exact just over 2 weeks. I'm not as active as before. There's too much on my plate. There's too much to think about. Work, home and exercise are not easy to manage. I'm trying. I don't know if I'm trying too much, or still too little. How do I measure my endeavours? It seems that with all the effort I'm doing - I can't see much conversion from them. It's like going to an exhibition hall in Brunei and you'll only get people to taste your samples, but not quite purchasing them. Even if there are, they are not in the quantity you are targeting for.

I've just been back from a 3 day conference and workshop in Singapore. Brilliant. Who would have thought that I'd be sitting down listening to one of the guys from YouTube, Pinstorm, and a couple of other big names (if I start putting them down, then I'll reveal my identity). I realized that we are so far behind, and a lot of catching up to do if we were ever to achieve our vision - yes, I'm talking about the organization I worked for. Now that we have competitions, I am unsure if our strategies we have in placed can sustain our position. There's a couple of things we've not capitalized on, and we should start harnessing them. I know I can start the ball rolling, and I have a good team behind me who could help with that effort.

But there is mix enthusiasm in my team. You can't blame them if some are not up for it. What's their reward? None translatable to monetary or performance bonuses. While I get a little remuneration, they don't. So, it's not been easy being their leader. While I'm passionate about the job, they have mix feelings; and true! Why should they work their a^&e off when they only get a thank you from me. I really appreciate their work. I do get frustrated when things don't get done. This job consumes our energy. Perhaps, while trying to improve, I've put extra work for them. It's all good, but is it worthy for my subs? I don't want it to be seen as a me-thing. I've always bring them in with decision-makings. Not that I can't do it alone, but I believe I'm here to mentor them. I want them to see what lies beyond, I want them to feel it, I want them to give it all. I just pray to God that they take these as professional development, rather than the feeling of 'finishing her (my) job."

Then there's another part of my life, which I feel so very uncertain. I'm trying to be very positive about it. I am trying and will put my ALL to have it, keep it, and sustain it. I'll do anything for this. I gave up my life if I could or if I should. But I am only human, and God is all knowing. He is putting me to the test, and maybe it's the hardest of all. At times, I feel impatient. A lot lot lot of times, it's painful. It's like a PILL, you took it, it feels so good - GREAT, HEAVEN; but it can kill you if you lose it. It's that TITLE that I've wanted to keep for life. Now, every seconds and in between is a waiting game. I don't know what to expect. It's like a bungee ride. The suspence is killing me. Will I get it? I've done what I think needs to be done. But I don't know if it's enough, may be it's not and never enough. I feel anxious and nervous with every beat of my heart. My brain gets fuzzy most times, and I can feel my heart beating harder every now and then. This TITLE can give you that permanent head damage. It's so near but still far away. I just want it for life. GOD, please Oh God! Give me the strength to keep on trying.

**Sigh**

With all these... I don't know if I can keep up blogging. I've slowed down so much on this front. I think I'll slow down further. Two weeks is good for me for now. Yes, maybe between 2-3 weeks. I love keeping friends up to date. Well, this is an update. I need time to recuperate.

That thing we can't live without...

Now... I've been thinking in the last few months. We've spent so much on drinking water, drinking bottled water to be exact. In a week, it cost us $13.00. Yes, we drink a lot of water. My baby consumes almost 600ml a day, my other daughters are the same. I consume more. Hubby too. Well, put together everybody in the house consumes a lot. It's far expensive compared to the estimated 50 cubic metre monthly usage at $5.50 (based on our water bill) for sanitation. That is $624 a year minimum of bottled water compared to $66 of tap water.

I spoke to hubby, we've to cut down on this. Not just it's uneconomical, but:
1. No evidence it's healthier than tap water. We're drinking reverse osmosis water with no nutritional value in any sense.
2. It's contained in plastic bottles. That's unfriendly to the environment. The bottles are non-biodegradable. Re-cycling can be costly. Re-using can be toxic for kids. It'd be better to avoid consuming them.
3. It's delivered to supermarkets or mini-marts via dieselled-run lorries/vehicles. Every green endeavors of ours seems futile. Worst if they're produced overseas, shipped or flown aggravates the eco-system.

But, my effort to cut down is not really working. All because we're unsure if it's really the right move. At times we get "muddy water," especially after heavy downpours. At other times we get "milky water." But yes, most times our tap water looks alright. We do have cheap filtration in the kitchen, but we're not that interested to buy those expensive system, we've been highly recommended. We hate sale-pitches, they don't work for us.

I've tried checking on-line if our water is REALLY safe for consumption. I'm concerned for my baby and my young kids. At safewateronline, they rated our water at 4 droplets (highest rating is 5 droplets, Singapore is rated at that level), meaning " Main cities have generally safe water supplies, which are monitored and regularly tested by an independent board, but level of service of rural and small towns systems could be substandard. Prevalence of waterborne diseases is low." But they did indicate "The Water Services Department carries out daily monitoring of water quality produced at the treatment works as well as conducts routine monitoring of water quality at its storage reservoirs and at strategic locations of the distribution system. Both chemical tests and bacteriological tests are conducted to ensure the water supply is within permissible levels. In addition, separate tests are carried out by the Health Department." Sounds assuring, but the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests travelers to bring iodine tablets or portable water purifier to Brunei.

Nothing mentioned in the Ministry of Development's website. We hear them saying it's okay. But can they print that in black and white. I'm still alive. Having drank tap water during my childhood. We didn't even boil the tap water then. But to compare our childhood with our kids' these days is a bit short. We live at a time where the environment (the rivers and lakes) were much much cleaner. Now we got all sorts of things dumped into our water sources.

A friend who's an economist advocated bottled waters (he'd be the one trying to be economical), all because he heard our water is not fit for consumption. I don't know where he got that from. He's also mentioned even after boiling, our water isn't totally safe. Since today's kettle automatically stops as it reaches boiling point. So yes, I'm concern. And, I'm unsure of my next move. To be economical, to be healthy, to be eco-friendly, or to be extremely cautious and safe. Questions I need to answer, and need deep thinking. Or maybe we've fallen into marketers traps. Along with bottle water manufacturers, they are just good at creating wants, which didn't exist.

So, on World Water Day - today, I'm requesting for confirmation by the Department of Water Services in the Public Works Department under the Min. of Development if our water is fit for consumption - especially for babies and young kids. The confirmation will SAVE us a lot. Save our money and our environment.

Saigon

We got in late on Tuesday night. Hubby e-mailed and called corporate hotels on their list prior to leaving, all fully booked accordingly. We thought, we'd just try our luck. Got a cab, and she took us to a hotel, at US$40 (B$56) a night. We weren't fussy, just wanted somewhere to sleep for the night. Plus, the cabbie was out to cheat us, so we better just okayed the hotel rather than being driven around town looking for the perfect room. We didn't exactly know where we were, but it was near the central market (Ben Tanh). The hotel was livable, but we felt it was still a rip off. So, we browse around the market for hotels the next day, and found a better one at US$2 cheaper. Most of the corporate hotels are by Saigon River, and if you're looking for something posh, they'd be good for you. I think hubby got a surprise; he always took me to luxury hotels, and never thought that I'm okay with 2 stars ones. He doesn't really know me yet. We've only been married for 4 years, and I don't blame him. He didn't know I've stayed in US$10 rooms while in Chonju, Korea once. But I must say, the earlier hotel got better breakfast buffet. I don't take heavy breakfast, so it didn't really matter. But hubby loves bubur with talur masin, and I had to stop him after eating so much of the salted eggs. Cholestrol, I reminded him. Anyway, we were told that we'd be charged 10% tax on top of the rate. When we checked out, they didn't include it. We kept quiet. How unethical can we be, but would you tell them if you were us?



We started the next day going to Ben Tanh Market (see left picture). Got some good deals. All because we were the first customers. They are pretty superstitious. Tip: Go very early in the morning, and bargain like hell. If you're the first they can't let you go without a purchase. Bad luck. Don't worry, you will never go broke. Well, hubby and I didn't really go bonkers at the market, it's nothing compared to Chatuchak (Bangkok). Just got things for the house at really low low low prices. We had a taste of the Department Store in the afternoon (Diamond Plaza), and tried a few local cuisine. Nice. If you like vegetarian and seafood (picture on right). Didn't buy anything at the Plaza, except our kids clothes which were as cheap as in Singapore. Sports attires in Saigon is quite dear, dearer than in Brunei. That's not something you'd like to bring home.



The good thing in Saigon, everywhere is close by. All walking distance. Saves you on transportation. But even if you were to take a cab, it'll cost you the most US$2 to get around. But we didn't bother. It's more interesting to walk around. Of course, its polluted, but at least you are not the one who contributes to that. Went sightseeing after the shopping. Well, we didn't really shop, so our backpacks weren't totally filled up, making it easier to go around. First stop the Presidential Palace, a few hundred metres from the Plaza. Then a few blocks away to the left of the palace was the War Remnant Museum. The Palace didn't look much from the outside, but exploring it inside is worthwhile. Go underground, there are bunkers used during the war as operating rooms. I got goosebumps seeing photos of the war. Nice view of central Saigon from second floor of Presidential Palace (see left picture)

The Presidential Palace - worth an exploration, especially its underground. Pictures gave me goosebumps.

We got 30 minutes left before it closes when we arrived at the War Remnant Museum. Showcasing not just arm artilleries left by the Americans, but the SCARS from the war. Also, hundreds of photos of and from the War and its remnants. My heart sank further and further, and we went speechless as we view more and more pictures. Can't totally describe the emotion we felt. Sad, disheartened, fear, sorrow, wretched, dismayed, anger... all not good. When we finished, we sat down by the entrance stairs to console our feelings. We didn't understand why a lot of people sat down quietly when we first got there. Then we knew. It was too much to absorb. Overwhelming.




Next day, we went for a half day trip to Cu Chi Tunnel. A site you should never miss, if in Saigon they say. Tunnels of the Vietcongs, sprawling for hundreds of metres underground. Amazing structures, and I admire their war skills andstrategies. You wonder less how they won the war, observing their technology , intelligence, and spirit. (Right picture: various booby traps). I was amazed. Somewhat, the experience made you more patriotic.

One entrance to tunnel. So tiny, I didn't attempt to go down. I know I'd get stuck.

Highlights of the trip for us: trying the AK47 (see picture), and the finale - going underground. You have to try the tunnel. The one opened to tourists. It's wider than the other tunnels. If you can't cope with it, there are exists at every 30m. Hubby and I made it till the end. But it was one of the scariest experience of my life. I have tried a few extreme sports, and contemplated caving (spelunking) once upon a time. But considering I am claustrophobic, I ditched the idea (as it may involved crawling and squeezing in tight tunnels). But being in Cu Chi Tunnel, we didn't want to loose the opportunity. At it's entrance, I was a bit daunted. The smell of musty clay, darkness ahead, and thoughts of suffocation, I was tempted to forgo it. But there were plenty of people behind us, it would have been embarrassing to back out. I made sure we were among the first, I didn't want to get stuck behind a lot of people. Too afraid that I wouldn't be able to breath underground. We were behind 8 people, and infront of over 30 people. As we enter, tunnel was wide enough for us to walk. Nope, we ran it - of course bending slightly (see picture on the right hs). I ran not trying to show off but it was SCARY. I didn't want to be left behind, it was TOO DARK. I couldn't see infront. I thought I lost people in front of me, and kept yelling to them of where to go. There were smaller tunnels on the sides, I didn't want to get lost. NO WAY. I heard shouts from the front telling where to go, but weren't sure where they were coming from. Especially when there were tunnels on the side, they seem to come from the smaller tunnels. "Straight.. straight.." I heard them, and I followed on. At some points, I wondered why the guys in front of me kept changing. Their faces were different. I didn't bother. I just wanted to move on and get out of the place. There were exits, but I didn't want to give up yet. But as we went further, the tunnel gets smaller. After certain points, you either have to climb up, or go further down. We started from running (bended) to squatting to finally crawling. When we got out, hubby was far behind, there were two tourists in front of me with the guide. That came as a surprise. I asked them, "where are we?" They said, "I think we made it all the way." We smiled. And felt a lot of relieve. Then I heard, "B, where are you? where are you?" In my fear, I left my husband way behind. So much for the "we're in this together" bit. I shouted into the tunnel, "just go straight.. straight...". "Where, where?" I can hear fear in his voice (and perhaps, sadness, that his wife left him). "Straight, straight." I was a little worried, cause there was a smaller tunnel not far off, but was relieved to see his head bopping out of the tunnel. Few minutes later, there were a few other people. Then it stopped. Outside there were others walking towards us. Those who had given up. In fact out of almost 40 of us, only less than 10 of us made it to the end. It was definitely a scary experience: not knowing where you are going, in the darkness, sometimes alone. I salute the Vietcongs for their bravery. I will never forget Cu Chi Tunnel. Not only it left me admiring the Vietcongs, but got me reflecting and soul-searching. I won't leave my husband again even if I am that afraid.

Squatting point. Light in front indicating an exit point. If you can't take it, go out now.

.... (more later)...