It takes GUTTS to fight on

The last few weeks have been interesting. I got to open my eyes. I found out and figured the fakes and the genuines. Like branded leather bags, the fakes lose their softness after a while. Ofcourse some, are totally stiff from the start. You just have to learn to distinct between the fakes, replica, inaunthentics with genuine and real ones. They are usually not difficult if you learn to master the detection process. So yes, I got to know who my true and good friends are, and who revolves around me to make my (career) life hell. It's okay. Rezeki di tangan Tuhan, and God knows the truth.

To be honest, when it comes to career now, it's a laugh. The performance appraisal is out, and I'm yet to fill them in. My plans for development, ... let me see... It's sickening really. Do they even bother to read? Or there are just too many of us. That's not a good excuse. Indeed, it's a competitive world, to be listened to or to be even reviewed. I'm all for competition, but let's be healthy. And why compete, when we can ally. Unfortunately, synergy is not essential in backstabing organization.

Sometimes, you put your best. Oh yes, I think I've contributed a lot in the last one year (forget the last few years), but do they care? I do wonder. It's frustrating to see that some people (with titles) who just knows how to delegate and not even 'turun padang' get promoted or seen as fascinating and high calibred. And some of them, are 'si-tau' yet if you asked them deep, they don't know sh*t. Whilst, some of us, who put our hearts into it, even do the dirty jobs, never question how much money we've put in to make some tasks successful (as if we can ever get budgets for these), be creative, and so forth, don't get the support you asked for. Some of us don't get promoted. We don't even understand on what grounds some people got theirs. On a case by case basis? Do they even understand the meaning of that? Then they asked you not to give up. They are simply talking bulls. Either playing dumb or really stu**d. Not forgetting - myopic in thoughts and perspectives. Sad that people with responsibilities donot put their BEST-est to develop us to the fullest. Unfortunately some of us don't know how to lick *ss, well, it's not our principle; and some of us are too honest, but honesty doesn't pay.

I'm angry. Yes. For me and for others in similar situations. Ah, so much for Tunas Bangsa. But there's a new boss in town. Hope is there. Amin. As what I've seen him, he's mad (in a good way), enthusiastic, tough, solution-oriented, network-minded, and I believe strategical. Not to say the former wasn't. It takes gutts to steer, drive and produce changes. I think he has that. I'm giving my utmost support. I'm ready to embrace changes. No matter how drastic it will be. If it's all for genuine intentions.

Another P... positive

Well, I had planned to run the 21k this sunday. Only that I won't be. I'd just be sitting down, and absorbing the atmosphere, waiting for the soul-mate to finish his run in 2 hours. I wanted to do the 5, but I learnt there were less than 20 when I wanted to register, and they sounded young and brutal. As much it would have been a fun run, I didn't want to finish too far behind from the rest. I need to have a steady heart rate, if I join. It's not a good idea anyway. I'll feel pressured not to run faster. I might over heat, so nevermind, there'll be a next time. A bit frustrating that I missed the last Brunei marathon, and this one now. It's okay.

Yes, I've lost weight from going back to running and weight training - 6 kilos to be exact. I needed another 5k to go back to pre-marital size. It's been difficult, but was determined.

I am still determined, but I've been reminded not to go on a diet at the moment. In fact, my running has stopped. My exercising faltered slightly. I still dance every so often, and do a bit of weights. I have the tendency to go rigorous, causing my heart to beat faster (than it should). I must not go a maximum of 70% mhr. But most times, it did. This tires me easily. In fact, I get exhausted so easily these days, from doing nothing.

Anyway, am little frustrated that I've not reached my target weight yet. It'll not be until end of the first quarter next year I'd re-start my weight-loss programme. This wasn't planned. Not at all. I was not ready, not another 3 years. But like I said God works in mysterious way. He took away one good thing, and replace with something more beautiful, InsyaAllah.

Hah... Bali has done its effects.

Alhamdulillah :)

P on the highway

No kidding. He must had had a gallon in there by the angle and amount of flow.

You might find this sickening, but I got to mention it. It's a rarity we get people doing their business right on the side of the highway and CLEARLY visible IN Brunei. I mean this was just less than a kilo from Jerudong Park. By the look of his face, he wasn't drunk. Yup, we stared at each other and no, 'it' didn't stop. He looked more RELIEVED, a little confused, and possibly bemused that I stared at his face, and erm... lucky not his weapon. He did look like an ex, but NO, it wasn't him, and I'm sure the ex would never have done that. Yeh, put him on an identity parade, no doubt I can pinpoint this guy. I mean he was just a few metres away. He parked his car on the side, and did his thing right beside it. Ok, good thing he put his car signal on, ofcourse not on emergency.

(Picture opposite is not the actual photo, I didn't have a camera on me. source: http://farm1.static.flickr.com)

Like I said, he didn't look intoxicated. He must have been desperate that he just couldn't control it, and had to let go there and then. But as a man he could have gone into the bushes. There weren't any really. Okay, the very least he could have covered himself with his car door. I wouldn't have noticed it from afar, even if I was wondering what kind of sprinkler was coming from the car.

Maybe he had driven from Belait. I'm not justifying his action. Think about it. There's no service station (with loos) you can get to on this 100km ride from that district. Well, except that Telisai Filling Station, they've an okay restroom you could use. I frequent this cubicle, ever so often on my way down to or up from Belait. That's only if you knew it exist. It happened by chance, in my case, sometime ago.


When I'm desperate and had passed Telisai, I do wonder if that Royal Brunei Police Highway Patrol Post has got a portable loo I could use. Never stopped to ask. Maybe that's it, put public toilets at the same spot; maybe those coin-operated and self-cleaned ones like they have in Europe. I mean if we placed them nearby the Police post, who'd dare to vandalise it. No, it's not the duty of the Police Officers stationed there to man the toilet; that's not their job of course. We just need their presence. Not just to stop potential vandalism, but any peeping Tom we girls afraid of. Just a thought.


(pic source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/...)

Have I P.O-ed a lot of people?

Ah, that's a great question I guess never will be answered. I must have, I believed. Do I care? Yes, I do. Must I apologize? I'm thinking - should I apologize for what I believe in? For what should have been my right?

I was talking to SOMEbody this morning. Well, he's only a messenger. He delivered what needed to be delivered to me. Not a GREAT news. I should have been told much earlier. But how would they convey it nicely to me? I guess they've to wait till I 'hantar' diri. I didn't quite finished and I was interrupted. I knew what it meant.

I didn't shed a tear, even if I wanted to. I was utterly dismayed, disappointed. But, I wasn't really taken aback by the news. I mean this heart, this brain has received too many bullets and missiles over the last few months. In fact, since late last year. What's another bomb, right?

Yes, I've toughened up a little bit. No, I'm not angry. It's not anybody's fault but me. I'm not going to point fingers at others. Cause it was one mistake I made 5 years back. No, that wasn't a mistake at all. It was a miscalculation. Now thought about it again, the miscalculation was not 5 years back. It was way back December 1998. All because I didn't like disappointing a particular person. So, the blame is on me. For ALWAYS putting others over me. I never like to say NO even if it meant it'll cause me terribly. Be it family, friends, acquaintance, work.

But could it also be karma? I hurt too many people in the process. One, two, three, yeh! more than one. They must have been praying for me to live guiltily forever. I do hope they'd find in their heart to forgive me.

Then again, GOD works wonder! Does things in mysterious ways. It's incredible and amazing actually. I'm not going into details on this. But Alhamdullilah, I saw the setback of last November. Thank God, it happened. Otherwise, ... Now, this - today. I guess, I have to preservere. There must be something totally beautiful beyond this. Amin.

This was Plan B. Plan A failed. Plan A, Plan B now out of the way. I don't have Plan C. Too confident Plan B would worked. It was supposed to work. I was given the green lights. Yes, a little misled. But it's okay. Now, back to drawing board for Plan C. Gotta kill me to make me quit trying. Cause I'm too young to quit.

But maybe a getaway again, before I pen my plan C. Where to? Any suggestions?

(image source: www.pitt.edu)

Hidden talents

Once upon a time, I remember I was back in England and we were suggesting on restoring the Dermaga - such a historic building. I can visualize what happened in there, then. I remembered vividly getting a ferry to Labuan from there. Hectic. Scary. Nice. Anyway, I heard they are re-opening this place again. I'm unsure into what, but rumor has it that it'll be an Art Gallery. Interesting. But I'm not too sure about it, depends on what kinds of arts they are talking about. Still photos, oil paintings, sculptures... I don't know. It is good to showcase local and foreign talents. We've aplenty.

I believe, there's more we can do to make BSB centre alive again. Yayasan Complex - that Royal Icon, has a lot to offer to complement the new Cultural Village (I'm very looking forward to this village) and the Dermaga. The river-side - great things can be done; I know and I've seen some beautiful plans done by one lady. Hope somewhat, they'll materialize. Yes, we have to move forward. Yet we re-live the past. Differently, maybe. History and heritage have to be remembered somehow. Anyway, these aren't what I really want to talk about in this entry.

Alai Jimat - the mascot
I was at TAP's 15th Anniversary Celebration at Rizqun yesterday. I was fuzzled at first as I flipped through their programme book (see opposite picture). At a glance, I saw what I thought looked like a ' green tong-gas' (gas cylinder) in their programme book. What on earth is the tong gas doing in TAP's programme. Didn't click at all initially. Duhh. Hey, I'm pretty sure if some of you had seen BLNG's or was it BSM's safety leaflet way back in the 80s or early 90s, you'd sense some familiarity and similarity. I have a poor eyesight, must admit to that. I guess my eyes were playing tricks on me, and I automatically went into pictorial association mode, and filled in the gap. Actually, it's TAP's mascot - Alai Jimat (the bamboo tabung), part of TAP's financial planning campaign for school kids. I had a giggle with a colleague discovering my honest mistake. I did get a sense of the mascot after. Yeh, it makes sense.

But what really caught my attention, and other's I believe, was the musical act performed by SMS School students (formerly PDS). Incredible and entertaining. Talented young kids. I didn't get the chance to take a video of it, must have been on the News last night. Yup, not all of them are Bruneians, but the few Bruneians in there are just good. The props are amazing. I'm proud that a school is able to that.

This is what I really want to say. We have to open up a centre that can help nurture these young talents at a national level. Not just the very young, the young adults, or adults who are really into performance arts, stage arts, theatrics (contemporary, traditional, classical - what ever sorts); they should have a place where their talents could be harnessed and developed. Not some place where they just learn and train (I know we do have that at Min. of Culture, Youth and Sports building in Berakas), but really this would be their 'home.' Somewhere they can perform to the public every now and then. Perhaps, on weekends. The public then can come and be entertained. The performers get their talents appreciated, and get paid as well. The public can co-financed through entry fees. Private firms can sponsor. We don't need to wait for special occasions to see them showcasing their talents. We have the weekends or even weeknights if possible. At least I have extra places to bring my kids in the weekend. At least tourists have some place at nights to info/entertain. With the right talents and managers, these would be possible. If a school could do that, a ministry (CYS) can too. TUNAS BANGSA.

Injustice to Brunei ladies

A 'Brunei woman' doll sold at The Mall

Creativity is one thing, and I absolutely love the idea of selling dolls of Brunei women for souvenirs. But then, let's give justice to the average us, Bruneian lasses. We don't really look like that, right? Let tourists be reminded of a little beauty lah. Blonde hair some more, haha. I was blonde once, but to represent us like this is a little skewed. I can appreciate the songket, but don't over do it. We do have some dress sense. Be fair lah sikit, we don't want people to go home and think of us as one of The Muppets.

Just remember, you want to sell Brunei, do a little marketing. Beauty sells. Even if it exaggerates slightly, why not? At least we can stick to being the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasure as in unexpected beauty. Plus, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe on average, we do have a lot of pretty women.

Struggling to respond

We've been down for over a week now. We asked some of our clients who didn't give us their e-mails to contact us electronically. As they were, the system broke down. I've tried e-mailing myself in the hope it'll bounce back. Nope, nothing. Meaning our clients wouldn't know if we never get their e-mails. So much for TPOR. Time for plan B. Problem with plan B, too slow. Hopefully, whenever they manage to solve this, we can retrieve the e-mails sent. Responding to these accumulating e-mails will be another issue (hopefully not in their hundreds, like hubby receives daily!). Better late then never, right? May not please the customers.

(pic source: www.ondisruption.com)