Soulsearching

It's almost end of the year. So, I'm wishing all the best wishes to everyone:

Have a joyful Christmas to those celebrating.

A prosperous and harmonious new Hijrah 1430 to Muslims all over.

A brilliant New Year 2010 to everyone.


I'd like to thank those who had supported me all this while.

But for a temporary time, I will be gone from blogging. I need time to re-charge my life, my thoughts, my views, my vision. Call it re-strategizing and re-engineering my resolutions.

I will be back... sometime in the new year. Refreshed.

Take good care everyone, take comfort with all the good things we have in life :)

FirstAid a requirement

I had to take my child for a GP review last Thursday at the local clinic. I couldn't escape from work until half three. I reached the clinic just before 4pm. To my surprise there were still quite a number of people waiting. The many people waiting was an unusual case. At that late time.

No one was attending the reception. A notice said they were closed. "Great", I thought. But a staff saw me and after explaining to her why I was late, she gave in out of sympathy. Bless her.

Lucky for me, dad was waiting to see his doctor too. It was him who mentioned that there was an emergency in one of the treatment rooms, and all doctors were attending to it. His appointment had to be abruptly stopped temporary for his doctor to take the emergency call. So, the waiting didn't bother me.

Dad got called back in, and cheeky of him, took my daughter along to get reviewed. I must admit I felt guilty, but it saved my time; I let him be. I am only human.

While waiting for my driver to pick us up (I was unwell and safety comes first - I had to be driven), I had the chance to talk to the clerks and nurses. They told me of the emergency. Sadly, despite everyone's efforts, a young child lost his life after choking on rambutan.

My condolence goes to the family. I'm writing here NOT to add salt to their wound, but as a parent myself I feel for them. I don't know where it went wrong, but the child was alone with their domestic helper. Parents were working.

This could happen to any of us. Most of us are working parents and having to leave our child in the hands of our helpers at home. Forget our helpers, even many of us parents do not know how to handle emergency situations.

Just earlier this year, I was requesting a colleague to put me on the list if they were to hold a workshop on FirstAid. I've not been called yet. I've also had at the back of my mind to send my home helpers for First Aid courses, if they were available. This recent incident call for urgent attention.

I'm blogging to request the Ministry of Health to establish First Aid trainings for the public, and for domestic helpers and drivers. They could charge us a fee. The employers will pay for their employees.

Perhaps also, the Labour Department could impose some kind of policy to ensuring domestic helpers have the most basic training of first aid, and Health and Safety (including handling fire, exiting premises, etc). The latter should be done in coroperation with the Fire Brigade.

If these are established, please make sure that registration are easily accessible (possibly on-line) and the public are aware of the trainings.

It's not easy...

But who says it won't be difficult? I must have lived in fantasy world when I first thought things will all be plain sailing. No storms, no rough tides...

Haha... I must have been kidding myself. Nevermind. We all learnt from what crosses our life path. This is why I kept coming back to my theme song (You Gotta be - Desree) when I was an undergraduate. God knows where I kept my CD singles. I've a big collection of them then. I got to look for them. Stashed somewhere. At least Youtube's around to play this all time favourite of mine. Dedicated to you all, feeling the way I feel. We just have to be strong and tough.





Well, it's been a month since I last posted. I didn't even post anything worth reading in the last few months. I'm just not thinking... I'm unsure whether it's plain boredom or just out of ideas. The first is more likely. There are many to talk about, but to pen them or rather key them in here is something that requires time. I just don't have that recently. Bogged down with jobs. Even I can't finish my tasks at work, let alone trying to play around here.

Yup, I'm pretty much behind schedule with my usual project. Plenty of things to be done. I've hands to help, but this is really busy time of the year, everyone is trying to finish their own projects. Asking for help, ofcourse doesn't mean I'm incapable, just that it makes me feel guilty. Cause some people can't say no to you, when they are not sincere to help. So, I let myself handle those tasks alone. I'll get them done soon, I hope. They need to be, anyway.

I was PO-ed with a colleague the other day (been sometime, just before raya actually). Sometime early august she was avoiding me whenever i asked her when we should begin 'our' project. After a while, she diplomatically said she's passed me to do some administrative tasks only - and that should be sometime next year. That was not part of the plan. So basically, she has 'politely' taken me off THE project team. I was annoyed, but somewhat accepted that. It wasn't the end of the world.

But then suddenly just before raya when pressed by 'her' client, she came smiling and oh!so friendly. Asking me to produce a proposal for the project URGENTLY. Too bad for her - I've not bothered at all doing the proposal till now. As far as I'm concern, I am not in her 'team'.

I bumped into her yesterday, and she looked PO-ed with me. Do I care? No. Well, what can I say... Life's a bitch. If you can't beat them, join them.

(God forgives me...)

Maaf Zahir Batin

Wishing everyone a wonderful Eidul Fitri 1429. May Allah Bless Us All.

Best wishes,
Winx

Selling Apples

19 apple macbooks sold between $100-$400 ain't that much but tells us of a desperate criminal. Equivalent to a profit between $1900-$7600. Too little, to waste court's time, police and investigation time, school's administration time, and his time of 19 months in jail. Ofcourse, these had to be done. Crime needs to be stopped. I can sense emotions and anger in his victims, $400 max is a lot to each of them having their purchase confiscated (and perhaps returned to the School after a while). It's not just the time crime costed, but efforts, emotions and funds involved. Obviously, that equated to more than the $7,600 profit he 'made.'

Didn't think he'd get caught. Penetrated a crime in a school known to have some disciplinary issues with students. Who would have taught a teacher would do it, students would have been the culprits. But like they say "sepandai-pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua." I wonder what he's thinking now. I wonder how he rationalized and justified his behaviour.

Lost his teachership and trust. Lost his job at such a young age. Does he have a family - a wife and kids? Wonder how they cope with the embarassment. He is supposed to be a model. He is a teacher. But he detriment the image of the profession.

Is this another case of easy money? What on earth is happening to our morality. Are we becoming a materialistic and money-oriented society? What's wrong with us? Why do we succumb to all these pressures? Is life that hard that being deviant is the chosen action? I'm sitting down thinking how we could correct our unethical minds ...

Another level

Now, we have a Bruneian caught in Chile for drug smuggling. That's taken us to another level.

It's no longer okay for us to think that the number of drug-users and drug-traficker are relatively small in comparison to the population (based on stats from NCB). We have to take urgent precaution. We ALL have to take actions, not just NCB.

It's 15 packets of coke. 5.73kg - that's more than the biggest bag of Breeze (or washing powder) available in the supermarket. That's not a tiny amount to play with. That's enough to penetrate more than a whole secondary school to go bonkers. Scary. Sickening. Silly.

Thank God he's caught. It's a shame. It's even a shame if he is anak melayu (stats indicate there are more malays involve in drug-usage, I'm not sure with drug-traficking).

I do wonder the profile of this kid. Is he employed? Is he (highly) educated? What is his background. How did he all started? I'm sure NCB is working on this.

I wish to congratulate those concern for managing to catch this guy. I wonder what's his punishment. He sure is making history, but not in a good way.

let's all say no to drug -usage, and traficking!

Moving on

I contemplated on what I written in the last post. Have I just jeopardised my chances of promotions? Perhaps. Would I even be considered for my 'appeal'? Not very likely.

So I thought... should I remove it? My mind says if I was to save my career, I should.

Well, I want to save my career. My livelihood depends on it. But if I remove my post, I'd be one of those who shrink under pressure. I don't want to be one of them. The truth must be out. If we were ever to move on and develop. The way I see it, we should be able to accept crititism. I stand by it, no matter how much it hurts. It's what make us stronger.

Some would argue, don't just talk about the issues and problems, we got to solve them. Contribute with solutions, then they'd be progressive, positive and constructive.

So here I am with a solution to my problem. I would be writing it to them, who ever is concern and authoritative. I know where the problem lies, but penalising, discouraging and stopping me (with no hard facts, and black and white) from finishing what I need to get done would not solve anything. Would also be a waste of everyone's resources, time and effort in the long run. I'm no longer asking for answers to the why not. I am appealing to them to give me what I need. Not without condition. If I come out successful with the project on the proposed timeline, don't penalise me. Otherwise, I'm willing to pay back every cents spent on my proposal.

It's risky and drastic. Give us (not just me) that chance, and we'll put our very best. There is no reason why we should fail to deliver. History taught us well. We may sound selfish, but the success and product of our projects will permeate nationwide. It would be of everyone's good, and not just us - ourselves. Let's have an open mind.

It takes GUTTS to fight on

The last few weeks have been interesting. I got to open my eyes. I found out and figured the fakes and the genuines. Like branded leather bags, the fakes lose their softness after a while. Ofcourse some, are totally stiff from the start. You just have to learn to distinct between the fakes, replica, inaunthentics with genuine and real ones. They are usually not difficult if you learn to master the detection process. So yes, I got to know who my true and good friends are, and who revolves around me to make my (career) life hell. It's okay. Rezeki di tangan Tuhan, and God knows the truth.

To be honest, when it comes to career now, it's a laugh. The performance appraisal is out, and I'm yet to fill them in. My plans for development, ... let me see... It's sickening really. Do they even bother to read? Or there are just too many of us. That's not a good excuse. Indeed, it's a competitive world, to be listened to or to be even reviewed. I'm all for competition, but let's be healthy. And why compete, when we can ally. Unfortunately, synergy is not essential in backstabing organization.

Sometimes, you put your best. Oh yes, I think I've contributed a lot in the last one year (forget the last few years), but do they care? I do wonder. It's frustrating to see that some people (with titles) who just knows how to delegate and not even 'turun padang' get promoted or seen as fascinating and high calibred. And some of them, are 'si-tau' yet if you asked them deep, they don't know sh*t. Whilst, some of us, who put our hearts into it, even do the dirty jobs, never question how much money we've put in to make some tasks successful (as if we can ever get budgets for these), be creative, and so forth, don't get the support you asked for. Some of us don't get promoted. We don't even understand on what grounds some people got theirs. On a case by case basis? Do they even understand the meaning of that? Then they asked you not to give up. They are simply talking bulls. Either playing dumb or really stu**d. Not forgetting - myopic in thoughts and perspectives. Sad that people with responsibilities donot put their BEST-est to develop us to the fullest. Unfortunately some of us don't know how to lick *ss, well, it's not our principle; and some of us are too honest, but honesty doesn't pay.

I'm angry. Yes. For me and for others in similar situations. Ah, so much for Tunas Bangsa. But there's a new boss in town. Hope is there. Amin. As what I've seen him, he's mad (in a good way), enthusiastic, tough, solution-oriented, network-minded, and I believe strategical. Not to say the former wasn't. It takes gutts to steer, drive and produce changes. I think he has that. I'm giving my utmost support. I'm ready to embrace changes. No matter how drastic it will be. If it's all for genuine intentions.

Another P... positive

Well, I had planned to run the 21k this sunday. Only that I won't be. I'd just be sitting down, and absorbing the atmosphere, waiting for the soul-mate to finish his run in 2 hours. I wanted to do the 5, but I learnt there were less than 20 when I wanted to register, and they sounded young and brutal. As much it would have been a fun run, I didn't want to finish too far behind from the rest. I need to have a steady heart rate, if I join. It's not a good idea anyway. I'll feel pressured not to run faster. I might over heat, so nevermind, there'll be a next time. A bit frustrating that I missed the last Brunei marathon, and this one now. It's okay.

Yes, I've lost weight from going back to running and weight training - 6 kilos to be exact. I needed another 5k to go back to pre-marital size. It's been difficult, but was determined.

I am still determined, but I've been reminded not to go on a diet at the moment. In fact, my running has stopped. My exercising faltered slightly. I still dance every so often, and do a bit of weights. I have the tendency to go rigorous, causing my heart to beat faster (than it should). I must not go a maximum of 70% mhr. But most times, it did. This tires me easily. In fact, I get exhausted so easily these days, from doing nothing.

Anyway, am little frustrated that I've not reached my target weight yet. It'll not be until end of the first quarter next year I'd re-start my weight-loss programme. This wasn't planned. Not at all. I was not ready, not another 3 years. But like I said God works in mysterious way. He took away one good thing, and replace with something more beautiful, InsyaAllah.

Hah... Bali has done its effects.

Alhamdulillah :)

P on the highway

No kidding. He must had had a gallon in there by the angle and amount of flow.

You might find this sickening, but I got to mention it. It's a rarity we get people doing their business right on the side of the highway and CLEARLY visible IN Brunei. I mean this was just less than a kilo from Jerudong Park. By the look of his face, he wasn't drunk. Yup, we stared at each other and no, 'it' didn't stop. He looked more RELIEVED, a little confused, and possibly bemused that I stared at his face, and erm... lucky not his weapon. He did look like an ex, but NO, it wasn't him, and I'm sure the ex would never have done that. Yeh, put him on an identity parade, no doubt I can pinpoint this guy. I mean he was just a few metres away. He parked his car on the side, and did his thing right beside it. Ok, good thing he put his car signal on, ofcourse not on emergency.

(Picture opposite is not the actual photo, I didn't have a camera on me. source: http://farm1.static.flickr.com)

Like I said, he didn't look intoxicated. He must have been desperate that he just couldn't control it, and had to let go there and then. But as a man he could have gone into the bushes. There weren't any really. Okay, the very least he could have covered himself with his car door. I wouldn't have noticed it from afar, even if I was wondering what kind of sprinkler was coming from the car.

Maybe he had driven from Belait. I'm not justifying his action. Think about it. There's no service station (with loos) you can get to on this 100km ride from that district. Well, except that Telisai Filling Station, they've an okay restroom you could use. I frequent this cubicle, ever so often on my way down to or up from Belait. That's only if you knew it exist. It happened by chance, in my case, sometime ago.


When I'm desperate and had passed Telisai, I do wonder if that Royal Brunei Police Highway Patrol Post has got a portable loo I could use. Never stopped to ask. Maybe that's it, put public toilets at the same spot; maybe those coin-operated and self-cleaned ones like they have in Europe. I mean if we placed them nearby the Police post, who'd dare to vandalise it. No, it's not the duty of the Police Officers stationed there to man the toilet; that's not their job of course. We just need their presence. Not just to stop potential vandalism, but any peeping Tom we girls afraid of. Just a thought.


(pic source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/...)

Have I P.O-ed a lot of people?

Ah, that's a great question I guess never will be answered. I must have, I believed. Do I care? Yes, I do. Must I apologize? I'm thinking - should I apologize for what I believe in? For what should have been my right?

I was talking to SOMEbody this morning. Well, he's only a messenger. He delivered what needed to be delivered to me. Not a GREAT news. I should have been told much earlier. But how would they convey it nicely to me? I guess they've to wait till I 'hantar' diri. I didn't quite finished and I was interrupted. I knew what it meant.

I didn't shed a tear, even if I wanted to. I was utterly dismayed, disappointed. But, I wasn't really taken aback by the news. I mean this heart, this brain has received too many bullets and missiles over the last few months. In fact, since late last year. What's another bomb, right?

Yes, I've toughened up a little bit. No, I'm not angry. It's not anybody's fault but me. I'm not going to point fingers at others. Cause it was one mistake I made 5 years back. No, that wasn't a mistake at all. It was a miscalculation. Now thought about it again, the miscalculation was not 5 years back. It was way back December 1998. All because I didn't like disappointing a particular person. So, the blame is on me. For ALWAYS putting others over me. I never like to say NO even if it meant it'll cause me terribly. Be it family, friends, acquaintance, work.

But could it also be karma? I hurt too many people in the process. One, two, three, yeh! more than one. They must have been praying for me to live guiltily forever. I do hope they'd find in their heart to forgive me.

Then again, GOD works wonder! Does things in mysterious ways. It's incredible and amazing actually. I'm not going into details on this. But Alhamdullilah, I saw the setback of last November. Thank God, it happened. Otherwise, ... Now, this - today. I guess, I have to preservere. There must be something totally beautiful beyond this. Amin.

This was Plan B. Plan A failed. Plan A, Plan B now out of the way. I don't have Plan C. Too confident Plan B would worked. It was supposed to work. I was given the green lights. Yes, a little misled. But it's okay. Now, back to drawing board for Plan C. Gotta kill me to make me quit trying. Cause I'm too young to quit.

But maybe a getaway again, before I pen my plan C. Where to? Any suggestions?

(image source: www.pitt.edu)

Hidden talents

Once upon a time, I remember I was back in England and we were suggesting on restoring the Dermaga - such a historic building. I can visualize what happened in there, then. I remembered vividly getting a ferry to Labuan from there. Hectic. Scary. Nice. Anyway, I heard they are re-opening this place again. I'm unsure into what, but rumor has it that it'll be an Art Gallery. Interesting. But I'm not too sure about it, depends on what kinds of arts they are talking about. Still photos, oil paintings, sculptures... I don't know. It is good to showcase local and foreign talents. We've aplenty.

I believe, there's more we can do to make BSB centre alive again. Yayasan Complex - that Royal Icon, has a lot to offer to complement the new Cultural Village (I'm very looking forward to this village) and the Dermaga. The river-side - great things can be done; I know and I've seen some beautiful plans done by one lady. Hope somewhat, they'll materialize. Yes, we have to move forward. Yet we re-live the past. Differently, maybe. History and heritage have to be remembered somehow. Anyway, these aren't what I really want to talk about in this entry.

Alai Jimat - the mascot
I was at TAP's 15th Anniversary Celebration at Rizqun yesterday. I was fuzzled at first as I flipped through their programme book (see opposite picture). At a glance, I saw what I thought looked like a ' green tong-gas' (gas cylinder) in their programme book. What on earth is the tong gas doing in TAP's programme. Didn't click at all initially. Duhh. Hey, I'm pretty sure if some of you had seen BLNG's or was it BSM's safety leaflet way back in the 80s or early 90s, you'd sense some familiarity and similarity. I have a poor eyesight, must admit to that. I guess my eyes were playing tricks on me, and I automatically went into pictorial association mode, and filled in the gap. Actually, it's TAP's mascot - Alai Jimat (the bamboo tabung), part of TAP's financial planning campaign for school kids. I had a giggle with a colleague discovering my honest mistake. I did get a sense of the mascot after. Yeh, it makes sense.

But what really caught my attention, and other's I believe, was the musical act performed by SMS School students (formerly PDS). Incredible and entertaining. Talented young kids. I didn't get the chance to take a video of it, must have been on the News last night. Yup, not all of them are Bruneians, but the few Bruneians in there are just good. The props are amazing. I'm proud that a school is able to that.

This is what I really want to say. We have to open up a centre that can help nurture these young talents at a national level. Not just the very young, the young adults, or adults who are really into performance arts, stage arts, theatrics (contemporary, traditional, classical - what ever sorts); they should have a place where their talents could be harnessed and developed. Not some place where they just learn and train (I know we do have that at Min. of Culture, Youth and Sports building in Berakas), but really this would be their 'home.' Somewhere they can perform to the public every now and then. Perhaps, on weekends. The public then can come and be entertained. The performers get their talents appreciated, and get paid as well. The public can co-financed through entry fees. Private firms can sponsor. We don't need to wait for special occasions to see them showcasing their talents. We have the weekends or even weeknights if possible. At least I have extra places to bring my kids in the weekend. At least tourists have some place at nights to info/entertain. With the right talents and managers, these would be possible. If a school could do that, a ministry (CYS) can too. TUNAS BANGSA.

Injustice to Brunei ladies

A 'Brunei woman' doll sold at The Mall

Creativity is one thing, and I absolutely love the idea of selling dolls of Brunei women for souvenirs. But then, let's give justice to the average us, Bruneian lasses. We don't really look like that, right? Let tourists be reminded of a little beauty lah. Blonde hair some more, haha. I was blonde once, but to represent us like this is a little skewed. I can appreciate the songket, but don't over do it. We do have some dress sense. Be fair lah sikit, we don't want people to go home and think of us as one of The Muppets.

Just remember, you want to sell Brunei, do a little marketing. Beauty sells. Even if it exaggerates slightly, why not? At least we can stick to being the Kingdom of Unexpected Treasure as in unexpected beauty. Plus, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe on average, we do have a lot of pretty women.

Struggling to respond

We've been down for over a week now. We asked some of our clients who didn't give us their e-mails to contact us electronically. As they were, the system broke down. I've tried e-mailing myself in the hope it'll bounce back. Nope, nothing. Meaning our clients wouldn't know if we never get their e-mails. So much for TPOR. Time for plan B. Problem with plan B, too slow. Hopefully, whenever they manage to solve this, we can retrieve the e-mails sent. Responding to these accumulating e-mails will be another issue (hopefully not in their hundreds, like hubby receives daily!). Better late then never, right? May not please the customers.

(pic source: www.ondisruption.com)

Road rage, and my anger

It's school holidays. Great! No traffic jams. Parents leave later to work. I can never get holidays when the kids are. My deputy booked the holiday earlier, and I don't have anybody to 'jaga our kadai'. I do get to go to work late. Sorry Boss! Confession, confession, confession: I do feel really bad and guilty about it. But there's only so many hours in a day. I try make up with lots of thinking at home. No, I just don't stop thinking, one of those Type A people. Hah.

It's funny when we talk about thinking. Sometimes you get really angry. We can't help emotions sometimes. I must admit I've not been truly positive about a lot of things. We have to have reality check sometimes, right? When things don't go right or the way we want it to be, we do have our moments. But we learn from those negativities. We should.

I went to Miri just last weekend. To finish off my leave. It was an impromptu thing. The last time I went there was March 2006, for work. My, they have a flyover already in the middle of the city. Just over one year and things are developing. Ticked my nerves. Why can't we do the same? We've expanded our road in Gadong, but still a cross-road, with traffic lights. What's wrong with a little advancement. Our car population is increasing, why can't we anticipate for something way ahead, and stop traffic jam before it even begins? I just don't get it. I'm not a planner, not an engineer, but I think it can be done. Not easy, yes. But it can be done. I remember doing a group project in US-time on Brunei road transport system (and yes we got to go to Bangkok for that!), it was amazing that between the 50s and late 80s, we were doing a lot of improvement on our road network. I'm not saying after that we haven't. We have, we've seen them, but just not too visible enough for many of us to signify, "we're where we should be". I don't know, really. Maybe I'm wrong. I know there are lots of upgrading on rural roads, and border road systems. But the main ones, like the highways are still frustrating. Or in between highways and by-passes. What's more frustrating are those highways with U-turns.

Why do we have U-turns on highways? Why can't we have alternatives like overbridges, underbridges, accommodation bridges, underpasses or whatever road-planners and engineers call it. These are costly, and go beyond budget? What about the cost of people's lives (and the cost to their families and friends and whatsoever cost can be linked to e.g productivity cost of that person should they stay alive longer, or stay uninjured), aren't these costs counted in when calculating for the 'safest and efficient road.' Then we say these people who lost their lives are of their own fault. They don't adhere to road rules and regulations. Well, how many percent of all traffic accidents are purely the fault of the road users, and not aggravated by the conditions of our road? Even road rage can be attributed from frustration being on the road, and not entirely a character thing.

but lucky we don't have these MAGIC roundabouts

Then you got those weird roundabouts with extra side-exits (slip-lanes?). How the he*l do we use them? I don't bl**dy understand these ones, e.g. the ones in Beribi - right infront of Sumbangsih Mulia. Cause I never come across them before. I've been on multiple roundabouts (UK), but with the same principle as the sole roundabout (with 3, 4 or 5 exits). I've never driven in the States, if ours follow the same system. They said the roundabouts in the States are so confusing. Little wonder.

I mean which lane should you be in when you want to go straight or the third exit. Seems like everyone is using outer lane to go to the 2nd exit. This sound logical as we have the extra side exit to get onto the first exit. But how do you evade from being rammed by other road users from the 2nd and 3rd exits wanting to go to your 1st and 2nd exits? I don't get it. Plus many are still using the outer lane not just to go to the 2nd, but also the 3rd exit. Now whichever method you use, you're bound for surprises coming from your left. You truly need to slow down, even attempt to brake, which may cause the car behind you kissing your car's b*tt. Now who's bl**dy fault is that? The user for ignorance or the road-planner for creating too fancy a roundabout with no clear directions. And what is so incredibly funny is when you get to see driving instructors teaching newbies these roundabouts the wrong way.

Can planners now create a signage of which lane we should take to avoid us getting highly emotional on the road. I mean it's fine if it's just a honk, but when you get the fore-finger gesture and you see the other driver swearing at you, it doesn't feel nice at all. Especially when you think you are right. But, you think again, they might be right, too. Importantly, to avoid us from not just being emotional, but spending our hard-earned salary (either cash/credit) at the workshop. You're lucky if you are not at fault. Who acknowledges its their fault anyway, when you can't figure who's right and who's wrong!

Irrespective of the slip-lanes, I use the normal principle of the roundabout: outer lane for the nearest and second exit, and inner lane for second (inner), third (inner) and u-turn (or back to my exiting road). I made sure I indicate well (i.e. not too early, i.e. just before the exit I want to take). But again, I'm following the British highway code. I could be incredibly wrong, while thinking I'm right all these time. So, my requests:

1. road-planner (MOD), please put up some label 250 metres before the roundabout for the correct lanes to take and directions. Labeling them on the road isn't good enough (e.g. the mega-roundabout infront of Jame). Either have it way in advance or above the road.
   
2. Land Transport Department with Printing Department, perhaps can produce and publish a book/phamplet on Brunei highway code, so we can read it at our own time. Sell it a considerable cost (I can't recall how much it cost me, the British highway code; very minimal GBP2 the most)

I don't know how much these costs to the government, but I think it'll be worth it. We are all trying to save here. Save money and lives. But lives are our priority, right?

BALI-bur

Now this is another quick log.

Me surfing on tiny waves and
so UNcool wearing a helmet! Damn!

Bali was great last week. I learnt to surf. Manage to stand up (ofcourse with a beginner surfboard). I've the photos to prove them (dare I put them in here? Maybe not. Not with my face identified, just in facebook perhaps). Didn't matter, it was fun, and I got addicted to learning to surf. I have every intention to purchase a surf board and to go back to Bali for another surfing holiday. I will. I wish we've the waves for this. I could get a hang of this game.

Kuta Beach

Kuta was happening - we stayed for 5 nights there. Didn't dare go clubbing, haha. The bombsite was enough to dampen the spirit to boogie all night. But, we did see Cokelat at Hard Rock. Awesome. But Digital Band got me appreciating TRASH metal for once. The bass and lead, the drum roll were incredible. I was ready to purchase their CDs, but ofcourse at 60,000 RPH for a CD at the retail got me thinking of home, and pirate CD copies at Kadai Komunis. Should I buy or should I not? Ethics aside, at almost $10 it is a bit steep. I'm one of those who try get things for free if possible. Typical Bruneians? Not really. Regardless the nationality, we all seek for the cheapest deal. I've friends from England who'd take every opportunity to buy pirate CDs/VCDs/DVDs when they are in Asia. Who would not. Why should we feel guilty? For they make millions of dollars/pounds already. Maybe not the newcomers, but who knows about these newcomers anyway? Who watch them? We usually buy those with established names, and they are the one with the millions. So no harm done, really. Ofcourse, we make the pirate operators happy. Well, I'm happy, too. So what difference does it make. Well, plenty of difference, actually. If we think about it. I'm not going to talk about that now. I don't intend to make this log a guilt-making session. Cause I am on leave. I am FREE. I should try be free in all aspect, including guilt-FREE.

Tepi Sawah Villa and Spa

Anyway. We stayed in Ubud, the first 3 nights. Lovely place. Tranquil. Perfect for a romantic getaway. Haha. If you take that opportunity any way. Not to say we didn't ;) Stayed at Tepi Sawah Villa and Spa. Our room (Batuan Villa - cheapest of all) has a beautiful view of the sawah padi. Highly recommended, except its breakfast was pretty monotonous. The same thing almost everyday. But whatever it is, the place is awesome.

Gunung Batur

On our way back to Kuta, spent a whole day out touring. Enjoyed a morning Barung Dance by Batu Bulan villagers. Late lunch on Kintamani by Batur Volcano (lunch wasn't great, but view was amazing). Visited an 11th Century Hindu temple - Goa Gajah and Bali's holy spring - the Tirta Empul. (Damn, can't put a lot of pics here due to identifiable features. Sorry!)

Sunset at Jimbaran

They say don't leave a romantic getaway without a sunset dinner at Jimbaran. Beautiful seafood and tropical juices they claimed (a whole load of crap! If I want proper seafood, I'd still say Dragon Seafood Restaurant on Jln Baram in Miri just 15 minutes away from Marriot is the best. Unless you are in Bangkok). We did head to Jimbaran on our final night. The sunset is awesome. But they don't set on the horizon (neither the sunset at Kuta). I'd say Jerudong sunset is as beautiful or even better (so stay at The Empire Hotel main building if you are looking for a gorgeous sundown).

Bali was great, and I'd go there again. For the various 'S' holiday: Sun, Sea, Sand, Surf, and whatever S you like to include in there. RBA doesn't fly there anymore, so Air Asia is our next bet. Oops. I got to go. I've to run to our beautiful resort, the one with the gorgeous view of Punyit Isle. I hope it'll be fun. I'm not committed to talk, cause I'm on leave. It's enough to observe. Listening is what I do best, these days.

Dedicated to the man I love

Dear Baby,
It was 5 years ago when you came into my life. It's this weekend that we first talked to each other. It's next month you came to see me, proposed to me, and a month later, we got engaged. 2 months after we got married. We have had a gorgeous life together so far. Beautiful over 4 years marriage memories, cute kids, nice house, supportive families. I couldn't ask for anything else. I shouldn't. And, I would want to keep it that way forever and ever.

I dedicated to you this song when I was thousands of miles away from you then. It inspired you to create your proposal avatar; "Just a little project I worked on last evening whilst listening to Shakira's "Moscas En La Casa" .. Mis dias sin ti (Flies In the House .. Days without you)." Although, Mariah Carey's and Busta Rhymes "I know what you want" had been our theme song, and we did go to her concert during our honeymoon, and yes, we had our second child named after her (not our first, hahaha), it has always been Shakira's mis dias sin ti that reflects my heart when I am away from you. I believe the same with you.

Now that we've known each other for 5 years, these songs remain close to my heart. I look forward to forever-ness. Amin. One thing for sure, 'mis dias sin ti' is difficult, and I can't imagine being without you. I don't want to be without you. I want to spend the rest of your life with me and our kids. Just us.

Baby,
If I ever showed disinterest, I never meant to.
If I looked swayed, that's not true.
For in my heart, there's only you.
I sincerely and honestly love you. Only you.



Your wifey,
winx

P.S. Thank you for the beautiful winx.







Finally, the translation that you wanted all this while.


My days without you are so dark,
so long, so gray,
my days without you are so absurd,
so bitter, so tough,
my days without you,
My days without you don't have nights,
if someone appears,
it's useless to sleep,
my days without you are an excess,
the hours don't have a beginning, or end

so short of air,
so filled with nothing,
useless junk,
trash on the floor,
flies in the house

my days without you are like a sky,
without silvery moons,
nor traces of the sun,
my days without you are only an echo,
that always repeats,
the same song

so short of air,
so filled with nothing,
useless junk,
trash on the floor,
flies in the house

stumble on the rocks,
still i keep waiting that you'll return to me,
still i keep looking in the faces of the old,
bits of a child,
hunting reasons that make me believe,
that still i meet with life,
biting my fingernails,
drowning in my tears,
missing you so much,

my days without,
oh how they hurt, my days without you

Ya Allah
Kau peliharakanlah dan teguhkanlah ikatan kasih sayang kami berdua
Jangan kau putuskan rezeki kami;
(cinta kami, anak-anak kami, kesihatan kami, dan harta-benda kami)
Kau murahkan lagi rezeki-rezeki ini kepada kami;
Berikan kami masa selamanya untuk menyayangi sesama kami;
berikan kami kesempatan untuk memelihara, menyayangi, membesarkan anak-anak kami bersama,
agar mereka menjadi anak-anak soleh, beriman, dan berjaya;
kuatkan keimanan kami dengan cubaan-cubaan mu;
bukakan hati kami kepada jalan yang lurus;
tutupkan hati kami kepada yang buruk, yang boleh menghancurkan kasih-sayang dan rezeki-rezeki kami.
Ya Allah,
hanya Engkau tempat ku meminta
Engkau Maha Tinggi, Maha Kaya, Maha Kuasa.
Wa Sal Allahu Ala Sayidina Muhammaddin, Wa Ala Alihi, Wa Sahbihi Wa Sallam
Walhamdulillah hir-rabil Al-Amin

On a positive note

I must have exaggerated. I was having a difficult time in the last month, but, I have to say a lot of my time was involved with quite a few projects, hence the inability to update my blog, or read other people's blogs. Professionally, I have to say Alhamdulillah, berezeki.

The usual project I handled is now in its middle stage. Things had fall in the right places, and I'm grateful to my team. Particularly my secretary. He has been resourceful - young and energetic. Haven't said no to me yet, or perhaps too afraid to say no. Haha. He is like my PA; constantly reminding me of meetings and things I should be doing, more like my talking management diary. He'd even text me in the morning to remind me I should be in the office at a certain time. He's good. I'd highly recommend him. He works hard. I know the other members bully him, cause he thinks he can handle all. He tries hard to show them he can. I appreciate that. I'd like to see him delegate the tasks I assign to the other members himself, rather than me. But he's not have the gutts yet. I think he'll get it in a few years. He just need confidence and assertiveness.

Another member; she's pretty, cute, sweet and manja. She's fun as well. Actually, she's our secret weapon. We know she has the charm; no one has turn her down yet. No one. She's getting married in August. I wish her well. He must be the luckiest man on earth.

Then there's the other go-getter. She's smart, I like her brain, I like her confidence, I like her know-it-all attitude. She's got some ego, and I think she will do well in her career. She listens, that's important, even if she has a strong view over a topic.

There's also the handsome boy. We all like his carefree attitude. He's smart. He's fun. The girls are playful with him. I like to see that. Nothing kinky.

Another young member, she's the gym-goer. Like every lunch time, she is thinking of working out. She is planning to marry too. So I guess, trying to look extra good on the wedding day. I wish her well.

My deputy, he's a busy man. I think he feels a little left out. He was always my wing man, but now my new secretary is doing his job too well. I feel guilty at times, when I forgot to cc him e-mails or update him on the latest. As if he doesn't exist. But I do, every now and then. But he's my backbone, no matter what. He's there when I needed an extra brain to think.

My other deputy, he must really feel left out, or he is happier where he is. My other two members are too engaged with their personal matters, and I tolerate that. I have to understand that some people may not be available when things are rough for them on that front. Cause, I know how difficult it is to focus when personal circumstances get in the way.

I'm happy with my team. This team.

My other projects involve me working with various other people. One particular project is just done. I'm not really sure if it's totally complete, at least my part was done. That was not easy. Lack of planning. But we had our exit strategies. Haha. The few of us who weren't happy with how it was handled. I think many weren't happy. But what to do, it has to be done. It could have been done better. Only if there weren't any personal agenda. Let's stop there.

Another project is at its very initial stage. I'm a professional, I work with anybody. Not to say I'm not cautious with people's agenda. I like transparency, I like honesty. I don't like back-stabbing. I don't like to be used as an instrument. So, yes, it has stayed at the very initial stage. I've laid down my conditions, to move forward. If she ignores all these, tough. I will not be in the project team, even if I know I'm a necessity. And yes, it involves remuneration. It's a mega project, I may be at lost. I want this project. But, rezeki halal is ultimate.

I've just been invited to another project. I am very keen on this one. But it will be tough. The meeting is to be held next week I believe. It's not a big team, but I'm to work with a partner. A partner that's tough to work with. She's good with communication skill, but I know this assignment is not her expertise. And, she has a reputation for slow delivery. She must have her reasons. Team effort, that will be a big question. It'll be a 'me' project somehow. I guess I have to be ready for that. I'm just taking this positively. I really want to work on this project, for professional development.

There is another project I've been invited. Meetings went well. It is nice number team. I'm in only for a few hours. Early June. Very interesting. I like this project. Easy. I've not made my preparation yet. Next week, I've to focus on this. It'll be good and fun.

My final on-going project. Has taken me down and up to Belait. It's the toughest of all. Outcomes can only be measured afterwards. It takes a lot of time and effort. Driving to Belait is tiring, but remuneration is GREAT, if I can stay deliverable. My only concern is... haha.. the driving to and fro. Our road network is appalling, especially from Telisai Satelite Station onto Seria by-pass. I can understand how commuters feel now. Lucky I don't need to be in during the rush hours. If I do, my stress level could go up I guess. I'm also embarrassed for us. At my age, I'm driving on the same tiny road that my dad drove us to KB when we were little. It's not in it's best condition anyway, so little wonder we hear every other day there are accidents. Imagine how many working hour is lost because of our roads. Come on road engineers, planners and MoD, please do something about this. I'm sure that there's a way to expand our road network, and make commuting/driving to Belait a safe, easy and less-stress one.

Life goes on

It's been almost a month since I last enter. I didn't even read this blog, or other blogs. A lot happened. A lot lot lot. Made me think. Twice, thrice, endlessly. It's totally personal. About me, my feelings, my actions or in-actions. Pursue or not pursue. Move on or stay in the past. Fuzzy is the word to describe my brain... then. Until I learnt a few days ago on the word 'NOW.' I must admit, it's not easy capitalizing on this powerful THREE letter word. At the same time, I have had relapses in between the last 48 hours, but I'm putting faith onto NOW.

Along the way, I'm meeting others - a lot lot of others, perhaps in my situation, perhaps worst, perhaps not. Various words and theories are put forth to describe all these. Temptation as one, faith as another, trust add ons, bother-less also on the list... emotional was even subscribed. Interesting. Questions of why, why not, when, what if, where, and ... are thrown around. Strategies planned. Withdraw or charged. Take charge or surrender.

Only God knows how strong I will be.

P.S. To those I have (unintentionally) hurt (before)... I am so sorry. I never meant to. Sometimes, things happened. Forgive me once again. If only I knew all the answers, it'll make it easier. But I am only human. Let's move on. Cause life goes on, and I am still breathing.

Slacking

Am at work, and I know I shouldn't be online now. Not yet. Another 14 minutes would be okay. Maybe. But I never blog from work. They could be checking on what I'm doing. They'd find out who I am. But they've figured anyway. So does it really matter.

I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. There are lots of information I've been absorbing. I tend to analyse things too deep, too far. I can't deal with them in simplistic manner. Maybe my character. Maybe my profession. It spills off into my personality and character. But this particular subject, perhaps, requires me to just take it simplistically. As simple as I could. But it's not easy. Even in its a simplest form. To me the logic in simplicity is just not there, or rather not right.

I just went on googles (with my music CD on in the background). I played around for a bit. Searching for an old username of mine. Ahhh.. still there. Oddly, I've not used it for a long time now, but I saw it popping up somewhere else after I 'resigned' that username. I resigned it then as it was abused. Could have damaged my relationship with my new hubby then. Perhaps, that was the intention. I've forgiven - who ever he/she was. Nevermind.

So I clicked on some of the old entrees I did then. I thought they were funny. Tickles my brain, made me emotional. I smiled, and maybe some tears in my eyes, just now. Good and sad memories. Times when people can hurt you, or can make you happy. Ideas accepted and rejected. The power of words. Through the internet.

It makes me wonder. How can we be so emotionally attached through words. Words are merely made up of letters. But use unwisely they can be miscontrued, manipulated and amplified. They can be false, they can be falsified. Yet, they can turn real. If reality is good, that's fine. But when it's the otehr way round. Can just burn you out.

Ah. I don't know why I'm rambling on these things. I need to get out from this office. And Head home. I'm not being productive this afternoon. Too much information, too difficult to focus on. Time off. maybe I need another getaway. Getaway without work.

**Headache**

Okay. I'm out.

Slowing down...

I know the last time I was here was last month, to be exact just over 2 weeks. I'm not as active as before. There's too much on my plate. There's too much to think about. Work, home and exercise are not easy to manage. I'm trying. I don't know if I'm trying too much, or still too little. How do I measure my endeavours? It seems that with all the effort I'm doing - I can't see much conversion from them. It's like going to an exhibition hall in Brunei and you'll only get people to taste your samples, but not quite purchasing them. Even if there are, they are not in the quantity you are targeting for.

I've just been back from a 3 day conference and workshop in Singapore. Brilliant. Who would have thought that I'd be sitting down listening to one of the guys from YouTube, Pinstorm, and a couple of other big names (if I start putting them down, then I'll reveal my identity). I realized that we are so far behind, and a lot of catching up to do if we were ever to achieve our vision - yes, I'm talking about the organization I worked for. Now that we have competitions, I am unsure if our strategies we have in placed can sustain our position. There's a couple of things we've not capitalized on, and we should start harnessing them. I know I can start the ball rolling, and I have a good team behind me who could help with that effort.

But there is mix enthusiasm in my team. You can't blame them if some are not up for it. What's their reward? None translatable to monetary or performance bonuses. While I get a little remuneration, they don't. So, it's not been easy being their leader. While I'm passionate about the job, they have mix feelings; and true! Why should they work their a^&e off when they only get a thank you from me. I really appreciate their work. I do get frustrated when things don't get done. This job consumes our energy. Perhaps, while trying to improve, I've put extra work for them. It's all good, but is it worthy for my subs? I don't want it to be seen as a me-thing. I've always bring them in with decision-makings. Not that I can't do it alone, but I believe I'm here to mentor them. I want them to see what lies beyond, I want them to feel it, I want them to give it all. I just pray to God that they take these as professional development, rather than the feeling of 'finishing her (my) job."

Then there's another part of my life, which I feel so very uncertain. I'm trying to be very positive about it. I am trying and will put my ALL to have it, keep it, and sustain it. I'll do anything for this. I gave up my life if I could or if I should. But I am only human, and God is all knowing. He is putting me to the test, and maybe it's the hardest of all. At times, I feel impatient. A lot lot lot of times, it's painful. It's like a PILL, you took it, it feels so good - GREAT, HEAVEN; but it can kill you if you lose it. It's that TITLE that I've wanted to keep for life. Now, every seconds and in between is a waiting game. I don't know what to expect. It's like a bungee ride. The suspence is killing me. Will I get it? I've done what I think needs to be done. But I don't know if it's enough, may be it's not and never enough. I feel anxious and nervous with every beat of my heart. My brain gets fuzzy most times, and I can feel my heart beating harder every now and then. This TITLE can give you that permanent head damage. It's so near but still far away. I just want it for life. GOD, please Oh God! Give me the strength to keep on trying.

**Sigh**

With all these... I don't know if I can keep up blogging. I've slowed down so much on this front. I think I'll slow down further. Two weeks is good for me for now. Yes, maybe between 2-3 weeks. I love keeping friends up to date. Well, this is an update. I need time to recuperate.

That thing we can't live without...

Now... I've been thinking in the last few months. We've spent so much on drinking water, drinking bottled water to be exact. In a week, it cost us $13.00. Yes, we drink a lot of water. My baby consumes almost 600ml a day, my other daughters are the same. I consume more. Hubby too. Well, put together everybody in the house consumes a lot. It's far expensive compared to the estimated 50 cubic metre monthly usage at $5.50 (based on our water bill) for sanitation. That is $624 a year minimum of bottled water compared to $66 of tap water.

I spoke to hubby, we've to cut down on this. Not just it's uneconomical, but:
1. No evidence it's healthier than tap water. We're drinking reverse osmosis water with no nutritional value in any sense.
2. It's contained in plastic bottles. That's unfriendly to the environment. The bottles are non-biodegradable. Re-cycling can be costly. Re-using can be toxic for kids. It'd be better to avoid consuming them.
3. It's delivered to supermarkets or mini-marts via dieselled-run lorries/vehicles. Every green endeavors of ours seems futile. Worst if they're produced overseas, shipped or flown aggravates the eco-system.

But, my effort to cut down is not really working. All because we're unsure if it's really the right move. At times we get "muddy water," especially after heavy downpours. At other times we get "milky water." But yes, most times our tap water looks alright. We do have cheap filtration in the kitchen, but we're not that interested to buy those expensive system, we've been highly recommended. We hate sale-pitches, they don't work for us.

I've tried checking on-line if our water is REALLY safe for consumption. I'm concerned for my baby and my young kids. At safewateronline, they rated our water at 4 droplets (highest rating is 5 droplets, Singapore is rated at that level), meaning " Main cities have generally safe water supplies, which are monitored and regularly tested by an independent board, but level of service of rural and small towns systems could be substandard. Prevalence of waterborne diseases is low." But they did indicate "The Water Services Department carries out daily monitoring of water quality produced at the treatment works as well as conducts routine monitoring of water quality at its storage reservoirs and at strategic locations of the distribution system. Both chemical tests and bacteriological tests are conducted to ensure the water supply is within permissible levels. In addition, separate tests are carried out by the Health Department." Sounds assuring, but the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests travelers to bring iodine tablets or portable water purifier to Brunei.

Nothing mentioned in the Ministry of Development's website. We hear them saying it's okay. But can they print that in black and white. I'm still alive. Having drank tap water during my childhood. We didn't even boil the tap water then. But to compare our childhood with our kids' these days is a bit short. We live at a time where the environment (the rivers and lakes) were much much cleaner. Now we got all sorts of things dumped into our water sources.

A friend who's an economist advocated bottled waters (he'd be the one trying to be economical), all because he heard our water is not fit for consumption. I don't know where he got that from. He's also mentioned even after boiling, our water isn't totally safe. Since today's kettle automatically stops as it reaches boiling point. So yes, I'm concern. And, I'm unsure of my next move. To be economical, to be healthy, to be eco-friendly, or to be extremely cautious and safe. Questions I need to answer, and need deep thinking. Or maybe we've fallen into marketers traps. Along with bottle water manufacturers, they are just good at creating wants, which didn't exist.

So, on World Water Day - today, I'm requesting for confirmation by the Department of Water Services in the Public Works Department under the Min. of Development if our water is fit for consumption - especially for babies and young kids. The confirmation will SAVE us a lot. Save our money and our environment.

Saigon

We got in late on Tuesday night. Hubby e-mailed and called corporate hotels on their list prior to leaving, all fully booked accordingly. We thought, we'd just try our luck. Got a cab, and she took us to a hotel, at US$40 (B$56) a night. We weren't fussy, just wanted somewhere to sleep for the night. Plus, the cabbie was out to cheat us, so we better just okayed the hotel rather than being driven around town looking for the perfect room. We didn't exactly know where we were, but it was near the central market (Ben Tanh). The hotel was livable, but we felt it was still a rip off. So, we browse around the market for hotels the next day, and found a better one at US$2 cheaper. Most of the corporate hotels are by Saigon River, and if you're looking for something posh, they'd be good for you. I think hubby got a surprise; he always took me to luxury hotels, and never thought that I'm okay with 2 stars ones. He doesn't really know me yet. We've only been married for 4 years, and I don't blame him. He didn't know I've stayed in US$10 rooms while in Chonju, Korea once. But I must say, the earlier hotel got better breakfast buffet. I don't take heavy breakfast, so it didn't really matter. But hubby loves bubur with talur masin, and I had to stop him after eating so much of the salted eggs. Cholestrol, I reminded him. Anyway, we were told that we'd be charged 10% tax on top of the rate. When we checked out, they didn't include it. We kept quiet. How unethical can we be, but would you tell them if you were us?



We started the next day going to Ben Tanh Market (see left picture). Got some good deals. All because we were the first customers. They are pretty superstitious. Tip: Go very early in the morning, and bargain like hell. If you're the first they can't let you go without a purchase. Bad luck. Don't worry, you will never go broke. Well, hubby and I didn't really go bonkers at the market, it's nothing compared to Chatuchak (Bangkok). Just got things for the house at really low low low prices. We had a taste of the Department Store in the afternoon (Diamond Plaza), and tried a few local cuisine. Nice. If you like vegetarian and seafood (picture on right). Didn't buy anything at the Plaza, except our kids clothes which were as cheap as in Singapore. Sports attires in Saigon is quite dear, dearer than in Brunei. That's not something you'd like to bring home.



The good thing in Saigon, everywhere is close by. All walking distance. Saves you on transportation. But even if you were to take a cab, it'll cost you the most US$2 to get around. But we didn't bother. It's more interesting to walk around. Of course, its polluted, but at least you are not the one who contributes to that. Went sightseeing after the shopping. Well, we didn't really shop, so our backpacks weren't totally filled up, making it easier to go around. First stop the Presidential Palace, a few hundred metres from the Plaza. Then a few blocks away to the left of the palace was the War Remnant Museum. The Palace didn't look much from the outside, but exploring it inside is worthwhile. Go underground, there are bunkers used during the war as operating rooms. I got goosebumps seeing photos of the war. Nice view of central Saigon from second floor of Presidential Palace (see left picture)

The Presidential Palace - worth an exploration, especially its underground. Pictures gave me goosebumps.

We got 30 minutes left before it closes when we arrived at the War Remnant Museum. Showcasing not just arm artilleries left by the Americans, but the SCARS from the war. Also, hundreds of photos of and from the War and its remnants. My heart sank further and further, and we went speechless as we view more and more pictures. Can't totally describe the emotion we felt. Sad, disheartened, fear, sorrow, wretched, dismayed, anger... all not good. When we finished, we sat down by the entrance stairs to console our feelings. We didn't understand why a lot of people sat down quietly when we first got there. Then we knew. It was too much to absorb. Overwhelming.




Next day, we went for a half day trip to Cu Chi Tunnel. A site you should never miss, if in Saigon they say. Tunnels of the Vietcongs, sprawling for hundreds of metres underground. Amazing structures, and I admire their war skills andstrategies. You wonder less how they won the war, observing their technology , intelligence, and spirit. (Right picture: various booby traps). I was amazed. Somewhat, the experience made you more patriotic.

One entrance to tunnel. So tiny, I didn't attempt to go down. I know I'd get stuck.

Highlights of the trip for us: trying the AK47 (see picture), and the finale - going underground. You have to try the tunnel. The one opened to tourists. It's wider than the other tunnels. If you can't cope with it, there are exists at every 30m. Hubby and I made it till the end. But it was one of the scariest experience of my life. I have tried a few extreme sports, and contemplated caving (spelunking) once upon a time. But considering I am claustrophobic, I ditched the idea (as it may involved crawling and squeezing in tight tunnels). But being in Cu Chi Tunnel, we didn't want to loose the opportunity. At it's entrance, I was a bit daunted. The smell of musty clay, darkness ahead, and thoughts of suffocation, I was tempted to forgo it. But there were plenty of people behind us, it would have been embarrassing to back out. I made sure we were among the first, I didn't want to get stuck behind a lot of people. Too afraid that I wouldn't be able to breath underground. We were behind 8 people, and infront of over 30 people. As we enter, tunnel was wide enough for us to walk. Nope, we ran it - of course bending slightly (see picture on the right hs). I ran not trying to show off but it was SCARY. I didn't want to be left behind, it was TOO DARK. I couldn't see infront. I thought I lost people in front of me, and kept yelling to them of where to go. There were smaller tunnels on the sides, I didn't want to get lost. NO WAY. I heard shouts from the front telling where to go, but weren't sure where they were coming from. Especially when there were tunnels on the side, they seem to come from the smaller tunnels. "Straight.. straight.." I heard them, and I followed on. At some points, I wondered why the guys in front of me kept changing. Their faces were different. I didn't bother. I just wanted to move on and get out of the place. There were exits, but I didn't want to give up yet. But as we went further, the tunnel gets smaller. After certain points, you either have to climb up, or go further down. We started from running (bended) to squatting to finally crawling. When we got out, hubby was far behind, there were two tourists in front of me with the guide. That came as a surprise. I asked them, "where are we?" They said, "I think we made it all the way." We smiled. And felt a lot of relieve. Then I heard, "B, where are you? where are you?" In my fear, I left my husband way behind. So much for the "we're in this together" bit. I shouted into the tunnel, "just go straight.. straight...". "Where, where?" I can hear fear in his voice (and perhaps, sadness, that his wife left him). "Straight, straight." I was a little worried, cause there was a smaller tunnel not far off, but was relieved to see his head bopping out of the tunnel. Few minutes later, there were a few other people. Then it stopped. Outside there were others walking towards us. Those who had given up. In fact out of almost 40 of us, only less than 10 of us made it to the end. It was definitely a scary experience: not knowing where you are going, in the darkness, sometimes alone. I salute the Vietcongs for their bravery. I will never forget Cu Chi Tunnel. Not only it left me admiring the Vietcongs, but got me reflecting and soul-searching. I won't leave my husband again even if I am that afraid.

Squatting point. Light in front indicating an exit point. If you can't take it, go out now.

.... (more later)...

I'm Grateful

Time flies too fast when you are having a good time. Saigon was great, and I'd highly recommend it. It was a short break for me. I was afraid that I'd lose the momentum with work prior to leaving. Wasn't really that excited to go, at the last minute. Had so much on my desk. Boss didn't want to sign my leave initially, but he gave in. I had had 2 projects with deadline last Tuesday. Handed them over, and that evening I left for Ho Chi Minh feeling a little relieved. Reported back for duty yesterday, I was surprised I had the enthusiasm to work again. I guess seeing the various documents on my desk turned me on. Got a few tasks done. This week is challenging; holiday on thursday, outside meetings tomorrow and saturday, and all day out of the office today meant I could only work on a few things. Trying to get a lot work done I called for a meeting on thursday, only to get e-mails reminding me that it's a holiday. It's funny that I forgotten that, I guessed I had my holiday and was all charged up for the week.

Today was nice, meeting people again, outside of my work environment. It was an interesting seminar, more like a refresher's course for me. I missed most of the afternoon session. In an effort to kill two birds with one stone. I know I won't get the chance to organize further meetings with these people, so I took that opportunity. It's usually difficult to get people to answer phones (they are usually in meetings or otherwise overseas), so why not - if you are in the same building. I had to sort that business of ours soon. This saved time and effort.

Yesterday, I had the chance to say hello to a colleague of mine. I learnt the news prior to leaving last week. He's diagnosed with cancer. It came a bit of a shock to him, let alone us. I didn't expect it that bad, but I've witnessed him over the months losing the weight. He came to my office once telling me he felt sick. But, I was indifferent. I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or trying to evade work. I feel really bad now. I don't know how to apologize to him. I don't know if I should. I'm trying to help where I possibly can, maybe that's my way of apologizing. Yet, it's not subduing my guilt feelings.

He's had his first chemo at RIPAS last week, and thought it was excellent. I agree. We've got great medical facilities, we've got great medical and support teams. Sometimes it's amazing that we forgot how the government spends so much on each of us (as oppose to the yearly budgets) to ensure our health is in great condition. From birth till the end, I suppose. I call this the Medical Life Cylce (MLC), more like the Product Life Cyle (PLC). As we mature, our medical cost gets higher. Even when you're at a decline stage, you need to pump in more funds to get you going further.

Yes, the government has spent maybe tens of thousands (or more?) on me - myself, over my life so far on medical alone. I was born at the old rumah sakit (name?) in Bandar, well, not really. I was born in our neighbour's car. But it's there at that old rumah sakit I got my first jab I think, and tasted government funds. Then over my life, moved from that old place to RIPAS. I had had operations with general anesthetics 3 times now: for growths in various places. One when I was 17, then the other 2 in my 30s. Gosh, I sound so ancient. All benign, I'm grateful to God. I lost an eye due to retinal detachment, the other eye was laser-treated for its retinal tear. Discovered when I was 24. Hence I got bad headaches most times. I'm not supposed to read books or look at computer screens more than 8 hours a day. This aggravates the migraine. I usually forgot that. I'm not supposed to carry heavy objects, afraid that'll affect the tear. Specialists at the labour ward worried my insistence of having natural labours. Both times, I came out fine. Yes, I had 2 au naturalle labours, and spent a few nights prior to and after giving birth at the wards. I had specialist treatments for other things at various stage of my life. Indeed, I've spent a lot of government money to get sorted.

I'm thankful to God, I'm in Brunei. I'm thankful to the government for free medical. I don't know how I'd repay that generosity. I know for a fact I'll give my best on my job. Every sen I earn comes with that mission to ensure those going through me will have a better life. Perhaps, a lot lot lot better life than me. It satisfies me to see that. They have to put their effort too. I can only assist so much.

P.S. I would like to thank everyone at the Ministry of Health then and now, RIPAS and the old Rumah Sakit for taking care of me, all this while. God bless you all. You guys don't know how much you've saved my life since I was born. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.