The end is just the beginning

It wouldn't be right to end the new year without any post from me. And it wouldn't be great to simply say 'Goodbye 2007, and Welcome 2008'. It would be boring to publish my reminisce of 2007, cause everyone would just be doing that. It's not me to follow trends. But then I did blog, didn't I? Err...

*blank*

*flutter into friends blogs* (What! I've been tagged!)

*thinking again*

Now, it'll be a busy week this new year. It had been, last week. We are preparing for a big event next week. I'd love to post our flyer in here, but if I did, I'd give away my identity. I know some people may have guessed me already. Keep that to yourselves.

Last thursday, I had a last minute task of writing answer scripts for a TV appearance of a colleague. But they started questioning her other than those cued after a while. I received an e-mail from her, apologizing and saying she didn't do well. I told her it's alright, it's not easy being on camera live. I remember being interviewed live for another similar event 4 years back. To kill time, the TV host started questioning on things I didn't know much about. Lucky, I can be a great bluffer.

Now, my bluff wouldn't help next week. I'd be on 'live' in the morning, the last person. No chance to bluff. It would be interesting to try to. Dare and be ready to hear whispers saying "no substance" in the background and then on. I can't have that. When it comes to my work, everything is a 'break or make.' No compromise.

In my line of work, it looks pretty easy. But actually, it's mean. Yes, it's a mean world. You want to be accepted, you need to belong, otherwise you are a NO body. Many times, there are abuses and cheatings; other times those urging for ethics, are themselves questionable. Plenty of back stabbings. Rumour has it that I'd be a bi*ch one day, and there'd be nasty competitions between myself and two others. There is a sense of truth in the competition bit, but not the nastiness as they've expected. I have respect for the other two; they've earned whatever achievements or awards they've received. I know they respect me too. For somebody who's yet to get to their level, they've attested to seeing me as their rivals. That sounds incredible to me.

I still have a little while to go where they are. This time I'm not going to haste it. Circumstances have slowed it down, but not meaning I can't wind up my effort. My 'divorce' with my work partner recently was unexpected and un-amicable. We parted on bitterness on both sides, bitterness from distrust and backstab. Communication was futile. But, it's not the end of the project. Cause somebody else has proposed to re-marry.

Highlight of the year: Risking it all resulting with MEND-able disappointment.
Learning point of the year: To take PRIDE of every actions I've made. Cause I tried my BEST.

Happy New Year 2008 to everyone. Have a good one.

Unwrapping day

Dear Great friends: Sarah, liz, Elena, Yvonne, Natalia, Therese, Ben, Henry and Simon,

I hope yesterday was a great X-mas to you all; wish I was there to enjoy the roast (I miss your vegetarian dishes too, Yvonne). Have a great day today unwrapping those gifts. Happy Boxing Day.

Missing you all.

xxx000xxx

You gotta be bad, bold, wiser, hard, tough, stronger, cool, calm and stay together

It's been a busy week; reflecting, following up, option hunting, and braving the days. After much thoughts of what happened on thursday, it came out to be the best 'incident'. There are too many plus(es) far outweighing the minus from the so-called setback. God knows best, I know I'll get there somehow, and maybe not sooner than I anticipated. I know I did my Best. Maybe not the BESTest; I'll just have to push harder, and keep on moving. Cause:

"...don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
the world keeps on spinning
you can't stop it, if you try to
this time it's danger staring you in the face..."
(Desree's: You gotta be)

After all LIFE IS OH! SO BEAUTIFUL!

Bring it on!

I received an e-mail yesterday, dated the day before. It was something I wasn't prepared to read and the news is not something I wanted to hear. I have always been very confident, but deep in me there's always the fear that this could happened. It did.

You get punched on the face, what happened, and what do you do?

You fall back a step... or a lot of steps... or worst, you fall down. Then, with all the agony, you get up, you stand tall, and you hit back with whatever energy left in you.

Never take it lying down. Never give up, never surrender.

This is a SETBACK, it's not a FA*LURE. Bring it on.

A quick note

Dieting is not in the diary today. Off to mum & dad's this morning for Raya; then to the in-laws in the afternoon. Food galore! Nasi minyak, ayam massala, pulut panggang... name it. Teh tarik, yummy!

Eid has always been the good excuse to binge-eating. And socialising. Work is put off for the day, another great excuse to procrastinating. Ah, beautiful day.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL ADHA!

May God bless our rezeki and achievements on this joyful day.

They bloody SUCK!

The Agents. No, not secret agents. But yes, these agents I'm talking about do work in clandestine. They have a 'license to kill' you with their demands.

If I was not leaving soon and had my parents weren't busy, I would not need the service of domestic helpers anymore. I wouldn't want to support the breaching on human rights, the exorbitant, incumbent and non-sense fee asked by The agents. I hate the thought that I am a part of the equation. So does my other half. It looks like we don't have any choice at the moment. So, in the last few weeks we have been shopping for bio-data from a few agents recommended.

On average this is their fee and their requirement:

• B$800 for a couple
• The helpers would need to pay back B$1000 to B$1200 per person when they arrived, meaning their salary to be deducted between 5 to 6 months

The B$800 fee entail:

• recruitment and selection service
• Immigration processing: Visa, employment pass and smart card
• Labour Department processing: Resgistering them under your license, contract agreement
• Return transportation (Indon-Brunei): via land
• Health check up upon arrival: blood and x-ray
• 3 months guarantee: process and returning of employees and replacement
• End of contract process: transfer, extension or return

The B$1000-12000 fee payable by workers include:

• recruitment and placement service
• issuance of Indonesian passport
• visa processing at Brunei Embassy in Jakarta
• Health check up prior to travel in Jakarta (approved by Brunei Embassy)
• Transportation to Brunei
• Full boarding and insurance at holding centres in Jakarta and training
• Other miscellaneous (taxes, etc)

The service list sounded a lot, but really its over-rated. The fee is overpriced. I know cause it caused me no more than B$650 all-in-all last time by doing it by ourselves. My parents did it for us while they were on holiday in Jakarta the last time, 3 years back. That B$650 include flight fare coming to Brunei! Even taking inflation into account, the total amount of B$2000 in the pockets of the foreign agents and Brunei agents are way overboard.

You see, the recruitment and selection processes don't really exist. There are an abundant number of people registering to get jobs in (legal and illegal) employment agencies in Indonesia. Young and old, name it you got it. Then, we have the Immigration and Labour department under one roof here in Brunei, where things can be done simultaneously. Then that return transport via land really doesn't cost much. It's double charging anyway considering the migrant workers are charged on transportation too. Thus, even after considering time, effort, queueing and petrol, we are OVERCHARGED.

The poor migrant workers are totally EXPLOITED pre-departure. The fees are excessive, it's bloodsucking! It cost about B$50 to issue an Indonesian passport and should take less than a week. But these agents are asking for B$150 the least. Not just profiting, but that includes bribing the Immigration officials to speed up the process. Otherwise, the issuing takes longer than 7 days. Visa and health check up in Jakarta can be done in a couple of days and cost between B$100-150 if I am not mistaken. The travel via land to Brunei which has been paid by the employer is incorporated again. Full boarding in Jakarta and en-transit is way overcharged. The agency would keep the workers for longer at the holding centres and the poor workers would have to pay these extras. They claimed to train these workers, but that's questionable. I don't know what other miscellaneous fees they've to pay, but we know the workers would have to pay for any interest from borrowing either with the agents or from other people.

Having said the above, we are still parting our B$800 to the agent here. Having said that, we still let the agents take the workers 5-6 months salary. It feels hypocritical, while we know that we have the POWER to stop this exploitation. If we don't give our money, we might stop the misuse.

It's a catch 22 situation. We are sending our 3 year old to school next year, but it's the baby we are worried about. I don't have a solution except to hold off my intention to go. We've discussed this, he said I should go. it's only a year. A little selfish I feel but it's for our future.

So where is my stance on the exploitation on 'human trafficking.' I'm being two-faced, but let's STOP this. I am calling for Brunei authorities to regulate the handling of recruitment and employment agencies in Brunei. A law is required not just to put a control on the fees and to guide their services; but to monitor the handling of labourers pre-departure and on transit, which shall be accountable to the agents here. I know the agencies overseas are in control prior to reaching Brunei, but without the monetary incentives from Brunei agencies and demand from us, these bloodsuckers can't operate. If we are stringent on our agencies, they will expect the same with their overseas counterparts. We have to ensure that our agencies here are dealing with LEGAL agencies overseas too. Legal agencies in Indonesia I believe are being monitored by their authorities. Perhaps, the workers will be treated more humanely by them. So, if we put pressure on our agents, and the agents will pressurized their counterparts. That will somehow push the Indonesian Authorities to work harder to enforce protection of their migrating workers. After all, these migrant workers contribute to the huge fraction of invisible earnings.

Now why bother? Cause every of that BRUNEI $$$ should be used for humane cause. We BRUNEIANS should NOT become the prey of these illegal human traffickers. BRUNEI should also be FREE of upset, depressed and dysfunctional oversea workers. And any after effects of violations and abuse of migrating workers. Most of all, we are a caring society.

Outpouring love under one roof

It was beautiful. The scene was magical. Forever to be cherished. There was SO much love and emotion under that roof. Outpouring and contagious. No words can express that moment. Families in their own circles embracing one another; parents and children uttering loves, expectations and promises. Teardrops of absolution and repentance - teardrops of fathers, of mothers and of children. All in the hope of a new beginning. New lives for each and one of those children, as well as their families.

Even if you were an observer, you won't escape the emotion. There was too much energy (of love) under that roof. Incredible and amazing. Echoes of "La llaha illalah, Muhammadar rasulullah" were heard in the background, inducing forgiveness and affection.

That moment marked the end of the Summer Camp: Motivasi Jati Diri, organized by OGDC and AKRAB. We were told that one quit the night before. In the end, there were 243 'survivors' including my eldest daughter from that camp. Over 100 families assembled under the BIG TOP for that closing, and were witnesses to that LOVE session.

I am extremely proud she survived the camp.

(image source: http://www.bsp.com.bn/ogdc/)

When we sent her there on friday morning, we were worried that she wouldn't be able to handle the programme. Starting her days at the camp at 4:30 am is unusual for her. Unusual for a girl coming 9, I believe. Sharing a plate among sisters has been almost impossible at home. Eating 'just basic food' sounded alarming too. We were scared she would not survived it.

But that was the idea. To get her to understand the extreme; conditions she had NEVER experienced before.

Yes, everything was basic. Nothing fancy this camp, and nothing like previous camps organized by OGDC. They don't call it the survival camp, but it has that in essence. Campers before this enjoy buffet food. This time, no buffet. You share your plate of plain rice and one piece of everything else just enough for everyone on a large plate with three or four other campers. No top ups, no desert.

(image source: http://iskandarworld.blogspot.com/)

You stay in a huge tent; sleeping on the ground and close to each other. HOT is what you should feel over the 3 days and 2 nights. Complaint, you should not; cause everything is a test - The test to Robustness.

The mission was on character building, that is to creating excellent Bruneians with great morality. The emphasis was on LOVE; love towards God, love towards The Prophet, love towards Parents, love towards Ummah and love towards Excellence, while reinforcing they are the BEST! BEST! BEST!

With the five jum'ah salat obligatory to all campers preceded with a series of religious (motivational) talks during the camp, some may chose to call it the Da'wah camp. So, it is not the conventional camps.

One day out of the camp, I am impressed on my eldest change of behaviour. A lot lot more loving to her younger sisters, is listening, and there has been NO whining. There was no left over on her plate this lunch. She wasn't hungry. She has learned to appreciate every grain of rice put on the table for her. So far so good.

We didnot send her to that camp because she was a problem child. All teens go through a rebellious stage, and shout for independence every moment of time. We sent her:

• So she would become a better person than she was before: A better daughter, a better sister, a better student, a better Bruneian - not just better, but the BEST...BEST...BEST!
• So she would be ready for the unpredictable future
• So she would learn how to become a great leader, and a follower
  
• So, she knows why love, how to love, when to love, what to love, and where not to love.
  

It was a tiring weekend, having to go back and forth to Seria. But all worth it. Because of LOVE.

Note. She would like to join the camp again she says. Inda jara kali ah. How great is that! Best... best... best!

P.S. I'm searching for pics momenting the LOVE session on Brunei blogosphere. If you happen to have one, share please. Gracias.

It's not right but it's okay

That's what the boss said yesterday. "It's unethical but she's smart enough not to register", when in fact she had to. The way I see it, she has breached her contract. And, by saying that, he's condoning it. OK, there is a loophole somewhere in the contract; but by that statement, the boss is undermining the project; a project under his own umbrella. How ridiculous is that?

You see, we've got this client. One of many. This particular project of ours involves all clients to sign a contract prior to joining. Once signed, you can't withdraw and you'll have to take the repercussions. I didn't draft the contract, it was passed on to me from previous bosses. This time I'm the boss. I made the assumption that the contract included statement that upon signing the contract there's 'no escape'. My mistake having overlooked the contract. The point now is the contract is signed in full agreement by the client that he or she will go through the project, and will stay until completion, and to produce what needed to be produced by him or her. Failure to do so would mean that action would be taken on him/her.

Now this unethical client of ours decided to be elusive. She can't be contacted and refused to return our calls. What else, she's got the TB Syndrome. Typical Bruneian Syndrome: lack of dedication, fu*ked-up attitude, bother-less, ... (negative descriptors goes on to infinity).

Then, my boss simply wants to let go. How daft is that? There's no money involved, but it's not about that. We are talking about the amount of work and time put into by my team to get this going. We are also talking about our alliances in this project. One client does wrong, we get the bad name. Anything we produce would be deemed as not marketable.

The organization has been seen to be one. A producer of sub-standard products. Regardless of the (quality) control mechanism we've put in, we cannot insure our products as first class. The major ingredient of our products is our client. You get one f*cked-up client, the whole production line is affected. Imagine if you've got plenty of foul clients.

I've countless times been involved in defending our reputation, giving and searching all sorts of excuses. Sometimes, you just got tired of doing that. Especially, when you know your boss couldn't care less. But doing that is unfair to the other bosses and everyone else who's put every decent seconds of their time on building the image of the organization.

I don't have the power to boot my boss off his office, but I can always do this... (Try if you wish to de-stress).

Old friends abound

The blogosphere is an amazing world. You never know what you'll discover next.

I was just clicking in random in blog nation, reading thoughts, rantings, musings, ramblings of Brunei bloggers. Some interesting, some funny, some cute, some scary, some beautiful, some envious, some 'sassspen', and so much more.

But, I wasn't prepared for ... Ah! let's say ... blogosphere makes the world such a tiny place. Anyway, I thought I give the site a read. So, annoying. God! And that reminded me why ...

I guess I'd have to add to my some-s list above: some annoying.

Nonetheless, great efforts by everyone. And I'm impressed with the abundant talent, creativity, dedication, and oh! don't forget EMOTIONS. In honor of my new favourites, I will be linking a few of them (as usual without permission):

• Anakbrunei.org: among the pioneers of #Brunei IRC-ers. Old friends, you can't get rid of them easily in this wired-world. Hats off to his success. (P.S. Reeda, thanks for reminding me how fat I've become)
  
• Ramblings of a pre-claimed bimbo: for the empowering thought of a 19 yo. Definitely better than wonderbra. She's funny.
  
• withaku.com: with him I found beautiful pictures. Wow.
• womaninawetsuit: adventurous woman that I truly envy. Sexy.
  
• YPI: Parking idots caught in action. How deserving!
  

P.S GFs, I miss you

Dear Yatie, Sarah, Elena and Liz,

It's been ages we've not seen each other. I miss you all, a whole lot. I wish you all were here, so we could dance this day away. Great friends are hard to come by. I'll forever cherish us, our friendships.

Take care for now. I love you all.

xxx000xxx

I'm no supermom

I'm trying my best to move my thoughts positively. I've had the delay effects from yesterday. It's not easy, never easy, but I've managed so far. I had a few teardrops this morning as I took my weet-bix and hot chocolate. Am I angry? I shouldn't be. Am I sad? I don't need to be. Am I frustrated? why should I be? I've tried my best...

It's not easy being a mother. It's not easy being a step mother. It's not easy being a step mother to an adopted daughter. It's not easy being a step mother to an adopted daughter and coming into her life when she is four and had another mother before then.

Maybe she had a beautiful life before you, may be she had the best mum before you, may be you came in too soon in her life and she doesn't want you. There're so many maybes. There're so many thoughts in you. Maybe I could never replace the mothers before me, but I'm trying my best to be the mother she has now. I may not be the kissy-huggy mama to her, but I do care. A whole lot.

But why do people say "she was ... (like this and that), when..."? why tell me? Why tell me off? why try make it like I care less?

Where were you all... when I congratulate her when she tops her class, when I kiss her forehead when I leave for work, when I prioritize her over my work, when I hug her in trying to make her feel secure, when we laugh together about boys?

Why only see ... when I tell her off when she needs disciplining, when she looks 'incomplete', when she looks unhappy?

May be you all mean well, may be I'm overly sensitive. I am after all human. But with all the maybes, I am certain about one thing. I've tried my best... and I will keep on trying.

Global Warming and Kampung Ayer kitani

(image source: http://www.worldproutassembly.org/images/TokoroYukiyoshi.jpg)

The BBC talked about the effects of global warming on the Himalayas yesterday. Ah gorgeous Himalayas! I have always dreamt of climbing up The summit. I know I am way too skint to try attempting the adventure. I don't think I've got all the skills as a mountain climber, but I can train for it. That's a dream to keep on fantasizing.

But that's not really the point I want to put across. It's NATURE really, and how we should appreciate what it has given us. The natural beauty that becalm us; the resources that bequest our survival and livelihood; the spirits it procreate. Boundless gifts to us human by God the Almighty. Alhamdulillah.

And yet, here we are - making no or little attempt to save the environment. Do we really care about it? I believe the question should be rephrased: DO WE REALLY CARE ABOUT US? Cause we are (at least part of) the environment. Just because God will one (judgement) day put us on a barren dessert, we don't need to prepare earth for that.

Global warming, that climate change ... I don't need to write an essay on what it is and what causes it. Google it, and you'll get a million links. The consequences are endless too. But one struck me - RISING WATER LEVELS.

I've not passed by Bandar for a while, but the other day on the way home from an uncle living along Kota Batu, we decided to drive through town. Kampung Ayer, the view is still impressive to me. There's so much history to it: the heritage - the industry, the technology - so much more and how it had evolved. It's such an authentic site.

(image source: www.kampung-boy.com)

No, I've never lived there. I know my ancestors did, in the last 700 years or so, from the day it stands. But, I don't know for how long it'll stay. The country is talking about conserving the site; there's development of a cultural village even. Those are good news, somehow.

But what's more pressing than that? When we passed by the other day, I saw the river almost touching some of the houses (and pantaran) floors. Unusual high tides, I thought. They said it's been like that in recent times. The cause, I never asked.

Watching the BBC yesterday prompt me to believing it's the effect of global warming. Yes, that climate change has resulted in the rising of water level in Brunei River too. My theory anyway. If other countries around the world are experiencing such high water levels and high tides, we are bound to experiencing the same thing. After all, we live in such a tiny world. The weather's warmer, the ice is melting and the water is rising. Across the oceans, seas and rivers. Including Brunei River.

Conservation and the cultural village will certainly take us back in time. Yet, that increasing water level cannot guarantee Kampung Ayer stays forever. I'm here to make pledges to reduce my contribution to global warming. So our heritage stays, and not just beautiful pictures in our kids' history books. Time to take action:

• Lights off, the air-cons too.
• Do things manually, as much as we can. Broom-it, not vacuum-it; hand-wash it, not machine-wash it. Save electrical energy, burn the calories. That's a 2-in-1 formula. So, manual would be the new game of the house.
• Reduce our rubbish, and we reduce the burning and land-fill in Sungai Akar.
• Get recycling bins, and teach the kids and helper on recycling stuffs. That's new culture to instill.
• Pampers? Cut down usage, or option 2: terry nappies. Should I? That's a very difficult one.
• Use fewer toilet rolls, and encourage as many girlfriends to go for Halawa waxing. That's definitely cutting toilet tissues usage. Hubbies will be happier too. Another 2-in-1 formula.
• Print papers - cut down too, that'll reduce further deforestation. So, next year's planner? From the mobile phone then, the **k**a *series. (I'm not trying to endorse capitalism, and my phone's brand).
• Going out?
  
• Plan route to reduce carbon emission from car.
  
• Park as far as possible from destiny (if walk-able). Meaning less carbon emission, and saves fuel.
• Or stay home, work at and from home, as much as I can. If I'm the big boss, I'll encourage E-work and less of the m-work. (p.s. Boss, are you with me?)
• Not forgetting: linking greenpeace.org in 'Winx ally'.

I know I'll think of more. Meanwhile, I hope you do so too.

Not just for Kampung Ayer, but for the love of earth, us and our future.

Missing the opportunity

"Students' objective at this point in their lives is one and only one. Success in their studies," said the monarch. (The Brunei Times, Today)

Kind of miss the opportunity to be with the rest of the gang (students) at Intercont London this year. I should have been there by now, but I'm still stuck here. The deal was to make as much as correction as I could before I re-embarked with my transfer. It's not an easy deal, not for me. The corrections, the idea of going and leaving my babies, the to be set-up family venture, the school fees and the financing ... so much to consider. I have qualms in going, I've reweighed the options. But putting the d and the r in front of my name has been my dream.

It's hard. I envy people like Rogue Economist (the local freakonomics) who seems capable of writing her thesis in a breeze. She's got two toddlers with her and the hubby, yet she's focussed in her research. I wonder how. Incredible the way I see it. I think they are strong people. A colleague of mine was in a similar situation. Look where she's now. She's just got a promotion. I know I am at par with her, in terms of intellect and contributions. Only difference is, she's got the title. Yet, I'm still not pushing myself harder. As if gratified with what I've acquired so far. I mean, my career and its development.

I don't know my excuse. This thesis is not coming along as I want it to be. The data is still good, but I can't leave it for longer. It's an original idea, but I've seen an almost similar theory in the journal this year. The same authors are interested in my work, they want me to group with them; I am interested in getting established, but I have to stay focus with my current goal. I said, let me finish my corrections, let me graduate and we'll cross-culturate.

Sigh! My fault. But, I'm redha. I don't regret how my life has come along. It's been a great 4 years since. The greatest, of course with the ups-and-downs. I just have to learn to be strong, focussed, disciplined and to have faith.

It's not a time to fantasize. No, no longer. The kids are growing, and they'd want a role model. I should be that person. I am that person.

He went into rehab, then they say go...go..go!

Dato (Dr) Haji Mustapha Ma in the conference told the media that the indicative factor of relapse in drug abusers or repeat abusers points to -insufficient follow-up in after-care after the person had received rehabilitation.

He also noted that the society is still adhering to a stigma of the person who had undergone rehabilitation, still branding them as drug addicts. This does not help that person to go back to society. Dato (Dr) Haji Mustapha said society, unfortunately, adheres to "once a drug addict, always a drug addict". (Borneo Bulletin, today).

I just got news that somebody I know is to be sacked in the next few days or so. Sad. He's just been into rehab; they, as in his employer, sent him there. I think for almost 8 weeks. Just barely a month out of rehab, he's got the axe. He thought they'd pardoned him; caught twice prior rehab. Finished rehab feeling good and refreshed. I guess re-born. The wife and him contemplated on going Umrah early next year, bertaubat. He went back to work, got a raise in his salary, and the allowance they've delayed over a year or so. The delay has got nothing to do with his misdemeanor. That was administrative.

Today, suddenly this. I guess, he just needs to be strong. His wife, too. I have sympathy for her. But she has got a strong family; a supporting family. They don't stamp 'criminal' on his forehead. They are more forgiving than his employer, a lot lot more. This would be a great challenge to them. That 'through thick and thin' is now more crucial than ever.

Heard it's his work environment is the cause of this. Colleagues abusing and trafficking drugs. Not for the faint-hearted. The sacking perhaps is a blessing in disguise. God knows more than the mortal eyes. Should he stay on, it wouldn't be best for him, maybe. I just hope he'll find a new job. At this low time, he needs confidence in life, and support from those close to him. May be it was his fault in the first place, maybe he was too weak to shield himself from temptations, but now is not the time to put pressure on him. He needs love and understanding. Then perhaps, his eyes would open wide. That there's life beyond addiction. That there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I also hope what said today by BASMIDA is heard by his employer. Cause if society as a WHOLE are able to pardon offenders, we'll fight drugs at a different phase. It's about giving chances. This incidence has open my mind too. I'm calling out to everyone to put this in perspective:

NO to desolation, NO to guilt-feelings, No to shaming, No to depression

YES to forgiving, YES to acceptance, Yes to re-integration, Yes to encouragement

ALL equate to a huge NO to DRUG RECIDIVISM

(Image Source: juvente.klab.lv)

Reflections

It's December 3rd today; the new year is just round the corner and I'm getting ultra worried. I feel I'm not getting anywhere.

* My thesis correction - I am way overdue. I'm still stuck with my scales purification section. It's moving, but progress is very slow. I don't understand either. It's just the last two scales, and the simplest of all. Single items, they should be easy. Not. I've justifications for, and I've validated their applications, but the words are not flowing. Am I trying too hard to complete just one sentence, one paragraph, one section, one chapter? Or am I such a perfectionist that I keep reconstructing my sentences. My supervisor is. Perhaps, I am just too scared of more criticism from him. But critique is good. My work is good and original, I know. I just have to keep moving. At a speedy pace now.

Goal of the day: Finish correcting chapter 4 and 3.


* My weight - I am still overweight. I get complacent sometimes thinking it'll be easier to shed the kilos when I'm away. I always did. But I can't wait till I'm gone, it'll be embarrassing. They've never seen me big, let alone huge. I got to shape up to a comfortable look. Not just for myself and my confidence, but my health. I'm a young mother, and I want to see my grandkids one day. That's a long way to go. To stay healthy is one way to achieve that.

Goal of the week: 210 minutes of exercise minimum and 10,500kcal of f&b maximum


* My effort - is still very weak. My will is strong, but I lack discipline. I procrastinate many times. Thinking they're small, they're short and they'd be quickly done. But no, everything takes time, if it's to be perfect. It's not just about finishing, quality matters. But quantity helps; "sikit sikit lama-lama jadi bukit" as they prescribed at the 4th National Business Conference. So, I have to push beyond my limit, I gotta act. I got to change my attitude. I don't want to be part of the 'typical Bruneian.' I am not and I won't.

Goal of the month: to accomplish, to feel guiltless and to fly high happily into 2008

Boney boney (Interlude)

At last the bone is gone.

I had this tiny fish bone stuck in my throat since yesterday lunch. I went to Sumbangsih Mulia for a quick cheap meal with my kids. I always go there. You won't get diet food, but depending on your interpretation, I believe they are healthy meals.

My option was this ikan masak kunyit, 2 small pieces of hati buyah, a small portion of nasi putih, and sambal pedas (ayam penyit). I didn't take rice in the evening to cut down on my complex carb, just vegies. Just didn't want to take on the guilt trip. Remember, I'm trying to lose my FAT. It's enough that we had BT talking about RIPAS confirming on fat Bruneians, then you have the old man in his blog rubbing salt to my wound.

Anyway. Almost to my last spoon I suddenly felt a piercing on the back of my throat. Just behind the uvula and the soft palate. My fault, I took for granted that the fish was tiny, and its bone wont affect me that much if it ever got stuck. When it did, I didn't really panic.

First attempt to take it out: ate a tiny ball of rice. Didn't even budge. I made a couple more balls of rice. I had to asked for extra which was kind of embarrassing. I bet people were thinking, "God, she really eat, doesn't she? Typical Bruneian women." Nope, that didn't work either.

Second attempt: drank lots and lots of water. Slowly. Nope. No movement. But everytime I spoke, I felt the urge to vomit.

I thought it's getting there. So better leave it for a bit. I rang mum, she was at home and wanted to see the baby. So, I flocked my herd into the car, told them we are meeting their granny. On the way we passed by Hua Ho Mall. I had a thought, and since I had a few stuff to get, I decided to stop by.

Third attempt: Took one strepsil. Sucking it really slow. Finished. Nothing happened.

Got to mum's. Mum said, try sipping water from the cover of the rice-cooker (remember that children song: "minum air di tudung periuk, petua ubat ketulangan..."

Fourth attempt: Took the suggestion. Sipped slowly with full concentration and hope. Damn.

I decided to just not bother. It'll go down somehow. But, the bone kept thrusting on my throat, it felt slightly painful as night goes by. Nevermind, it'll go tomorrow. I woke up this morning, my God, it still was there. Told the hubby again and he thought he'd try another trick, his dad's.

Fifth attempt: The hubby placed a small clean nail into a glass full of water. Left it for a couple of minutes, and got me drinking it after. I did.

I believe it's gone now. Thank God. But lesson learnt well, never underestimate anything tiny.

Trust and loyalty Part I

Well, it was supposed to be a relaxing day for hubby and I on sunday. We wanted to escape from everything else, including the kids. So, we opted to take the kids to my parents. Leave them there for a bit, while we head to kadai komunis to get a DVD and watch it at our own place with our own space.

I'm pretty lucky that my parents are just minutes away from us. It's coincidental really. When I got to know my husband, he was living close-by with his adopted daughter. He was a divorcee.

Now talk about trust, I would have not agreed to meet him, have my parents not known where he lived. Like many modern relationships today, I must admit I met my husband in an on-line forum. His English was good, that was the catch. That was one of the requirements. Plus, he sounded smart. I also sensed his high EQ. Foremost, he sounded like somebody you could really trust in.

No, we weren't actually 'going out,' really. There weren't that opportunity. I was thousands of miles away from him, trying to finish my study. It was weird and funny. After several exchanges of private on-line messages and e-mails, we notched it up with text phone messages. We talked more of his past. His trust was betrayed once. He was a dedicated single father, and I was somewhat attracted to that. I think.

I was in a bizarre, and a volatile relationship. Trust was hard in my relationships. It's so weird when you are out with a gorgeous guy where girls would drool over him yet he is very insecure. When you should be the one. Trust me, beauty is not everything.

When the on-line man appeared, I somewhat felt that this was HIM. I was never going to let him pass by me. I told my men it was very over. My man devastated - almost suicidal. Scary. Somehow, after almost 4 years, I finally have the courage to not care of the emotional blackmails and antics. This on-line mystery man has liberated me. He was The one.

Then one odd day I received a text message: "will you marry me?" I replied "this is not real, right?" He replied back, "let's say if it was". I suffocated. I never met this man, I didn't know how he really looked like. He didn't even know me. Weirdo. He must be crazy. But it was romantic, I thought it was. I texted back, "OK." But it was not the okay okay, I was just answering to a hypothetical proposal.

Then another 3pm one day, I got a buzz at my flat. It was Interflora. The flower guy smiled and said '"This guy must really loves you, he got you a dozen of white roses and a teddy.' Kewl, it felt like pretty woman. By then I have already received a beautiful proposal card. This bouquet was another proposal. This time I was gob-smacked. It kicked in. He was for real.

I rang a galfren in London . She said, 'Man, I'd marry him if I were you.' The whole thought of marrying suffocated me. I never believed in marriage. Plus, this was a little too fast. We just 'knew' each other. Well, not really; we didn't know one another.

He texted again and said he'd fly over to see me, so I could make my decision. Eerie. Insane. Eccentric. But I let him come. Was I gullible? He could have been a sex-maniac or a rapist. Yet, I trusted this perfect stranger.

He assured me and gave me his home address. Even asked me to talk to his mum. I passed. But I gave his address to my parents so they could confirm his place. Before leaving, he promised to meet my parents first. He did. I took it as seeking permission to see me if he was that sincere. They met. He looked alright, they said. They got excited, well, the whole family was.

The day came and I braved myself to see him at the Airport. Costa cafe was our first rendezvous. He was late, almost an hour late. His plane had arrived much earlier so I thought he stood me up. As I got up to leave, I saw this tall man, long-haired, in grey shirt and black trousers, with a bouquet on one hand and his luggage on another smiling at me, and apologized for the delay. Then asked, "Would you like me to stay or should I head back to London?" I smiled. He looked safe.

He was safe. He is safe. He secures me now. Well, after one meeting, we got engaged. After the second meeting, we got married. All within 4 months. Hasty decision, it was not. I found incredible love. Love that grows and grows. Had I not trust my intuition, had I not trusted him, and had I not trust my faith, I wouldn't be this happy today.

This may be a flight of fancy to others. But hubby if you are reading this, thank you for fluttering into my life. I trust and love you.

Prelude

I'm in a rush. Thus, this prelude suffice for now.

I wonder out aloud if I need permission to link other blogs onto mine. Cause I did not. I hope they (the owners) don't mind the links in winx in. I've included them as I constantly fly into their blogs to have good reads. They are not just accessories :

• Bruneiresources.blogspot.com - a lot of facts on Brunei, my beloved nation. He's a contributor to Brunei Times now. I know who he is, I mean I just happen to know one of his siblings. Smart. I guess it runs in the family.
• triathlonbrunei.blogspot.com - I know the owner well. He is the same owner of another blog. His inputs always intrigue me, particularly his travels. Just that the blog's inactive now, I know he's up to creating another. I'll wait for more of his writings. He inspires me to lose the weight and to push beyond my limits.
• bahapakitani.blogspot.com - it's good to know things are happening at home. It's there I found out the charity event (smarter & CFBT charity run, walk or cycle) this coming sunday. I'd be there.
• maurina.wordpress.com @Turquoise and Roses - Simple. I guess she represents our youth. But simplicity is effective. That's her strategy. I think she has done a good job as a blogger. With unreserved tactics. Her recent topic on female circumcision and male don't grunt must have multiplied the number of her visitors. Certainly, you'd be googable if you include words like cl*to**s and sentences including big, fat, long and hard. She sure deserve to be among the top bloggers in Brunei.
  
• abruneilifer.blogspot.com - This blog is addictive. You gotta have a dose of it each day. Ofcourse, it's not everyday he writes in his blog. Like Brunei resources he has good analytic views on many Brunei and global issues. I enjoy smart blogs. You also get a dosage of his personal life, and what Brunei old men really can be.
  
• star-o-meter.blogspot.com - it's fascinating that people talk (bit*h? haha) about frenemies on-line. Well, that's what blogs about, right? Honest accounts of your everydays. I'd stick to reading this blog, it's free-spirited and enlightening. See how close star-gazing can be.
  

Enough said. If you happen to be the owners, I hope you take compliment on my linking and constant winxing of your blogs. It's a fly on the wall for me of your views on life. Thank you.

I know the bloglist will continue to grow, as I enjoy winx-ing on many others. But, I crave for more intellectually-challenging blogs. That reminds me of my favourite forum bruclass.com, of which every now and then I continue to read. My contribution in there? I don't fancy cerebral matches these days. Reading is more pleasurable.

Heavy Winx

"CARS are to be BANNED from hundreds of roads in a desperate bid to tackle Britain's obesity crisis." (The Sun)

Wow, harsh or what? No, I'd certainly love the idea.

Well, I've got a confession. I've reached the 70 mark. Ofcourse, with some extras. I really don't know how to kill these kilos; I've never been this obese in my life. The last time I gave birth, it was easy to lose the fat. Added with determination to run the Brunei marathon, it was plain simple. This time around and yes, it has been 4 months, the kilos kept multiplying. I just don't have the motivation. The treadmill is not turning, nor is the cross-trainer. The MTV is not on yet upstairs, that's my excuse.

Well, I have to now. I know. I should walk later on. I can't run yet, my pelvic muscles are still weak. Very weak. That's not the point.

How do I go back to my size 10, when I am now 14. I know all the tricks, but I can't seem to get the strategies in gear. I'm done with trying old clothes, I know I can't fit into them; but the will is not fired up. I don't know why.

In fact yesterday, it was non-stop grazing actions. Lunch buffet at Millennium, high tea at home and calorie-loaded dinner. Well, we had visitors, so my parents and I were entertaining. Overfed.

Nevermind. I'll have to put in a 30 minutes walk around the block later on. I will try.

Fly smiling

It's a good day today.

Well, everyday is good, it's us who turn it the opposite, the result of our negativities. I'll keep that in perspective.

Woke up thanking God for what I have. A great husband, smart daughters, incredible family, well-equiped house, safe cars, good food, thirst-quenching drinks, excellent education, fulfilling job, friendly neighbours, peaceful Brunei... the list goes on. It's not bad at all. I'm thankful, Alhamdullilah.

I'm flying with these thoughts, with a great smile on me face.

"Ya Allah, ampunkanlah hamba mu yang lemah ini,yang mungkin kurang mensyukuri nikmat yang Kau berikan. Namun, jangan kau putuskan pemberian mu; murahkanlah rezeki kami, berikanlah kekayaan kepada kami: kekayaan iman, kekayaan ilmu dan kekayaan harta, bagi kesenangan kami dunia akhirat. Tunjukkanlah kami jalan yang lurus, dan bukakan kami kepada ketakwaan kepada Mu. Salawat dan salam keatas rasul kamu, Nabi Muhammad saw".

why the butterfly?

Butterflies, they are beautiful.

A symbol of freedom,
the freedom of thoughts.

A symbol of colours,
the colours of life.

A symbol of spirits,
the spirits of determinations.